Turd of the Year
2001 Year-In-Review

Miss Cleo ain't got nothin' on TotW.

Last year, TotW opened and closed its annual review with examples of Maradona's self-destructive behavior. This year, TotW open and closes its annual review with example of Major League Soccer's self-destructive behavior, an event presaged by the investiture of MLS personnel Czar Ivan 'the Terrible' Gazidis as the 2000 Turd of the Year. Like a bettor trying to chase his losses, MLS started off losing and has never quite caught up.

In TotW's list of soccer priorities, the game itself comes before all else. Secondly, TotW is pro-player. Thirdly, we are pro-supporter. Owners (or operator-investors in MLSese), coaches and associations are way, way down the list. When anyone fucks up, we call them on it. But we had no idea how negative we were about MLS over the last 365 days and odd lunar change until we put this review together. Yikes. It's sad, really, because the quality of play was better than any of Major League Soccer's six years -- even after Clint Mathis blew out his knee, and even after Craig 'Hacksaw' Demmin blew out Josh Wolff's ankle.

Like TotW said in one of our last issues of the year, "It didn't have to be this goddamn way."

January 1
The Law of Unintended Consequences: And it is a law, states that everything has unavoidable consequences. Take, for instance, the MLS heresy that is single-entity. What have we got with single-entity? A league that is major in name only. A league that in survival terms is in a hurricane, desperately clinging to a piece of driftwood in the hopefully not vain attempt to avoid drowning. (And all without getting to bone Kate Winslet.) Why? Well, because in addition to showing little clue on how to market in general, sports more specifically, and especially soccer, MLS has also blown a large wad. $250 million if you believe its sharks. (Hey, if they need the money that bad, they can vacuum out Maradona's clothes and sell the proceeds on street corners for $5 a bag.) The league owns all the teams. The teams, therefore, have collectively lost alot of money. (Which, we cannot help but emphasize yet again, is spit in the wind to the billionaires that are propping up MLS.) Now news arrives from the secretive strategic arms limitation talks held in a remote Russian dacha ... pardon me ... a secretive MLS survival meeting at Phil Anschutz's Colorado Rocky Mountain high-doubt, that MLS may put a bullet through the head of some of its weak sisters, like SJ EarthClash, Miami ConFusion and the TB Mutiny. 'Cutting back makes lots of sense in difficult economic times' the league and its shills say. But here we encounter the unintended consequence: If the teams were independent the league would not be financially threatened, only the teams that were having problems would be threatened. Instead the collectivized debt is suffered by all. But if MLS were to eliminate teams that would create a bad image, and deservedly so. Which is another unintended consequence, this time of not having promotion/relegation. Because if there was promotion, a deserving 2nd Division team such as Minnesota or Rochester would take the place of the failing 1st Division side and the size of the league would be maintained, thus not only keeping its image intact, but enhancing it with the 'David v. Goliath' scenario so beloved of Americans. And the final unintended consequence, bringing the threesome full circle, is that the mismanaged MLS sides never have a chance to right their ship in the relative serenity of 2nd Division play, instead having to make a go in the big bucks (by MLS standards), high-pressure world of 1st Division play and thus getting in even worse trouble. PROMOTION NOW! RELEGATION NOW! DEATH TO SINGLE-ENTITY!

January 6
FIFA Columbian Coca World Ranking: Despite going through three coaches, losing their second -- and third -- ever World Cup qualifying matches (including a 3:0 shellacking by a Chile that probably won't even go through), and losing in the Olympic quarterfinals to 9-man Cameroon, Brazil still managed to outrank France, which not only won Euro 2000 in style (something Brazil used to be known for), but became the first country to win the World Cup and Europe back-to-back. Japan, which dominated its continental competition, outscoring the opposition 20:6, fell four places since, and is ranked behind Saudi Arabia and Iran -- the teams it beat. Apparently thrashing a side of 500-pound Samoans is the path to international glory.

January 13
The Peter Principle states that "In a hierarchically structured administration, people tend to be promoted up to their level of incompetence." Proving the exception to the principle is Major Laughing Stock, which promotes people past their level of incompetence. This week saw Ivan 'the Terrible' Gazidis get the bounce his fine performance as MLS Personnel Czar demanded, being promoted from the five-door plaque title of "executive vice president of player relations and league operations" to "deputy commissioner", Don Garber's right hand man. How apropos: The better to beat the meat that feeds him. (Riding coattails was Gazidis's poophole prodigy Nelson Rodriguez, who was promoted from director of player personnel to third senior chief deputy assistant to the commissioner.) Ivan the Terrible's expanded portfolio amazingly includes a "greater role in planning and business operations" as well as continuing to "oversee negotiations of all player contracts". Ivan the Terrible has been with MLS since its inception, 1994, two years before the first crapshoot in San Jose. übermidget Sunil Gulati has come and gone -- with a Ivan the Terrible knife in his back, only to rise Rasputin-like from the dead in New England a year later -- and Turd Emeritus Doug Logan has gone, period. (Thank God.) The one constant in the halls of MLS power is Ivan the Terrible. And what has the league done under his tenure? Uhm ... uhh ... uhm. *head scratch* Go $250 million in debt -- if you believe MLS shysters -- and sign loads of aging, attitudinal, foreign gimps for Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous wages, while exciting, young, American stars (and Conor Casey) have to flee to the depths of the Lower Slobovian 5th Division to make Ravioli-O's wages.

January 27
License to kill: Fresh off their legal victory -- courtesy of the US District Court of Taxachusetts -- would MLS throw open the gin mill doors to waves of fresh-scrubbed country bumpkins seeking their fortune in the big city? No, of course not. Not even for $24,000, the modern sporting equivalent of a buck a day, plus black lung. So, instead of filling its rosters to the brim with cheap players, it cut its teams' rosters to 18 players. That's barely enough for a five-a-side scrimmage, let alone fielding a mid-season squad that doesn't look like a post-LAPD Rodney King.

February 10
Top 10 Ways to Feed Your Family on MLS Wages

10. Mascot for baseball, basketball or football team
9. Clean windshields at downtown intersection
8. Dumpster diving for aluminum cans
7. Sell own organs to Chinese tong
6. Stop-Go sign road crew guy
5. Jack off at fertility clinic
4. Sell Peruvian agricultural goods to "Dime-Bag" Diego Maradona
3. Sell forged Portugese passports
2. Clean toilets at MLS headquarters
1. Stunt dick in a porno movie

February 17
Hypocrites of the Week: UEFA, which again this week threatened to ban from European competition any club or country whose supporters 'display racist behavior', which means whatever they want it to mean, whenever they want it to be meant, and never is explicity specified until someone crosses the unseen line that defines even one sole person's hyper-sensitivity. It is of course UEFA whose unfettered discrimination against non-European, mostly darker-skinned players is the cause of the current passport scandal raging across European football.

March 3
Oh, for the love of God: An amateur, adult soccer player in Florida chest trapped a ball, played several more minutes ... then died. Naturally, the headlines read "Soccer Player Dies When Hit by Ball" (AP). Yesterday, your humble TotW editor took a dump, and 300,000 people died. Okay, so shit stinks, but the smell won't kill you. Not even if some joker asks you "Who died in there?" So, one does not necessarily lead to the other. Furthermore, sports are inherently dangerous. Depending on one's poison, everything is possible from lacerations to vaporization. Yet, the leading cause of death -- regardless of demographic -- is life. It is 100% fatal. You could take all the precautions in the world, lead a healthy lifestyle, jogging and eating granola and wild asparagus, and still croak at 45. Ask Jim Fixx. You want safe recreational activities? Take up ballroom dancing or gardening. Just don't let the killer bees get you.

