Turd of the Year
2000 Year-In-Review

Several themes ran throughout Turd of the Week in the year 2000: Oldfart's tenuous relationship with American soccer; Major Laughing Stock's (MLS) shady player deals and shabby player treatment; the amazing frequency with which supposedly inferior teams defeated bigger ones; federation venality; major media malfeasance; manager bungling; and Maradona's bongloading. (That's quite alot of alliteration, wouldn't you say?) Interestingly enough, incidences of Maradona's destructive and boorish behavior opened and closed the year.

January 8
That's all? What's [Maradona] been up to this millenium? Well, seems he was hospitalized this week after complaining of hypertension and an irregular heartbeat. Were it any other fat slob, the reasonable assumption would be an excessive intake of fatty foods. (Maradona's most urgent recuperative request? Steak.) But with Diego, as we are all aware, his excessive intake is not merely limited to other fat cows. So when subsequent headlines read "Soccer star Maradona tests positive for cocaine", "That's all?" TotW wondered. Naturally his manager (also recently suspected of drug violations) was the last to figure this all out: Guillermo Coppola said, "I was surprised by the excess of the substance in his analysis ..."

Headline of the Year
(As voted on by TotW's editorial staff)

10. United we stand, Rongen we fall (July 15)
9. Can't you kiss us after you screw us? (March 11)
8. Prominent activist certifiably paranoid (September 9)
7. Football needs a Blatterectomy (November 15)
6. Ph'hglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh Wgah'nagl fhtan (January 15)
5. Yugoslavia defeats Macedonia -- Clinton announces Stealth bombing campaign (February 26)
4. US to play North Pole XI (December 9)
3. "If you think we're small, look inside your pants." (October 28)
2. USSF avoids shooting self in foot (January 29)
1. RFK Stadium more decayed than RFK (June 24)

January 29
The truth hurts: Parma midfielder Dino Baggio was banned for two matches for insulting a referee. His offense? He made a hand gesture suggesting the official had been bribed. Why he later apologized for the incident, TotW has no idea. Maybe all those Rolex watches and exercise machines the Italian federation forced referees to return to clubs really were gifts afterall. (The gift giving has in fact been sanctioned by the Italian federation since 1987!) And not only does the truth hurt, but it also appears to be stranger than fiction: Last week TotW joked that the reason Cagliari was bottom of the table was because their gift had given refs the clap. Turns out that an Italian club did indeed provide prostitutes to referees. One hopes that the girls were cleaner than the refs.

February 26
We want to emulate them? When players in Brazil's league are not being hacked down like Brazil's rainforest, they are pretending to be hacked down. Maybe it is Pavlovian conditioning: Just like a dog will learn to salivate when you ring a bell if you associate bell-ringing with kibbles & bits, perhaps Brazil's attackers have learned to go down easy when threatened with one of its defenders all too frequently scything tackles. Diving is widespread in Brazilian football, where the slightest touch is enough to send a player crashing to the ground. Doubt that? You'll be pardoned if on watching a tape of last year's Dallas Cup U-19 final you thought you were watching Greg Louganis at the Olympics©®™. For all the flair some of its individual players may have, it's time to recognize Brazilian football for what it is: a farce. A joke. A rotten apple, worm-eaten like Joao Havelange's soul.

March 4

List of the Year
(As voted on by TotW's editorial staff)

Oldfart Matthãus Photo List (18 Mar)
	This photo depicts: Lothar & the Hand People performing their hit "Space Hymn". Lothar commanding his minions to kneel before him. Lothar being arrested for consorting with underage models. Lothar being led to New York at gun point. Lothar being robbed in New York at gun point. Lothar giving up all hope after his first match in New York.

Top 10 Reasons Clive Charles Selects Conor Casey (23 Sept)

10. Angling for England job by proving he is worse at picking players than Kevin Keegan.
9. Trying to get fired so he can join Steve Sampson's U-8 rec staff in California.
8. Thinks Conor is that "Highlander" guy with the cool sword.
7. Casey has pictures of Charles with midgets and whips.
6. Throwing snit at not getting US Women's job.
5. Psychic Hotline told him to.
4. Likes the letter 'C'.
3. Nepotism
2. Insanity

   And the number one reason Clive Charles selects Conor Casey ...

1. Casey swallows!

Top 20 Things That Happen in Baseball Between Pitches (19 Aug)

20. Catch a nap
19. Scratch
18. Bullpen catcher flirts with teenage ball girl
17. Scratch
16. Call bookie on dugout phone
15. Scratch
14. Mingle at pitchers' mound to discuss what strip club to visit after the game
13. Scratch
12. 4,238 throws to first base
11. Scratch
10. Argue with people fatter than firstbasemen: the umps
9. Scratch
8. Hey! Beer! Man!
7. Scratch
6. Barf over railing onto lower grandstand
5. Scratch
4. Pick up after Schotzie
3. Scratch
2. Flip off George Steinbrenner

   And the number one thing to do between pitches ...

1. SPIT!

Top 10 Things That Take Less Time Than A Baseball Game (26 Aug)

10. Drive the Illinois tollway from Indiana to Wisconsin ... during rush hour.
9. Evolve primordial goop into intelligent, space-faring lifeform.
8. 1000 typing monkeys randomly write "Romeo & Juliet".
7. Read the Bible ... in Aramaic.
6. Perform Wagner's Ring Cycle.
5. National Football League 'instant' replay review.
4. 120-year old man getting boner ... without Viagra.
3. Create new galaxy; wait until it collapses into blackhole.
2. MLS convincing aging, foreign prima donna that he really ought to play 10 matches in the US for exorbitant wages.

   And the number one thing that takes less time than a baseball game ...

1. SPIT!

And the #1 List of the Year is ...

Photo List (1 Apr)

This photo depicts: WWF Superstar Dusty Rhodes signing his New York Times bestseller. Joey Buttafouco explaining his philosophy on life & love. Pablo Escobar moments before being gunned down by Medellin cartel rivals. Jabba the Hut plotting the destruction of another galaxy. Free Willy finding his way back to the ocean. Bill Clinton jogging to Burger King for a triple-bacon cheddar deluxe. That guy. That guy who used to do that stuff. You know, that guy!

March 11
Commies not satisfied with White House: Not satisfied with other baubles purchased on their decade long US spending spree -- ports, nukes, Bill Clinton -- the Chinese are apparently throwing millions of dollars worth of prison labor behind US Soccer svengali Alan Rothenberg's attempt to buy the Dallas Burn. No need then for Dallas to change its red uniforms.

More USSF fiscal wisdom: USSF, no different than any other bureaucracy when it comes to lethargic, overpaid bureacrats, is paying women's national team coach April Heinrichs almost January 5 what it is paying men's coach Bruce Arena, $100,000 to $482,852. Heinrichs (and World Cup winning coach Tony DiCicco before her) is making less than USSF's top four pencil pushers. Put in relative terms, the women's coach made $4,000 per victory in 1999, compared to $69,000 per men's victory. "Why wouldn't U.S. Soccer hire a $500,000 coach for the women?" said Donna Lopiano, executive director of the Women's Sports Foundation. "There isn't a marketplace of soccer coaches who only coach men's soccer. They're soccer coaches, period. It's saying to me that U.S. Soccer isn't going to get as good a coach for the women as for the men because they don't want to spend $500,000." No, Donna, what it is saying is that Alan Rothenberg needs more scratch to buy off the Chinese, and Hank Steinbrecher needs more filthy shekels for the retirement home in the Cayman Islands.

March 18
My game? My ass! Though your humble TotW editor loves football -- which is kinda like saying the Pope loves mass -- it is not his game. As you might be aware, MLS has switched its motto from "This stuff kicks!" to "It's your game". Oh? The old Voice of God ads (disembodied voiceover of empty stadium) were about as effective as slingshots against a Stealth bomber, but the motto was a good one: Even the grizzled old bastards on the TotW staff are at least aware that something that "kicks" is fly, cool, rocks, groovy and is really hip daddy-o. Plus it told the public something about the sport. There is a reason, afterall, why it is called football: because unlike the misnamed American pointyball variety, the majority of the players (though they might still be little guys with wierd names) actually kick the ball. Okay, so MLS shit-canned the old motto. No big deal, except the new one sucks donkey dongs. Labelling anything "yours" or "mine" is pretentious and way overdone. It's another bogus marketing phrase craze. It seems like *EVERYTHING* these days is labelled MyThis and YourThat. Thus, jumping on MyBandWagon does nothing to distinguish MLS's motto from anyone else's. I always wonders if this whatever is mine, then I am going to going to do this, and this, and this with it. Oh, what was that? I can't change it to the way I want it? But I thought you said it was mine? It is. Well, if it's mine, I can change it, and if I can't change it, it must not be mine. Stupid. It's not "your" game! How can it both be yours and mine? Whose exactly is it? "Yours" or "mine" implies ownership. Ownership, disregarding government interference in things it ought not interfere in, means one can do with it what one wills. Do you suppose that if I were to march into MLS's New York offices and start re-arranging the furniture -- Yo, Garb, fetch me some coffee! -- that I would not be arrested quicker than you can say "Riker's Island"? If I were to actually assume that acting as if MLS were mine -- or any of the other entities that claim they are "mine" or "yours" -- I would consider myself lucky to end up in Riker's and not in a precinct closet with a plunger between my cheeks.