March 10
Idiot of the Week: Britain's Culture Secretary Chris Smith for the following figment of folderol: "[It is] doubtful that existing UK stadia could be converted to accommodate German practice without compromising safety standards". Or Barry Brotherton of the Trafford Council for threatening to shut down entire sections of Old Trafford because the two or three remaining non-prawn sandwich nibbling non-yuppies who actually support Manchester United dared stand while doing so? Take your pick. (Needless to say, the council wouldn't dare threaten the ex-SAS man in charge of their Nazi anti-standing enforcement squad who -- it just so happens -- is a well known stander himself.) TotW feels confident in asserting that standing on terraces does not cause hooliganism. Maybe it is just us, but does it not seem like nearly every in-stadium hooligan incident involves the tossing of seating? When was the last time anyone threw a terrace on the pitch? So, given that hooligan incidences continue unabated, even in all-seater stadia, and given that seats just give the hoolies more ammunition, it would seem rather the opposite of what the Chicken Littles believe, that if anything all-seaters cause more hooliganism.

March 24
Rumor of the Week: Spectators to this fall's Walsh Cup will be asked to donate $5 dollars or canned goods to support the tournament's founder, Billy Walsh, who was forced by MLS to take a 57% pay cut to $30,000. There is no truth to the rumor that Walsh asked a Manhattan College recruit, if he could like crash in your dorm room, dude.

Compare & Contrast
Before the paycut	After the paycut

March 31
Pot calls kettle black: Albania, which only has a few scrawny goats and chickens, and whose only beef comes in MREs (Meal Rejected by Ethiopians) provided by the US Army, fears England supporters will bring hoof and mouth disease into the country. "They will all walk on disinfecting carpets and they will be searched for food," Agriculture ministry spokesman Artur Galanxhi said, "because we don't have any food here and we are hungry."

April 14

Ivan the Terrible MLS Personnel Czar

April 21
Moron of the Week: The announcers during last week's Chicago Fire-DC United match actually had some good insight (!) -- we know, miracles never cease -- that United's star playmaker and prime hothead Marco Etcheverry should be taken out of the match because Etcheverry was looking for an early bath, getting all hot & bothered over what he percieved to be unfair treatment by the referee. Etcheverry is well known for enforcing his brand of the Laws when the calls don't go his way (he even has a starring role on a USSF referee's tape regarding what constitutes a red card offense). But apparently Etcheverry's behavior was not known to the one person who should have known it: his coach, Thomas Wrongen. Of course Wrongen being Wrongen, he left Etcheverry in, and Etcheverry duly got his red card, his suspension, and a somewhat early bath ... in the 91st minute! Thomas Wrongen, Moron of the Week.

It's hard to think straight with a stiff dick in your hand: It seems Luis 'el Mierdador' Hernandez has not only been putting the figurative stones to MLS, but putting the literal stones to an USC coed. Wooed with expensive dinners at exclusive restaurants, the 20-year old Brazilian is now in a family way. Maybe el Mierdadorino is a blessing in disguise for Galaxy: Rather than being gone for weeks to Mexico to "take care of his family", Hernandez will now only be gone for hours to Pacoima. TotW wonders what Senora Hernandez has to say about the blessed news. Luis could look at the bright side of life: John Wayne Bobbitt got to bone porn babes after getting his willy cut off.

May 5
Fuck baseball: CNNSI.com pulled the plug on Michael Lewis's weekly soccer column, no doubt so their endomorphic sports editors can devote more precious electrons to the uncountable gajillions they already devote to baseball ... when they're not busy stuffing their faces with pressbox hors d'oeuvres. Meanwhile, the newspaper carried the news that 82-year old Hal White (lifetime 46-54 pitcher) had just up and died: News so momentous that a search of Major League baseball's web site for "Hal White" yielded a whopping 0 hits. It's not just CNNSI.com or the newspapers, Esspin is just as bad, giving the chop to Grant Wahl's column a couple of months ago. As if there's not enough cellulite on a Sports Center that is 80% baseball, ESPN typically follows it up with an entire hour of Baseball Tonight! Just in case you missed that infield fly ball, they'll repeat it until your eyes bleed. What does ESPN stand for, Every Stinking Pitch News? The obsession sports urinalists have for baseball is sick, just sick. It's like a 13-year old whacking off under his bedsheet to pictures of Britney Spears, except the baseball geeks whack off to pictures of David Wells.

May 26
Oops! The formerly annual World Club Championship will not return for its sophomore edition later this summer. (Indeed it will not return until 2003, if then.) FIFA cancelled it after ISL, Sepp Blatter's anally close marketing allies, finally officially went belly up. Naturally all the clubs, stadia, promoters and other entities that had booked planes and laid on other expenses asked FIFA for compensation. Where did the sudenly bereft of funds FIFA come up with so much coin? Who got Blatter elected in the first place? That's right, Brazil. FIFA is holding up media company Traffic for $70 million that it says it is owed, for a tournament it isn't holding, to pay off the teams that won't be playing. (And line its pockets.) Or in the case of America, payoff the league. Major League Soccer gingerly stepped into the breach, floating the idea of holding the tournament itself. But where is MLS going to get a minimum $2.7 million per team in prize money -- never mind the expenses of putting on a big show -- take the last dime out of the pockets of Jimmy "I live with a married guy and his two kids" Conrad or lowball Eric "I upgraded from a '90 Olds to a '96 Hyundai" Denton when he comes crawling for another $50 a week raise?

June 2
It's about damn time: Three years ago France defeated defending champions Brazil 3:0 in the World Cup. Last year France won the toughest continental competition, becomming champions of Europe. Meanwhile, Brazil has grown more and more hapless to a point at which scratching out 1:1 results against the likes of Peru reeks of success. Yet through it all FIFA continued to rank Brazil over France in its bogus (like every other) ranking. Finally, it changed. Now France is not only #1 where it counts -- on the pitch -- but in the empty minds of FIFA's black-hearted bureaucrats.

June 9
Stick this in your pantywaist pipe and smoke it: Attention all hand-wringing, heart-bleeding, ego-obsessed, guilt-ridden, absentee-parent yuppies! It is essential whenever someone is trying to push a point of view that you ask "What are they getting out of it?" In the case of helmet whores, it is rather obvious: If they scare you into believing heading causes brain damage, they make money selling you a helmet. (Conveniently ignoring the American football players who die like flies every year, or are paralyzed, despite every single one of them wearing a helmet.) For God's sake, they got you pissing yourself so bad that your snivelling snot noses can't ride a bicycle without a helmet for fear of having machinegun-toting 'Child Protective Services' Neo-Nazis throw you in jail with Elian's uncle and a bunch of baby rapers. Hello? If your kid gets whacked by a semi, the only thing a helmet is good for is scooping up the goo. What's next, full body armor when playing house? 50 studies over the last 50 years have each proven that heading a soccer ball does not cause brain damage. What head injuries that do occur are due to falling on the ground, running into another player, or running into goalposts. Maybe you should shove a doppler radar up your kid's ass so he avoids hitting the fucking post in the first place! Anyway, the US Soccer Foundation, the charitable branch of USSF, made its annual grants this week, $2 million going to 47 groups. Most of the money went to purchasing or maintaining grounds for amateur clubs, but the largest single chunk -- $106,000 -- went, you guessed it, to yet another study on heading. Why bother? The Safety Schutzstaffel will not be happy until we are free of all risk. Which will be never, so they will never be satisfied and we will be less free.

June 16
Compare & Contrast:

• Soccer America: A bi-weekly, mailed within the United States. Every 18 days we wonder where the fuck it is.