April 1
Sepp Blatter: Is there a need to say anymore? At this point in his FIFA presidency the very name itself ought to be enough to either elicit peals of laughter or cringes of terror. Really. Because if Sepp Blatter is being mentioned you already know what is coming next: another insane, ill-planned or ridiculous proposal. This week's edition of Sepp Blatter's Brain Fart of the Week visits the issue of drugs. On the one hand, we find Sepp holding a FIFA summit on the use of nandrolone by footballers. Of course, FIFA has banned the use of nandrolone. (Nevermind that FIFA's own medical studies prove a footballer's body can easily, naturally produce the hormone in amounts that exceed the legal limits.) On the other hand, we find Sepp wanting to hire on a post-rehab Maradona. Surely not as a secretary of sportsmanship or director of fitness. Perhaps as FIFA's drug enforcement officer? Everyone deserves as many chances as they need to get their life back on track, but continuing to give refuse like Maradona high-profile, high-prestige, well-paying positions merely reinforces their anti-social, self-destructive behavior. If FIFA really wanted to help Maradona, not be his enabler, they would give him a minimum wage job mowing pitches in Zimbabwe. Ask someone who actually cares about Maradona the person, not the Maradona-who-makes-me-look-good-when-I-hire-him. Francisco Cornejo, the scout who signed nine-year old Diego to his first team, the Little Onions: "All the money in the world couldn't persuade me to get involved with him again."

April 8
Ammunition: The next time you -- a soccer supporter -- are approached by yet another (most likely American) sports xenophobe whose learned opinion it is that soccer would be more exciting if only it widened the goals, or allowed timeouts, or had more substitutes, or whatever other harebrained idea he or Sepp Blatter could come up with, TotW suggests you offer the following improvements to the xenophobe's sport of choice:

Baseball: The geek is probably a baseball purist who spends every waking moment cursing the day the "designated hitter" rule was created. Counterattack with the suggestion that baseball shrink all ball parks down to Little League size, use aluminum bats and force the pitcher to only throw slo-pitch underhand. You might also ask the baseball geek how often he sees fans sleeping in the stands of a soccer match versus at a baseball game.

Basketball: Roots are something all purists worship. Suggest to the basketball purist that the sport return to using peach baskets, because in today's litigous society we can't be having spectators showered with shards of glass every time Dr. Who comes flying up court to throw down some Chocolate Thunder. Better yet, eliminate the dunk, because it wasn't a part of the game until they let tall black guys play the sport, rather than stumpy white guys. A true basketball purist rues The Day the Jump Shot Died. Give the purist options: Suggest that the basket be raised to 12 feet, or that merely setting foot in the lane be a foul, or even use the really old rule where dribbling wasn't allowed -- only passing or shooting.

Hockey: Suggest that the hockey purist watch "Rollerball" next time it is on one of the billions of cable channels Ted Turner used to own, because if hockey players could smack each other with those cool spiked gloves, then the fights would be even better!

Horse Racing: They just go around in a circle. No sooner have you sat down with your beer, than it is time to go home! There is no blood bluer and more traditional that that of the equine purist. Suggest to the equinist that Bellemont or Saratoga hold all day jousts instead. Nothing brings a smile to the face of a true equinist like the sight of impaled midgets wriggling around on the end of 10 foot poles. If that is too traditional for the traditionalist, offer that perhaps allowing indians to chase white people in wagons while shooting arrows at them might be more their glass of mint julep.

Auto Racing: One of the oldest of sports, dating to back to the chariot races of the Roman Empire. (If the auto racing enthusiast disputes this fact, point out that there's a reason engines are measured in "horsepower".) Concede to the auto enthusiast that it would difficult for drivers to whip each other at 200 mph, suggesting instead that the cars be equipped with razor-bladed wheels.

Wrestling: No, do not suggest to the wrestling purist that the sport would be better if the wrestlers wore outlandish costumes and fought in steel cages with barbwire baseball bats. Because that is not traditional. Purists are traditionalists. Suggest that all matches be totally nude.

Football: Suggest to the delusional "football" enthusiast that the sport eliminate timeouts, banish unlimited substitutions, reduce the number of officials, ditch the armor and go back to using a round ball.

April 15
Mongoloid banjo player: Who says single-entity isn't a crime against humanity, an incestuous tangle of relations between relations? Mexican superstar Luis 'el Matador' Hernandez is all set to move to MLS, but he will only play for LA Galaxy. (Think of Hernandez as Carlos Hermosillo, but with more charisma ... and mobility.) Galaxy in turn want Hernandez, but because single-entity does not allow them to sign their own players they are not about to give up anything significant to get him. It is MLS, which is desperate to increase its attendance figures, which has the pene derecho for el Matador. Under its own self-imposed rules -- ones that every thinking fan knows are as flexible as a 13-year old Chinese gymnast -- MLS restricts the number of foreigners the league may sign each year, because the league wants to limit profligate spending by clueless billionaires on old or unfit players not named Matthãus, Vega or Hurtado. The only teams holding a spare so-called 'foreign allocation' are NE Revolution and SJ Earthclash, both of which are operated by Robert Kraft, the cheese pimp from Massachusetts. (Though MLS doesn't like to admit it, Kraft has still not actually purchased San Jose.) The NE-SJ brother-sister act lead to last year's most sordid MLS deal, the trade of Jeff Baicher for Jair (TotW, 990821). The deal smelled like a Jersey dump. (Jair is now out of MLS; Baicher retired after being traded to KC Wizards in the close season because his wife makes more money hacking code then he can make hacking legs!) It is with these "two" teams that Galaxy must negotiate; discussions which are equivalent to a grocer negotiating with the fresh produce affiliates of the Lucchese and Genovese families. The only question is whether the Capo di tutti Capi, Don Garber, will strong arm Galaxy into taking Hernandez, like a man of respect persuading the longshoremen that his consigliere would be a most appropriate union president.

April 22
Another team outdraws Kansas City: 14,023 fans attended a match last week between Arsenal and Middlesbrough. A shockingly low number, one would think. Even considering that Middlesbrough is a distinctly mediocre side. However the match was between the club's youth teams. Meanwhile, the rampant Wizards were making much of the fact that they drew a whopping 7380 last weekend, despite GM Curt Johnson promising two weeks ago that as soon as Kansas City's indoor soccer team was knocked out the of the playoffs Wizards attendance would would expand like Tony Meola's waistline at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

April 29
That'll show 'em! The Nazi Colleges Against Athlete's (NCAA), struck swiftly and decisively to deal with Indiana defender Nick Garcia's head butt on a Santa Clara player in the national championship game won 1:0 by Indiana. Okay, so the game was last November. Garcia no longer actually attends Indiana, playing pro ball for the KC Wizards the last three months, so the Nazi Colleges reprimanding him is as pointless as tits on a bull. Instead, in fine Nazi Colleges tradition, the school and its current players will punished for the actions of a player long since departed. Of course, as large, quasi-govermental oligarchs are prone to do in such situations, the incovenient and embarassing facts will be overlooked or squelched in the all out effort to make the oligarchy look good. You see, Garcia not only was not red-carded by the incompetent official -- and "incompetent" is the correct term as the referee was within a few feet of Garcia and looking straight at him when he committed the violent conduct -- but the Nazi College's actually picked Garcia as the tournament's outstanding defender! TotW would question when the colleges themselves will tell the NCAA to take a flying fuck at the moon and walk out of the organization, because the NCAA has no power without its members, but the colleges are too busy making money off the athletes, their indentured servants. So, when the NCAA says bend over, the colleges do ... and smile. Thus, the point is moot. Instead what TotW wonders is when the athletes themselves will oragnize. Pay for play: It's not a matter of if, but when. And maybe, just maybe, then college's will get out of the sports business and back to doing what they ought to be doing, education.

Whinger of the Year
(As voted on by TotW's editorial staff)

Dishonorable mention: MLS for crying to poor to the US district court judge who's their golfing buddy resulting in a judgement against the players in their antitrust suit.

5. Eyal Berkovic: Setting a fine example for aggrieved soccer parents everywhere, Berkovic took his benching not as a sign to improve his performance, training habits or attitude, but rather to sue. Let's put it this way, when Chris Sutton has a place in the team, and you don't, maybe you aren't the "best player at the club". (October 28)

4. Kurt Jara: Jara got banned for bitching about how his side was treated ... in a 2:0 win. After having a go at Groundskeeper Willy for the "shoddy" pitch at his own stadium, Jara accused the refs of having a vendetta gainst him. Proving his clinical paranoia, Jara said, "Every time I speak to them about this, they just deny it." (November 11)

3. Eric Wynalda: "Everyone here loves Ray's jokes and thinks the world of Ray. Well, I don't think it is funny to be the 10th best team of 12 in the league. I want to go somewhere where people want to win a championship." Eric Whinealda, well-traveled, oft-injured MLS forward and team cancer, who has done nothing on the pitch, on the bench or in the boot room to help any of his multitude of teams win since World Cup '94, after being traded from Miami to New England. (July 15)