• World Soccer: A monthly, mailed from Europe. Seemingly every 18 days we think "Whoa! It's here already!?"

June 23

	Matt McKeon KC Wizards defender
Separated at Birth?
	Jim Carrey Actor / Goofy Fucker

July 21
Dingleberry of the Week: USA Today, a British tab without titties, for joining the long, black roll of American media which have recently fired their soccer columnist, Peter Brewington. (That's the thanx the 18-year employee gets for rushing his return from a serious car accident earlier this year: TotW bets USA Today's baseball urinalist would be given a year's paid leave if he had a hangover.)

July 28
Pickpocket of the Week: The construction of the MetroStars eternally delayed new stadium, was delayed yet again when local government declined using their goons to loot the locals' hard earned cash so the Metros could build themselves a shining new Taj Mahal on the Hudson. Nick the Dick actually had the gall to claim that "We can't do this without the state." Stuart Subotnick and John Kluge own the team. Though Stuart Subotnick is a paltry and destitute #348 on Forbes "Rich 400 2000", Kluge is the 24th richest person in the whole freaking world. Can't do my ass. Of course Jersey government would trample each other in the rush to blow a baseball mogul if he wanted to move his team to their benighted burgs. And so it comes to pass that two multi-multi-billionaires are supporting the legalized theft ... err, legislation ... pending that would make Newark and the Meadowlands "sports and entertainment districts", allowing them to keep tax revenues generated there to finance construction of sports facilities.

In Milwaukee, we have a poor's man Kluge trying to pull the same crap. Tim-MAY! Krause, butt buddy of Milwaukee's mayor, is still at it. Like a celebrity stalker, or a bad case of clap, he just won't go away. For the past several Milwaukee Rampage home matches Krause and his evil minions put flyers on supporters' auto windscreens, and even had the gall to actually have petitions at Rampage matches to support his quixotic effort to bring an MLS team to Milwaukee. (My entry on the petition? "We already got a team. If you want Milwaukee in MLS, promote the Rampage if they win the A-League." I get the feeling it probably wasn't counted.) And get this: This lawyer, and developer, who makes more money than he can possibly count ... *head shake* ... actually had a space on the flyer for people to send in contributions like he is Mother Fucking Theresa! I got news for you asshole, you ain't a fucking charity.

August 11
MLS Whores San Jose: TotW has always referred to the Krafts as "Cheese Pimps", and now we find out that at least the pimp part is correct: In December of 1998, the Kraft Sports Group paid MLS $5 million to operate San Jose. That deal included an "option-to-buy" for an additional $10 million. (Think of it as one of those rent-to-own places except with much lower interest rates.) When the cheese pimps declined to buy (having looted San Jose of all its best players), MLS gave them their money back!

August 18

Sign on the back of the Rampage jersey your humble TotW editor wore to the Rhinos semifinal.

August 25
Wrongen not only crap, but delusional as well: After DC United lost 1:2 to the MetroStars last Wednesday, coach Thomas Wrongen said that, "This team is clearly showing very strong signs of tremendous desire to take this challenge, the playoff challenge, head on. We've met every challenge this year head on and have succeeded." Obviously. United lost again Saturday, 2:1 in a league match, then again on Wednesday, 2:0 in an Open Cup match, both to an otherwise poor NE Revolution side. Excuses are like assholes: Everybody has one. Here's Wrongen whinging about the DC United's Open Cup loss: "There's clearly a tactic there that teams employ and that referees don't understand and that has clearly influenced the result of many of our games. Limited players are going to get away with murder, and our skillful players are going to get frustrated. They need to protect those gifted players that people want to see." United's players may indeed be skilled, but how could anyone tell given Wrongen's inability to coordinate a circle jerk, let alone a soccer team? Besides, the only people who want to see United play anymore are United supporters (and even their ocular patience is reaching the breaking point), unlike when the team used to be good. You know, before the current coach took over and Barry Switzer Syndrome set in. If this were Japan, Wrongen would have long ago done the honorable thing and ritually disemboweled himself.

September 1
White heat it tickle me down to my toes: Boxers who have made one too many comebacks end up punch-drunk. Maradona is a drunk. Both try comebacks not because they can still bring it, but because they are lonely and bored, and crave the attention that they used to get for their accomplishments. (Instead of arrest records.) Not much has been heard the last few months from Argentina, or Cuban rehab clinics, regarding the fallen angel. So, naturally it follows that this week his manager, Guillermo Coppola, announced Maradona might make another comeback. (Coppola is Dime Bag's primary enabler -- and likely connection as well.) Coppola, announced that the portly bleach blond might use his November testimonial as a launching pad for a comeback. Coppola said, "I don't know if the farewell game is really a farewell game. Throughout the project he has said that if everything works out well, then the final words have not been spoken. It's as if Maradona has the idea of doing something else in football -- to carry on playing." Maradona will be 41, has not played a competitive match in four years, and had a heart attack 20 months ago. Even if Maradona doesn't make a comeback, Coppola just gave him a hit of the drug he wants most: attention. If the comeback never materializes, which it probably won't, you can rest assured that Coppola will be spiking Dime Bag's main vein with another publicity placebo in a few months. Maradona said in an interview that "football runs through my body and I miss it." That's not all that runs through his body.

September 8

Adopt-A-Metro

In keeping with Jerry Lewis's marathon Labor Day beg-a-thon, Turd of the Week is launching the Adopt-A-Metro Campaign. Unlike the United Way, you can cut out the middle man (and his skimming off the top) by giving directly to the Metro of your choice. Please, friends, take a minute to listen to a few words from Adopt-A-Metro spokeswoman and internationally famed star of stage & screen, Sally Struthers: Sally Struthers Adopt-A-Metro Spokeswoman "You have probably heard the word 'sponsor' before, but do you really know what it means? It means hope -- hope for soccer players who so desperately need to know that tomorrow can be better than today. And with your support, it can be. Right now, all over Major League Soccer, even in New York, soccer players suffer from poverty, malnutrition and homelessness. Your support brings welcome change where it is needed most. You gift has the power to change a player's life. Sponsor a Metro and get to the heart and soul of what our work means. When you choose a special Metro to sponsor, you begin a relationship that can change lives -- yours and theirs. You'll be able to see your love and concern help transform the lives of Metros and their families. Be a sponsor: One person can make all the difference. It's up to you. Love, Sally."

September 22
Pot calls kettle black: Oldfart Matthãus, another quality MLS signing, who has gone from resting his 'strained back' on the topless beaches of Saint-Tropez in mid-Metros season to coaching Rapid Vienna, threatened to strip veteran defender Peter Schottel of the captaincy after Schottel 'feigned injury to avoid extra training'. "I've left it up to him to decide if he wants to show some commitment or walk out," declared Lord Oldthar, without a trace of irony.

September 29
Hero of the Week: The Bradley Center board of directors for voting -- unanimously (God bless them) -- against Wisconsin Sports (Mis)Management proposal to use land adjacent to Milwaukee's indoor arena for an MLS side Tim-MAY! Krause's front organization doesn't even own yet. The Bradley Center told the carpetbaggers to "consider other sites for its proposed stadium", which is a polite way of saying 'Take a flying fuck at the moon.' "Without a firm commitment, it would be tough to go into a specific market to expand for MLS," MLS chief disinformation officer Dan Courtemanche said. "Stadiums are at the top of our list in terms of the factors that drive our business."