2. Hank Steinbrecher: "In the absence of a weekly league, they look to us for a weekly paycheck." The reason there wasn't a women's league was because of USSF footdragging, leaving TotW to wonder if the USSF morons like Steinbrecher realized that if the women had to work at Mickey freakin' D's, they might not have so much time to train and win all those cups that fill USSF's vaults with the gold they are hoarding? (January 15)

1. Arsene Wenger: Even by coaching standards, Wenger is near-sighted, never having seen any misbehavior by his players. So it stood to reason that Wenger would complain about his own FA-imposed 12-match ban and $160,000 fine for verbally and physically abusing a referee. Wenger's snit extended to removing myself from contention for the England job. Wenger later threatened to completely quit coaching if the European Commission scrapped the transfer system. It seemed like every week brought a new Wenger whinge. Wenger was such a prolific and multifaceted whinger -- often going above & beyond the call of doody -- that, in addition to his Whinger of the Year dishonor, the Collegium Fecal has appointed him TotW's first Whinger Emeritus. In addition, the Collegium Fecal has endowed a yearly award in his name: the Arsene Wenger Whinger of the Year Award. (October 14, October 28)

May 13
You knew where their priorities lay: UEFA -- which has failed to discipline Galatasaray for encouraging the club's rampant hooliganism -- leapt into decisive action this week when it found out Gala had over-charged for UEFA Cup final tickets. It seems Gala had flogged its 12,000 ticket allotment of £20-£45 tickets for £125-£300, a minimum £1 million markup that would embarass even the most zealous tout. UEFA -- which is also ignoring Euro 2000 security concerns (particularly King Baudouin Stadium, the conveniently renamed Heysel) -- will "investigate" the robbery. Meanwhile, there were riots in the Belgian cities of Antwerp, Beveren and Ghent, with some hooligans even trying to attack a hospital where the injured had been taken. Looks like Belgium has a bit of a hooligan problem with just four weeks until they host Euro 2000. Local politicians, police chiefs and football authorities denied the problems could be a prelude to incidents during Euro 2000, which reminds TotW of that scene in Jaws: a few swimmers had already become bait, but it was the big holiday weekend, so the mayor let the blissfully ignorant tourists into his stretch of ocean. Oops. What's the music we hear?

May 27
Compare & Contrast:

• "If anything goes bad, I did it. If anything goes semi-good, then we did it. If anything goes real good, then you did it. That's all it takes to get people to win football games for you." (Bear Bryant, who rarely lost at anything)

• "The formation wasn't the problem. The problem was that the defenders were sleeping in their positions ... When the team loses, the coach loses too." (Barcelona manager Louis van Gaal after his side crashed out of the Champions League to unfancied Valencia; van Gaal was fired after losing the Spanish league a week later.)

Say again? On April 26 CNN/SI's international correspondent Terry Baddoo wrote that "If ever there was a time to get serious about a new European Super League for soccer ... that time is now," followed by a short list of teams, like Barcelona, that have supposedly dominated their leagues over the last few years. Since then, Deportivo Coruna won its first ever Liga Primera title in Spain. Polonia Warsaw took its first Polish league title in 54 years. Lazio topped Italy's Serie A for the first time in 26 years. Sporting Lisbon likewise in Portugal for the first time in 18. Tirol Innsbruck won the Austrian league for the first time in 10 years. Bayern Munchen did win the German Bundesliga, but needed a miracle on the last day to do so, and only two years ago finished second to newly promoted Kaiserslautern. In France, Marseilles barely escaped relegation on goal difference, while Guegnon (2nd division) and Calais (4th division) made all the domestic noise. Galatasaray are the first Turkish club to ever claim European honors, winning the UEFA Cup by defeating Arsenal. Hell, the Dominant Paradigm was even turned upside-down in tiny countries like Georgia where Torpedo Kutaisi knocked off nine-times straight champions Dynamo Tbilisi, Switzerland where St. Gallen claimed it's first title in 96 years, and Armenia where 1st division debutantes Mika claimed a UEFA Cup spot by winning the Armenia Cup. In the US, three-time MLS champs DC United are bottom of the league with a 2-1-9 record, trailing even the Official "World's Worst Club", the MetroStars! (United has lost four straight, dropping matches to Miami and NE Revolution, the latter a 1:3 home thrashing in DC.) Why, given all the upsets, near upsets, and firsts in football this year, would the supposed behemoths such as Barcelona, Juventus, Benfica, Bayern and Manchester United want to form a breakaway so-called 'Super League', consisting just coincidentally only of other 'big' clubs? Because they are scared. Yes, scared. The Goliaths saw David and crapped their collective drawers. The Goliaths know that if they don't get a guaranteed spot at the table they may not get a spot at all, because their dominance is being threatened by aggressive, skillful 'small' clubs which, due to the Bosman Rule, are now able to afford decent players from other countries. That's why the Goliaths want a 'Super League' (which would just be welfare for the rich) and that's why their toadies at the national federations and UEFA tried to convince the European Union to rescind the Bosman Rule. (Which, showing amazing judicial common sense, the EU courts refused to do.) TotW is still waiting for Baddoo's column saying he was wrong.

June 3
Perverse MLS Deal of the Week: TB Mutiny traded Raul Diaz-Arce to DC United for midfield non-entity John Maessner and a bushel of draft picks. Granted, Diaz-Arce found myself excess to Tampa Bay's requirements, and United has needed goals ever since Major Laughing Stock dicked them out of Roy Lassiter. Maessner was just the parsley on the potatoes, Tampa Bay's steak was the draft picks. And maybe from that standpoint the deal makes some sense. But tell us again exactly how United is able to fit Diaz-Arce under the 'salary cap' when Major Laughing Stock forced United to unload him for that same reason two years ago? Who is Tampa Bay owned by? MLS. Who benefits by having Diaz-Arce in DC? MLS. So, who will pay Diaz-Arce for the remainder of the 2000 season, and pay part of his salary in 2001 as well? Of course, Tampa Bay.

	Ivan Gazidis MLS Personnel Czar
Separated at Birth?
	Ivan the Terrible Bloody Tyrant

Compare & Contrast

• "This league will help develop a whole new group of leaders who aren't tainted by the politics [within the administration of United States soccer]. This league will set us free, and provide a great place for so many others to develop." (US international Carla Overbeck on the Women's United Soccer Association)

• "Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new bureaucracy." (Franz Kafka)

June 10
The blame game: The past week saw anonymous MLS officials courageously criticizing LA Galaxy coach Sigi Schmid for being less than happy with how the commissars in the People's MLS Paradise have conducted recent transfers: "Sigi would be fined for his comments. With all his complaining, Sigi has completely devalued the most expensive acquisition in the history of the league, a player that cost the league twice as much as its ever spent on a player." Can you blame Schmid when Major Laughing Stock gouged his team for four starters in return for foisting Luis Hernandez on the Galaxy? Jesus Christ myself couldn't replace four starters. The Galaxy are now 1-1-3 with the Mexican Boy Wonder, who was also supposed to be the silver bullet that magically increased attendance to World Wrestling Federation levels. Instead, after drawing 40,303 for his Hernandez's initial Pasadena appearance, the Galaxy's attendance has dropped right back down to their more normal 16-17,000. Sorry Garb, the western rubes are not going to buy the patent medicine just because some east coast New York sharpie is shilling it. One league GM claimed that "the signing of Hernandez will expose the Galaxy's ticket sales problems. The league will see that you cannot just sign a player, open the gates and expect great things to happen." So, naturally, the league continues to do just that, hoping that its increasingly contorted transfer machinations will draw ethnic hordes just off the boat and more than willing to hand over to Major Laughing Stock their last peso, zloty or drachma.

June 17
Euro 2000 (Brussels, Belgium): The AP reported that "Over the weekend, after Belgium's opening win again Sweden, police detained 58 fans in Brussels. They were dispersed by smoke bombs and tear gas." Thus making it unclear if those fans who did not flee from the teargas were arrested, or if -- in fine NYPD fashion -- the arrested fans were cuffed, then gassed. The Belgian baton charges are a manifestation of the scarey "zero tolerance policy" in place at Euro 2000, and frankly in way too many other countries and cities, under too many other vague circumstances. All zero tolerance does is give the cops a legal bye to act like the Fantastic Four's Thing and get them some "clobberin' time". Or, as one Belgian politician put it, the police had "used a bazooka to chase flies". Richard Daley would be proud.

June 24
If it bleeds, it leads: We get the same old, tired headlines, such as the AP's "England's soccer reputation tarnished again", or Sporting News's "The time for talk is over: Ban the Brits", while the chronic, egregious behavior of other nations' hooligans are ignored by the press. I would say "willfully ignored", but that implies a breadth of knowledge, sense of history, inquisitiveness, and frankly intelligence, that is foreign to what are today in name only "reporters". Or editors, for that matter, who shoulder much of the blame. (Perhaps the lot should be reading TotW's Weekly Blotter.) Oh, the urinalists will squawk like turkey's on the Thanksgiving chopping block that their stories are objective, but that only accounts for the the story itself -- if one is generous and assumes the stories are actually truthful (a dangerous assumption given the frequency with which reporters are prone to either making up stories out of thin air or manufacturing their own exclusives). It does not account for the size of the story, the arrangement of the paragraphs within the story, where the story is placed in the medium, the headline it is given, and all the other less obvious factors that affect the fundamental truthfulness of a story the way non-verbal and sub-verbal communication affect the way spoken words are perceived.