Huh??? 'splain dis: Columbus Crew defender Daniel Torres, 23, is classified as a 'transitional international'. "You can't use a junior international slot [for players 22 and younger] on a discovery player because they don't count against the foreigner limit or the roster size or the salary cap," said MLS personnel Czar Ivan 'the Terrible' Gazidis. "But you can use a transitional slot on a discovery pick." Who's on second? No, Who is on first. What!? Third base. Blah, blah, blah. Round and round his logic goes, where it stops, nobody knows. KISS: Keep it simple stupid. Just because a league run by billionaires suffers under the socialist farce of single-entity does not mean that MLS has to contort its rules like a pre-teen Chinese gymnast.

October 13
Ding dong the witch is dead! DC United decided not renew the contract of the Master of Disaster, coach Thomas Rongen. Which is a polite way of saying, "We want to squeeze every last penny out of you that we invested, but God help us if we let you screw up our team any worse than you already have." Rongen will see out the last few months on his current deal, gradually fading away like a bad hangover prior to next season. "This has been a very difficult decision, as I believe that Thomas is a fine coach with an outstanding mind for the game," said United President and General Manager Kevin Payne. Take a dump Kevin, you're full of shit. Wrongen took MLS's golden goose egg and turned it into pigeon poop. Good riddance. A place on Steve Sampson's U-8 staff awaits you.

Hanging or electrocution? I have always held that no matter how dire the circumstances, and no matter how slim or unpleasant the choices, there are always choices available in all situations. Proving that assertion this week are MLS and broadcast "partner" (in the same way whores are business partners with pimps) ABC. Last week, Soccer America's, "MLS Confidential" claimed that Mickey Rat's evil spawn had presented MLS with a fait accompli regarding the time the MLS Final would be broadcast: It was being moved from 1:30 to 12:30. (That is during the day, not at night, though given the tender ministrations MLS receives from its broadcast "partners", one would be forgiven for assuming it was at night.) Supposedly so ABC could show another 60 minutes of Nike wanna-be or Senior has-been golf. "Shh, quiet. It looks like Jones is having a coronary on the 5th tee." What was an early game will now be so early that ABC's West Coast affiliates may chuck the match altogether in favor of their lucrative Sunday morning screeching head bitchfests, thus further harming MLS's ratings, later allowing Mickey Rat's various nefarious tentacles to cry poor when MLS asks for a few pitiful shillings in rights fees. In any case, rather than sticking to its (dubiously) journalistic guns, "MLS Confidential" later published a mea culpa: "MLS senior vice-president Mark Abbott objected to The Confidential implying last week that the league had little influence in ABC's decision to move up the kickoff time of MLS Cup 2001 to 12:30 p.m. Eastern. 'ABC came to us and presented MLS with the option to change the time,' said Abbott. 'It was totally our option. No question.'" Translation: Either MLS Cup be broadcast an hour earlier, or not be broadcast at all. Hanging or electrocution. Granted, Mickey Rat backed MLS into a corner, and MLS did not have any pleasant options, but was it really necessary for one of the league's flunkies to come to the ABC's defense!? Egads. For bending over, taking it hard up the crapper (with no vaseline), smiling, and saying "Thank you, sir. May have I some more, please?", Mark Abbott, Turd of the Week.

October 20
Dimebag No Show: Diego Maradona failed to show up for a scheduled appearance charity match in Jamaica, despite the island nation having some of the world's most potent ganja. Guillermo Coppola, Maradona's manager and primary enabler, said the charity match's prime attraction was "ill". Maradona's no show forced organizers to discount tickets from $11 to $2.

October 27
Beckham for a week: What could you do with $75,000? Buy a car, pay off your mortgage, put the kids through college, pay the MetroStars to play Copa MercoNorte matches for the next decade, or -- if you are MLS -- buy, yes, buy the contracts of two players. (Current Major Laughing Stock rules permit each team to sign two discovery players per season for a combined acquisition cost of $75,000.) Egads, you couldn't rent the services of David Beckham for $75,000 a week! (Posh might be another story, her career is going nowhere.) What sort of player can you get for $37,500? A lame, one-eyed, fat guy, named 'Lucky' who plays for the beach front Margaritaville bar on Bora Bora, who's owner will only let him go because he needs to buy a new generator to keep the beers cold.

November 17
Cabras da Semana: Brazil narrowly avoid the citation named in their dishonor because they snuck into fourth place in South American qualifying, and so don't face the prospect of losing to Australia (prior to the World Cup proper) in the playoff ... big whoop. Fourth place is something countries like Ecuador should be grateful for, not Brazil. The only time Brazil should finish out of first, is when they are runners-up to Argentina. Remember when, back in the mist of fabled legend (two years ago) when Brazil had only lost one World Cup qualifier ... ever? Now better known for bumbling than beauty, Brazil suffered yet another qualifying loss -- their sixth of the current campaign (Bolivia were their 3:1 vanquishers) -- before finally sealing the deal at the last possible moment against a rapidly improving Venezuela.

Truth is stranger than fiction: Back in March, TotW said that this fall's Walsh Cup proceeds would go to support MetroStar Billy, who'd just had his pay cut. You thought we were kidding, right? You should pay closer attention. This week the Metros cut their 1999 MVP. "It's the least we could do for Billy," said general manager Nick 'the Dick' Sakiewicz, "since we weren't paying him as much as McDonald's." Walsh's former teammates are reportedly ecstatic that Walsh and Mark Semioli were cut. "That's two fewer Copa MercoNorte shares we have to split," said one Metro. "That ought to be another three or four dollars apiece!"

November 24
And Then There Were None: A mysterious figure stalks Major League Soccer's clubs, knocking off one after the other. Six years ago, he claimed his first two victims. Four years ago, his third victim. Almost a year ago, his fourth, and then this week his fifth. But in the much-maligned words of pro wrestler Diamond Dallas Page, that's not a bad thing, it's a good thing. All the more so, because his latest victim was the MetroStars, run by the alternately absent and incompetent, John Kluge and his front puppet, Stuart Subotnick. We speak, of course, of Philip Anschutz. Plus, despite being a pauper compared to Kluge, Anschutz also pays for his own stadia, rather than back-slapping and glad-handing politicians to build them for him using widow yuan. Where, though is this all leading? With the league-operated Dallas Burn and TB Mutiny still looking for investor-operatorship, and rumors swirling around the cheese pimp's possible divestiture of NE Revolution, maybe eight Anschutz-owned teams ... Followed closely by a name change to "Anschutz League Soccer" -- afterall, even though Anschutz would only own 49% of any one team, he'd own 67% of MLS's teams, meaning Garber, Ivan 'the Terrible' Gazidis, and their minions, would have to ask "How high?" when Anschutz says "Jump!"

December 1
Hasta la vista, Mierdador: "We need a quality forward, but we need one who is going to be with us in preseason training, who is going to be the Galaxy's property, who is going to be there from the opening whistle of the first game to the final whistle of the last game and who feels that the success or the failure of the Galaxy is integral to him because it's his only team." (LA Galaxy coach Sigi Schmid on replacing Luis Hernandez, who spent two seasons with Galaxy, but split time with the Mexican League, his hair stylist, and willing USC coeds.

December 8

Proud sponsor of the Long Island Junior Soccer League

December 15
Ayez peur, ayez très peur: TotW supposes it was almost inevitable that a decade after Mickey Rat opened EuroDisney another one of the überCorp's many nefarious tentacles would slither its way into the heart of the Old World. And so it has come to pass. Esspin is expanding to Europe with a network that will feature great sports moments from the past. You know, like two-year old Little League home run hitting contests. "ESPN Classic Sport" will be launched early next year in France -- giving them yet another reason to hate Americans -- reaching at least 2.5 million homes. (Though whether the French show any interest in lady's senior bowling is another matter.) The Germans and English will no doubt chuckle at France's misfortune ... until they find chainsaw classics on their TV screens. To assist American Esspin executives, and our friends in France, in understanding each others' culture, TotW offers the following list of translations:

As the year 2001 closes, MLS finds itself in the same situation it was in 12 months prior: Discussing which teams get a bullet in the ear. Only now the situation is worse.

The league's financial situation is so dire that Wizards/Crew owner ... err, investor/operator ... Lamar Hunt said that MLS having twelve teams is the "outside possibility" and that MLS may even "go with eight teams"! Hunt also said that KC Wizards would be one of those teams, though it would be because Hunt is so goddamn rich he can continuue to subsidize a team that couldn't draw flies to an outhouse. (Wizards drew an official average of 10,954 butts, despite being defending champions.)

It is ironic that the teams most often mentioned for exterimination are TB Mutiny and Dallas Burn, teams which are operated by MLS, a league which has proven its incompetence in so many other areas over the last eight years. (Let us not forget that MLS was late to the dance by two years, failing to kick off in 1994 during the United States run at the World Cup it hosted.) When a soccer league is not run by soccer people, how is the league supposed to know how to run a soccer team?

MLS Issues Official Statement Lie on Contraction:

Commissioner Garber said, "Contrary to published media reports, Major League Soccer has not finalized any decisions regarding how many teams will compete in the league during the 2002 season. At the present time, there are no announcements planned. MLS is continuing the ongoing process of evaluating all team markets, and as previously stated, will announce any changes prior to the end of the year."

Garber didn't deny it, he just said they haven't announced it -- a tap dance of Clintonesque proportions. The fact is that despite all denials, MLS has already told Miami players and staff that they are being let go: "It's been like a morgue around our office; we are just devastated," an anonymous Miami Fusion employee told the Miami Herald.

Garber, who must have more gall than France, puffed out his chest and said that, "No matter how much people bash us and criticize us, no one can question our viability through 2006." If MLS is $250 million in debt, and exterminates two teams which are doing relatively well financially -- leaving teams in New York, Los Angeles and Chicago with "significant" to "huge" annual losses -- then, yes, we can question Major League Soccer's viability.

American soccer players and supporters deserved better than this.

But look at the bright side: The odds are getting slimmer that Tim-MAY! Krause will be able foist off an MLS side on Milwaukee.

Quote of the Year

10. Jack Edwards and Ty Keough are an ESPN announcing team, so they go together here as well.

    Jack: "Luis Hernandez is familiar face to US soccer fans." (Yes, he was talking about the same el Mierdador who was a regular no show at LA Galaxy training and matches, March 3.)

    Ty: "Looks like a pulled hamstring." (As the trainer stretched Ante Razov's hamstring, February 3.)

9. "We had some concerns. We're not really happy that it's in the middle of our season. Let's get the number straight, though. It's not $42, it's $40 because it's $1,000 for 25 guys. But that's before taxes. You can go to the movies by yourself and get a large popcorn and a soda and be fine. If you take somebody else, I don't know if you can get the large popcorn. You're probably better off spending the money on tolls." (MetroStars captain Tab Ramos, on the team's Copa MercoNorte match bonus, September 8.)

8. "What has happened to Wembley is a pity and a complete disgrace by the Government and the Minister for Sport. Wembley is a great stadium. It has been there for a long time and I don't know why they want to knock it down. It just needs renovation, upgrading and modernising to make it state of the art because everything is there. There's talk of £700 million, but that's madness. It doesn't need that. It would be simple to invest £30-40 million to bring back life and love to the great place." (Mohammed Al Fayed, Fulham chairman, September 22.)

7. "It's kind of like MLS. You have no idea what's going on. The rules change as we go along. There are trades and rule changes during the game and after the game. It perfectly approximates MLS." (Alexi Lalas on the Walsh Cup, a annual backyard 5-a-side tournament held among MLS players, friends & family, January 6.)

6. "All of those people writing in, saying that we don't care about soccer ... well, they're right. We don't care about it." (Providence Journal management to award-winning soccer journalist Doug Chapman as they shuffled him off to report on school lunch menus; Chapman later landed on his feet at MLSNet.com, April 14.)

5. "We had just strung like 17 passes together, beautiful silky soccer, and I turn around and see a guy yawning in the crowd. I wanted to jump over the fence and head-butt him." (Ray Hudson, Miami Fusion coach, September 29.)

4. "People have said to me, it would be such a shame if you retired. But to be 30 years old and not be able to support your family, that's a shame, too." (Mike Ammann on the $100,000 in outside income he lost after being traded from MetroStars to DC United, February 24.)

3. "I, in my modest way, have for years now been trying to find a cure for soccer's most pervasive disease, coaching, before it lays waste to the entire sport. Coaching, my research has established, cannot be cured by applying logic or common sense or ridicule or exhortation or job loss or oodles of money or threats of violence or even by offers to take over at Scunthorpe United." (Paul Gardner, internetsoccer.com, January 13.)

2. "You foreigners don't know how to play soccer." (American soccer parent to Iranian referee, July 21.)

   And the Quote of the Year is ...

1. "The ownership in Montreal will not approve the plan if it is based on a single-entity concept ... if it's not working in the US, why would it work in Canada?" (Joey Saputo, former president of the A-League's Montreal Impact, on Canada's nascent first division pro league, January 1.)

Really Big Word of the Year

15. etymology: n. The history of words, tracing out their origin, primitive significance, and changes of form and meaning. [from Greek etumologia: etumon, true sense of a word] (March 3)

14. goy: n. Disparaging term for one who is not a Jew. [Yiddish] (October 27)

13. rapacity: n. Taking by force; plundering. Greedy; ravenous. [From Latin rapax, rapac-, from rapere, to seize] (February 24)

12. shtup: v. Fuck, screw. [Yiddish] (September 22)

11. folderol: n. Foolishness; nonsense. [Colloq.] (March 10)

10. non sequitur: n. An inference or conclusion that does not follow from the premises or evidence. [Latin, it does not follow] (November 3)

9. vigorish: n. (vig) A charge taken on bets, as by a bookie or gambling establishment. [Yiddish slang, from Russian vyigrysh, winnings] (December 8)

8. kowtow: intr.v. Touching the ground with the forehead as a sign of submission. [From Mandarin Chinese kòu tóu] (April 14)

7. père: n. Used after a man's surname to distinguish a father from a son. [French, from Old French pedre, from Latin pater] (July 28)

6. lepine: adj. Displaying the charteristics of a hare, genus Lepus. [from Latin] (October 13)

5. investiture: n. The act or formal ceremony of conferring the authority and symbols of a high office. [Middle English, from Medieval Latin investitura, from Latin investire, to clothe.] (From the second paragraph of this review.)

4. chimaera: n. A fanciful mental illusion or fabrication; a grotesque product of the imagination. [Latin] (November 3)

3. striations: pl.n. A number of thin, narrow grooves or channels. [from Latin stria] (August 25)

2. excoriate: tr.v. To censure strongly; denounce. To tear or wear off the skin of; abrade. [Middle English excoriaten, from Latin excoriare] (June 9)

   And the Kenn Tomasch Trophy for the Really Big Word of the Year goes to ...