Slam of the Year
(As voted on by TotW's editorial staff)

10. "Good to know England players still excel at some things." (World Soccer responding to allegations by West Ham and ex-England fullback Stuart 'Psycho' Pearce, in his recent biography that "There were times during my England career when I looked at players and wondered how they managed to get that drunk.") (September 30)

9. "Italy know how to defend a 2-0 lead unlike some we could mention." (When Saturday Comes, on Italy's victory over Belgium and England's collapse versus Portugal, June 17)

8. "Though Arsenal seized the initiative in the second half, Chelsea grabbed a second, Zola's shot passing Seaman as he made his arthritic way to the ground, moving as gingerly as someone protecting a particularly nasty incident inside his incontinence underwear." (Dave Bowler, MatchDayUSA.com, September 9)

7. "It is perhaps the forward position alone that conjures fleeting images of glory for this otherwise dull side. The winter acquisition of Danish international Miklos Molnar and his subsequent displays of scoring touch have many tabbing him as the best striker in MLS. Should Canadian Alex Bunbury pick up where he left off late last year, the two could forge a relationship that will leave the twenty or so Wizards fans waving their pool noodles in violent ecstasy." (Ron Ferguson, MatchdayUSA.com, March 18)

6. "He's clinging on to his fat United salary much more tenaciously than ever he clung on to the ball last season." (Dave Bowler, MatchDayUSA.com, after Marc Bosnich turned down a loan from Manchester United to Middlesbrough, September 23)

5. "You've got a bunch of failures sitting in Brussels. All failed existences, shoved off to Brussels by their governments. It is Europe's biggest gang of dead losers." (Franz Beckenbauer on the EU's proposal to abolish the transfer system) Well, there is always Arsenal, but the point is well taken. (September 16)

4. "The Germans played like Germany again, somewhat of a surprise after their pathetic display in Euro 2000. But this was a classical German performance. Good technique, solid passing, plenty of movement, well organized, intelligent. What a difference it makes when you kick Lothar Matthaus out." (Dave Bowler, MatchDayUSA.com, October 14)

3. "Chris Sutton has been found guilty of two counts of common assault after spitting in the face of a Manchester United fan during a night out in London's Soho. Frankly, we're amazed he hit the target." (www.Football365.com, July 15)

2. "Manchester United was not unfamiliar with Real Madrid's goal, taking 16 shots off goal and 9 on goal including two goals. United's shooting percentage on their own goal was, unfortunately, significantly higher." (www.matchanalysis.com, April 29)

1. "Don't let anyone who voluntarily lives in Indiana tell you about taste." (M.G., June 3)

July 1
I am ashamed: I grew up in Fox Point, Wisconsin, a wealthy suburb of Milwaukee, during the 60's and 70's. I am glad I do not live there now as the oppressive yuppy safety Nazis have lost all sense of perspective. When I was a kid, we used to imitate Evel Knievel by jumping bikes over our friends. Without pads. Without helmets. Without a freaking rescue squad and fire truck on emergency standby. Without oppressive parental supervision. Just kids being kids, and we all managed to make it into our teens with our brain cells intact -- where we immediately began destroying them with all the chemicals the 70's had to offer. Which might explain why my former contemporaries are now invoking the heavy hand of modern American "justice" by mandating that everyone's kids -- not just their own snivelling, limp-wristed, pantywaist, crybaby crumb snatchers -- must wear helmets while riding bikes. Not a Kawasaki crotch rocket weaving through rush hour traffic at 150 miles per hour, but pedaling bicycles along bucolic suburb sidewalks at 5 miles per hour. When a heart starts bleeding, there is little that can be done to stem the loss of blood, and so given the inch, the addled yuppy safety Nazis are going for the foot. (And eventually, I am sure, the yard, the mile and the light freaking year.) The Fox Point-Bayside Area School Board recently voted unanimously to require that all scholastic soccer players wear a "protective soccer headband", specifically a product called "Headers", which supposedly does not effect the velocity or direction of the ball. Jeff Carron said, "As a doctor and president of our school board, I felt it was my responsibility to be proactive with regard to protecting children." For the children. It takes a village. It makes me gag. Goddamn Hillary Clinton.