1. oedipal revenant: Oedipal: adj. Of, relating to, or characteristic of the Oedipus complex: oedipal conflicts. [from Greek mythology: Oedipus, a son of Laius and Jocasta, was abandoned at birth and unwittingly killed his father and then married his mother] Revenant: n. One who returns after death. [French, from present participle of revenir, to return, from Old French] A monster made from the parts of a deceased parent. You decide when the consummation of the marriage occured. (May 5)

Slam of the Year

7. "Leverkusen is here to have fun," wrote the Columbus Dispatch. "The players went sightseeing yesterday in Columbus ..." It must have been a short trip. (June 2)

6. "Ammann to United, Ankle Biting Midget to Metros" (www.mtbftr.com, on Metros trading Mike Amman for Richie Williams, Fenruary 17)

5. "The Japanese and Korean peoples are notoriously tidy and always collect up their own rubbish after attending a match. Fans not observing the same degree of orderliness will find themselves the subject of much annoyance from locals. English fans will be encouraged to remove any rubbish and take it with them from the stadium although we have been asked to point out by the FA that this does not include Nick Barmby should he be picked." (Footie 51's advice to English fans attending World Cup '02, October 13)

4. "My recommendation for Chris Albright's international future: Go to Canada." (pitchside.net, February 24)

3. "I said sorry because China is a World Cup finalist, and we only want to play teams in the finals like us." (Bora Milutinovic, China coach, on turning down a friendly with Holland, November 24)

2. "I'm not a Fusion fan and according to the paltry numbers at Lockhart Stadium, I'm not alone." (Paul Gardner, internetsoccer.com, April 14)

   And the Slam of the Year is ...

1. "Brazilians were never good losers in soccer, but they're getting better. It's the constant practice." (Peter Muello, AP, November 17)

Whinger of the Year

10. Chris C. Cipperly: Is a member of that group which distinguishes itself by its inability to keep its yaps shut at youth matches: soccer parents. Being the hypocrites BMAPs are, it follows that at professional matches, Cipperly is a stadium security Nazi sympathizer, whinging that MLS's biggest problem "is fan behavior. When did it become acceptable for anyone, in public, to spend two hours streaming expletives? My wife won't go to games with me. I shouldn't have to go to a special section in order to bring young kids to the games. Young adults are spoiling the game. If they are truly fans and want the league to survive, they need to clean up the language." First things first: shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. Now then ... Whatever happened to "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me"? If you don't like drinking and cussing, don't sit with the Ultras! The modern monomania that demands that a group not only be forced, even under threat of incarcerated butt rape, to accept members it does not want, but that it then adapt itself to the monomaniac's every whim & desire must cease. Plus, TotW suspects that as 2002 dawns, cussing in the stands is the least of Major League Soccer's worries. (August 18)

9. Joan Gaspart: Why do those who win the least, woof the most? Trophy-less in 2000, the president of one-time European champions Barcelona claimed his side was "the best club in the universe." Gaspart was apparently incensed that archrival Real Madrid, eight-time and defending European champions, had (rightfully) won FIFA's Team of the Century award. "I don't believe we're the best -- I know it," said Gaspart. "I don't need FIFA, UEFA or anyone else to tell me. There are certain things you can't decide with a vote. They're obvious." Yes, like you are a whinger. (January 1)

8. Jerry Trecker: The internet columnist said we need to find "some new blood, either here at home or overseas." Now there is a brilliant idea, Einstein. Dick Joll is one of the top referees in Europe and he was savaged for his handling of the Champions League final. (Not to mention Esse Baharmast being excoriated for his [correct] World Cup call by literally everyone until weeks later one replay, just one of dozens, showed him to be correct.) And a rosy-cheeked, bright-eyed & bushy-tailed, enthusiastic new ref right out of his level 8 certification class is going to do better than someone who has done dozens or even hundreds of top-level matches? Not likely. (June 9)

7. Kevin Keegan: The Manchester City manager excoriated referee Uriah Rennie for his handling of the Blackburn-City match. "It was shocking refereeing. You have got to have common sense. Obviously he didn't have enough common sense for the Premiership, that's why he's now down in the other divisions," said Keegan, conveniently forgetting the former England coach's star has fallen even further than Rennie's. (December 1)

6. Hector Cuper: The Inter coach refused to do the graceful thing and concede Alun Armstrong's magic after he scored a late goal to give tiny Ipswich a 1:0 victory over the mighty Milanese. Instead, Cuper complained there had been a foul in the build up to Armstrong's goal. (Conveniently ignoring his own incredibly expensive side's failure to score, which despite missing four forwards due to injury still had two internationals starting up top!) (November 24)

5. KNVB: The Dutch football association wanted to sue FIFA for a slot in World Cup '02 after the Van Gaal-coached national team failed to qualify on its own merit. The Dutch blamed their failure not on their perenially incompetent Little Napoleon, Van Gaal, but on FIFA's Nandrolone ban against national team defender Edgar Davids. Don't be shocked when TotW informs you that the Dutch would have settled the Matter of Honor for a meager £30 million. (October 13)

4. Alex Ferguson: Manchester United bowed out of the FA Cup 1:0 to West Ham. Naturally, with a squad including sublime talents the likes of Phil Neville, there's no way Man U could have lost had there not been a conspiracy to the contrary. The Duke of Salford, said so hisself: After whinging about the pitch being an "absolute disgrace" due to a rugby match two months -- and many Man U victories, by the way -- ago, Ferguson whinged about the referee's faulty timekeeping, a handball that wasn't given, and finished up his litany of laments by excusing Phil Neville's post-match accosting of the referee. (February 3)

3. Ken Stasik, soccer parent, also features in the Blotter Entries of the Year for his assault on his son's 10-year old teammate. Stasik earned whinger dishonor for rationalizing his violence as being "overly protective of the boy because another son has 'struggled to live' since being born with a rare disease and undergoing bone marrow transplants." Waah. (October 27)

2. David O'Leary: The Leeds manager was SHOCKED! that UEFA would ban Lee Bowyer from the UEFA Cup semifinal return leg, after Bowyer deliberately stamped on the head of Valencia's prone Juan Sanchez in the first leg. "... I cannot believe he has been banned for three games for violent play," said O'Teary. "How they can justify that, I don't know!" Apparently Bowyer mistook Sanchez for an Asian exchange student. (May 12)

   And the Arsene Wenger Whinger of the Year is ...

1. Frank Farina: The Australia coach is a whinger par excellence, almost in the same league as Arsene Whinger ... err, Wenger. The one thing I can't stand as a player is an opponent who plays like an ax-murderer on PCP, but can't take the slightest brush with out wailing, and flailing, and getting personally offended. Farina is the coaching equivalent. After winning its OFC qualifying group by an average score of 16½:0 -- including a then record 22:0 over Tonga, only to follow up with a 31:0 beating of American Samoa, which included seven goals in the last 10 minutes -- TotW has zero sympathy for Australia. If Paolo di Canio won FIFA's Fair Play Award for kicking a ball out of touch so an injured opponent could receive treatment, then Farina deserves whatever the opposite is for not calling off his dogs. Since there is no such dishonor -- other than in these pages -- TotW has to settle for Uruguay ousting Australia from the World Cup finals on 3:1 aggregate. The loss of course prompted a Farina moan: "I think that Oceania should have direct entry." Not when Australia can't beat a team that is worse than Brazil. (December 1)

Headline of the Year

12. Fuck baseball (May 5)
11. World's smallest black man (September 1)
10. Thanx for the diagnosis, Dr. Welby (February 3)
9. Stupid gesture proven stupid (April 14)
8. Serna makes Mutiny his bitch (June 2)
7. FIFA fines Albania two goats and a rusty knife (May 5)
6. Witch doctor keeps ex-Nigeria captain's corpse (sportserver.com, April 21)
5. It's hard to think straight with a stiff dick in your hand (April 21)
4. Sunday May be Last Chance to See Anything this Bad (St. Petersburg Times, September 8)
3. Argelico Fucks off to Benfica (August 18)

"Cole to fill the Owen hole"

(skysports.com on Ashley Cole taking the place of the injured Michael Owen for England's World Cup qualifier against Greece ... how apropos. October 13)

And the Headline of the Year is ...

"Skovdahl appeals for cup support"

Manager Ebbe Skovdahl asking Aberdeen fans to help the Dons top Livingston in a Scottish Cup match. It didn't work, Livingston running out victors 1:0. (BBC, March 10)

Blotter Entries of the Year

10. Denver (Colorado): 'Celebrating' the Avalanche's championship, hundreds of supporters poured into Denver's streets, throwing smoke bombs, lighting fires in the streets, rocking passing vehicles and smashing their windows, and otherwise behaving suspiciously like right proper yobbos. (Btw, Avalanche play hockey, proving that hooliganism is neither Europe's nor soccer's "peculiar institution".) Also proving that in America hooliganism does not practice gender discrimination was Carrie Reinhard, who was seen jumping up & down on several cars. "It's just a good time. I'm just out here partying. Go Avs!" said Reinhard, who the crowd was trying to get to take off her shirt. Continued Reinhard, "I've got too much class for that." (June 23)

9. Chorzow (Poland): Polish hooligans jumped a fence separating Polish and Norwegian supporters so they could fight amongst themselves. (Norwegian supporters were not involved.) Think about that for a second, then insert your own Polish joke. (September 8)

8. Parma (Italy): Bologna keeper Gianluca Pagliuca had worms, apparently lots of them, thrown on him by Parma supporters. "It was terrible," said Pagliuca. "I had worms inside my T-shirt. The worms were the sort that are even more disgusting after you've squashed them." (April 14)

7. Nigeria: Robi Shapira, chairman and majority owner of Israel side Hapoel Haifa, killed himself at his frozen fish business in Nigeria. In step with Shapira's business, Hapoel's fortunes declined over the past few years. (The players' paychecks had bounced this week.) A fish market in Nigeria ain't much, but at least Shapira didn't die with a jelly donut in his mouth, taking a crap, like Elvis. (December 15)

6. Chiquimulilla (Guatemala): When a thunder storm blew over the stadium during a Deportivo Chiquimulilla - Pueblo Nuevo Vinas match, officials decided to continue play. Shortly thereafter, a bolt of lightning struck a guard rail surrounding the pitch, knocking everyone on the pitch -- players, coaches and referees -- off their feet. Dozens of casualties, 2 fatalities. This qualifies the official who made the decision to continue as Moron of the Week. Folks, lightning does not have to be crackling over your head, or even 'nearby' to constitute a danger. If you see it anywhere it can hit you. The horizon on a flat surface such as the ocean is something like seven miles, on land it is even less. Lightning can even hit you from 10 miles away, from the other side of a mountain, on a cloudless day (I saw it on a Discovery channel show). It can hit you when you can't see it, so if you see it, suspend the match. Otherwise you too are a moron. (August 18)

5. Rome (Italy): Before departing Naples, Napoli supporters clashed with police. One of the busses carrying Napoli supporters to Rome was hit with stones thrown from a bridge. A Napoli car and two busses were torched. One Napoli supporter was stabbed outside Olympic Stadium before the match. During the match itself, inside the stadium, Napoli supporters clashed with police and Lazio supporters. 100+ casualties. Quite a days work. (January 13)

4. Preston (England): A pizza delivery man was robbed by some apparent street footballers when he stopped his car so they could retrieve their ball from underneath it. The muggers stole £90, which is $130 at the current exchange rate, or roughly what a MetroStar earned for playing three Copa MercoNorte matches. (August 25)

3. Muskego (Wisconsin): In the same week that 45-year old spectator Kieran Whelan attacked an opposing teenage player in Massachusetts, bully Ken Stasik didn't even wait for his victim to go through puberty, attacking his son's 10-year old teammate during training when friendly rough housing between the players resulted in his Darling Precious falling down. Stasik was charged with felony child abuse. (October 27)

2. Stockholm (Sweden): Tensta United keeper Claudio Rubino Jerez was sentenced to two years in prison for his September attack on referee Ariel Scaparro (see TotW #108, Turd of the Week) that broke the Scaparro's cheek and foot. Jerez was also fined the $8,000 cost of Scaparro's medicals bills. Tensta United, a 5th Division team, was expelled from the league. (December 1)

   And the Blotter Entry of the Year is ...

1. South Africa & Ghana: There were a number of stadium near-disasters in 2001 -- Sao Januario, in Brazil, where 159 people were injured, springs to mind for Vasco da Gama and the CBF's callous venality -- but, in toto, they paled in comparison to April's disaster at Ellis Park in Johannesburg, South Africa, which left 43 dead, after which FIFA impotentate Sepp Blatter reiterated his support for South Africa's bid to host World Cup '06. He really did. Worse was yet to come. Just days after Blatter stuck his foot in his mouth, 126 people died in Accra, Ghana. The South African tragedy was due to stadium overcrowding, followed by a fence collapse -- like Sao Januario and Hillsborough. But the Ghanaian tragedy started with seats. The match between Asante Kotoko and Hearts of Oak had five minutes to go when when Kotoko supporters started tearing out their seats, then hurling them on the pitch. Police responded with tear gas, causing a panicked stampede, and needless death.

   TotW Psychic Moment #6: In July, 2000, and then again in November, 2000, based on overcrowding, riotting, and official incompetence & brutality, TotW predicted that the next great stadium disaster would occur in Africa.

Hero of the Year

10. Robby the Bobby: Who said cops don't have a sense of humor? The Bury mascot is honored for going above and beyond the call of duty when he mooned Stoke City supporters, then beheaded Cardiff's Bartly the Bluebird, thus traumatizing an entire generation of British youth worse than seeing the Queen Mum in her knickers. (December 1)

9. Mike Ammann: The then MetroStars keeper refused to report after being traded against his wishes to DC United. The trade cost Ammann significant outside income, a necessity for underpaid MLS players. (February 10)

8. Ecuador, which qualified for its first ever World Cup. Ecuador were longer shots that fellow World Cup debutantes Slovenia, who at least had a good Euro 2000 run in their recent past. Plus, Ecuador qualified ahead of Brazil. (November 17)

7. Digital Takawira & David Hayes: The Milwaukee Rampage forwards scored two short-handed goals apiece to defeat San Diego FC 4:3. Rampage played one-man short for 49 minutes. (June 23)

6. Michael Owen, England striker, for playing the role of Monty to Oliver Kahn's Rommel. Owen's hat trick led England in handing Germany its worst ever (soccer) defeat on Teutonic soil, a 1:5 loss in World Cup qualifying. (September 8)

5. Lorraine Rogers, Tranmere chairwoman, who refunded £18 apiece to 80 supporters who paid that amount to take a club bus 220 miles to Brentford, only to watch their side get thrashed 4:0. "We have great supporters. They are so loyal and they can't be faulted," said Rogers. "The atmosphere was tremendous at Brentford, the players couldn't have been given any better support and it is right that the club should refund the fans." Talk about a standup broad! (September 22)

4. Bradley Center: The arena's board of directors is deserving of great honor for voting to deny Tim-MAY! Krause's bid to use Center property to build a stadium for a possible Milwaukee MLS team. The vote saved Milwaukee's existing professional team, the Rampage, from being stabbed in the back. And now expansion is the last thing on Major League Soccer's mind. (September 29)

3. Philip Anschutz is doing more than his fair share to keep MLS afloat, first strong-arming ESPN into a 5-year MLS television contract in exchange for the Anschutz-held broadcast rights to World Cup '02 and '06, then scooping up destitute and rudderless MLS teams like DC United, MetroStars, and possibly more. Anschutz also finances his own stadia. (October 27)

2. Paul Caligiuri, who retired this year after his LA Galaxy won the US Open Cup. Caligiuri is honored for his 30-yard rocket twelve years ago against Trinidad & Tobago, the goal that put the US into Italia '90, its first World Cup in four decades. "That goal put professional soccer in the US in motion," international teammate Jeff Agoos said. "It propelled the sport into the American mainstream. It was, if not the genesis, the catalyst for a lot of the things that have happened since then." (November 3)

   And the Hero of the Year is ...

1. Werner Fricker, who was president of USSF from 1984 until 1990. It was Fricker that brought World Cup '94 to the United States, leading to the current boomlet of professional soccer. Fricker passed away in June. "Hopefully we won't blow what he gave us," TotW said at the time, though at year's end Major League Soccer's prospects are looking mighty dim. (June 9)

Turd of the Year

I, Your Humble Turd of the Week Editor (YHTotWE), am fucking tired of writing. I know who I think is the Turd of the Year, but I was curious what my esteemed associates on the TotW staff thought ...

• Dave Morris (Paul Gardner Memorial Paper Coach): In a year with so many deserving candidates, I have a longshot proposal: Landon Donovan. Why? The answer is simple: For wearing a sports bra at Major League Soccer's all star game. It was an all-time idiot move. By getting involved in some sort of parody of the women's game, Donovan was really giving the game away. For a guy who ought to be putting every strand of physical talent he can summon in the service of making the World Cup squad, maybe the Turd of the Year will serve the same function -- WARNING! BASEBALL ANALOGY FOLLOWS!!! [ed.] -- Kevin Costner did in "Bull Durham": Remind the young, green talent "Don't fuck up your talent by thinking or being funny. Fucking play ball!"

• Slava 'Shurik' Malamud (Reserve Goalkeeper): Major League Soccer is a shoo-in, because their mindless desire to copy baseball at everything may lead to the elimination of two clubs, including the only one which has the letters "FC" in its name.

• Mike 'mikeyratt' Garbett (Loyal Reserve Team Member): Oh, where to choose from! Luis Hernandez, MLS, the lawyer on my soccer team that went ballistic last Saturday and kicked in the door of an opponent's -- Athletes for Christ! -- SUV? All that being said, I have to give it to Sepp Blatter, just for general incompetence, stupidity and the fact that he switches sides more often than the Italians during a world war.

• Sean Swift (Third Division Superstar): Sepp Blatter is too easy a target. Trying to figure out the inner workings of Major League Soccer is like trying to explain nuclear fusion, except without the logic and laws of physics and stuff. MLS has deception and racketeering to such a fine science, the Mafia are taking notes. Players are traded and sold practically at knifepoint. Empty promises about futbol-only stadiums resonate like Echo Cavern, but only Columbus has delivered. The penalty for doing well is to have your best players shipped away, in the most awkward attempt at parity since, well, the Numerous Felons League. Yes, friends, Major League Soccer is the only possible winner.

• Erich Gipson (Tampa Bay Correspondent): The obvious choice is, of course, Sepp Blatter. However, he already won Turd of the Century, and is certainly a future Turd Emeritus, so to nominate Blatter would be redundant. MLS president Don Garber's only positive contribution to soccer has been to bring MLS partially in line with how the rest of the world plays the game. That was in 1999. Since then, he's presided over and defended the single entity structure that is driving away investors and slowly sinking the league. Obviously desperate for attention from the media, Garber is threatening contraction for those teams that don't pony up more $$$ for his already mismanaged clusterfuck. Garber seems like the little brother trying to keep up with the big boys, Major League Baseball owners, with his talk of contraction: "Hey guys, wait up! I can contract too. Watch!" Garber has done nothing to change a system that treats MLS players as serfs and pays $40 for three days of work. Therefore, my choice is Don Garber.

Wow, I guess YHTotWE is not alone. It brings a tear to my eye. *sniff* It is also very condemning of the direction first division football has taken in the United States.

In 1999, Major League Soccer's incoming president, Don Garber, rated a B+ on the basis of the changes he had made (or failed to make) in his first few months in office. Eliminating Doug 'the Centrifuge' Logan's pet project, the crapshoot, was at the top of the list. TotW also listed five tasks yet to be accomplished, some more important than others, none of which Garber has corrected in the two years since.

The first year of Garber's stewardship saw MLS in stasis. Last winter, MLS received an amazingly favorable legal judgement from the District Court of Taxachusetts, a beribboned package aglow with Christmas delight. Rather than celebrate their antitrust victory with business growth, MLS actually held serious discussions about exterminating teams. Despite the talk, the league played 2001 with the same 12 it played with in 2000.

Admirably, the players ignored the legal snub, and low wages, to put forth the best play Major League Soccer had ever seen. Previous whipping boys Miami and eventual champions San Jose displayed that American anomaly: Wondrous attacking soccer. What did MLS do with that golden egg? Turn Faberge green with envy? No, they let the golden egg rot until it stunk like maggot-infested roadkill.

In what has seemingly become an annual event, Major League Soccer is again on the precipice of team extermination. (The teams may have already been exterminated, but the league ain't bothing to tell the people that pay their wages: The fans.) When YHTotWE was a young parochial school student, the nuns would drag him to the symphony every Christmas season for yet another performance of "Peter and the Wolf": The story of a boy who found that he could get attention from the villagers for crying wolf, until one day he actually ran into a wolf. When he cried for help no one came to help, so he ended up as wolf poop.

If MLS exterminates teams it will be a mistake. It is an even worse mistake to jerk the fans around every off-season about exterminating teams. Eventually what few fans there are left of going to get sick of being bullshitted and having their chain pulled, give MLS the finger, then go back to supporting obscure Chilean sides on Fox Sports World Espanol.

Major League Soccer might have a new TV contract -- which the league did absolutely nothing to acquire, leaving that small matter up to the individual initiative of Philip Anschutz -- but if the league does not square its shit away post haste, it will lucky to see the dawn of 2003, let alone the end of the TV contract in 2006.

There are many deserving dishonorees other than those mentioned by my esteemed colleagues: Soccer America, for being tardy and poorly edited; BigSoccer.com, for being censors and spammers whose moderators have pyromaniacal tendencies; Luis 'el Mierdador' Hernandez, who was missing so often we ought to change his nickname to 'el Fantasma' (the Ghost); any number of judges and soccer parents, for obvious reasons; Tim-MAY! Krause, Milwaukee's would be MLS owner; Australia's national team, for being thugs, bullies and crybabies; and Brazilian soccer, for being a mess in every aspect from club to country.

As for Major League Soccer ... Don Garber was personally dishonored twice: for promoting Ivan Gazidis and squelching information. Major League Soccer as a whole was directly cited once for even considering the extermination of teams. (This was at the end of 2001, not the end of 2000, though making such a mistake is forgivable for its frequency.) The league also received a Dingleberry. MLS players were thrice dishonored: the aforementioned el Fantasma, twice, which reflects poorly on the league's personnel acquisition (or what passes for such), and Craig Demmin for a bad foul on Josh Wolff, which almost cost the US World Cup qualification, and reflects poorly not on the referees, but on the league's confused instructions to its referees. (The Numerous Felons League is a living reductio ad absurdum of what happens when a league confuses referees.) MLS flunkies received another Turd for kissing Mickey Rat's Esspin ass. MLS owners received a Turd and a Dingleberry. New US U-20 coach, former DC United fuckup Thomas Wrongen, received a Dingleberry. That means MLS, in various forms, received a whopping total of three DotWs and eight TotWs. The evidence is incontrovertible:

TotW 2001 Archive

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