July 15
Dodgy MLS Deal of the Week: The teeny bopper baby sitter boning half of the RevoEarthClashLution traded Ivan McKinley, useful midfielder and South African international, for Miami's Eric Wynalda, gimp. McKinley has started 12 matches this year to six for Whinealda, who hasn't played since April. McKinley also makes about half what Whinealda makes, so it's hard to see what New England gets out of the deal unless übermidget Sunil Gulati gets Czar Ivan 'the Terrible' Gazidis to wrap his wet, succulent lips around Sunil's swami salami.

Now will you admit it? It appears Oldfart Matthãus may be on his way out of the Big Apple after the MetroStars spotted MLS's one-time record signing lounging on the topless beaches of the French Riviera with his prepubescent girlfriend. Not because she's half his age, but because Oldfart had demanded, after a brief post-Euro 2000 appreance in America, that the MetroStars let him return to Germany (again) to treat his bad back. Maybe Oldfart should let Maren get on top next time?

Barry Switzer Syndrome: A crappy new coach taking over a previous good coach's players and coasting to an undeserved title in his first year, only to eventually screw things up. Named after the former pointyball coach of the Dallas Cowboys, and used often in 2000 in connection with DC United's Thomas Rongen.

July 22
Maradona: "Hell's a nice place to visit, so I booked an eternity there." Apparently not content with spending an Earthly hell addicted to drugs, after taking Vicodin ... oops, visiting the Vatican ... Diego Maradona called His Holiness, Pope John Paul II, a "son of a bitch".* Maradona's pilgrimage to Hell will continue with stops in Calcutta, where he will finally consume the nice, juicy steak he requested while recuperating from his New Year's cocaine binge, Mecca, where he will chase skirts and drink like a sieve, and Jerusalem, where he will host a pig pickin' at the Wailing Wall, before concluding with a 10 match stint in MLS.

The more things change, the more they remain the same: "... Phillies coach A.A. Irwin -- yes, he coached both the baseball and soccer teams -- decided he needed some help, and signed former Sunderland fullback Davy Wilson. Before even arriving to America, Wilson was named the new captain of the team. However, he did not arrive in time to participate in the Phillies' second match, which found them losing again to New York, 5:2. Weightman scored the first two goals in Phillies history. It wasn't until their fourth match that the Phillies finally nabbed a win, defeating the Washington Senators, 2:1, in spite of the loss of Davy Wilson to injury." (Stephen J. Holroyd, TotW Historian, hearkening back to the first known instance of an ignorant American blowing a huge wad of cash on an aging, attitudinal European footballer ... in 1894.)

July 29
Close-ups: Just say "No!": You! Yes, you, ESPN. Especially you! What is up with this sick American sports broadcasting fetish with anything and everything but the actual goddamn contest notionally being broadcast!? Mark my words, the Olympics©®™ in a month -- or whenever it is, I sure won't fucking watch 200 billion hours of pre-pubescent girls in leotards prancing about like beauty queens without boobs -- will be 95% sappy, syrupy "human interest" stories. During the USA-Costa Rica match, I saw beautiful mountain vistas, countless coach ups so close I could count noise hairs, more replays than the Zapruder film, and everything but the friggin' match! Show the goddamn game! Okay? It's not that freakin' difficult.

Appendix of the Week: Eddie Lewis, because he was worthless in the Costa Rica match, being a non-factor until he started hurting the US effort. Just like your appendix serves no known purpose, and you don't notice it until gives you a pain in the gut. Eddie Lewis wouldn't shoot if a terrorist had a gun to his momma's head. If he was Mel Gibson in "Road Warrior", he would have let the nomads kill Wolf Boy, rape the viking chick, steal all the fuel, and then drive back into the desert, before he dropped his gun, pissed myself, and looked around, bewildered, for someone else to take a shot at the settling dust.

This is not a joke: Oldfart Matthãus is an MLS "all-star". (The all-star boondoggle incongruously pits eastern teams versus western teams in a league with three divisions.) Yes, the same Oldfart who has been addition by subtraction to the league-leading MetroStars. The same Oldfart who was nearly booted off the MetroStars while spotted sunning on the topless beaches of the French Riviera with his teeny-bopper girlfriend when he was supposed to have been rehabbing a bad back. Oldfart Superstar. But wait, it gets worse. Even worse than the idiocy perpetrated by fans voting for players who've been missing most of the season (Oldfart), or more ineffective than a ventilated condom (Azzizi). At least Major Laughing Stock has not been around long enough to perpetrate a farce like baseball does every year, voting players as all-stars who've been retired for two years, or like the Grammys, giving awards for three-year old records. But wait, it does get worse. "What could be worse?" you say. Think about it. It shouldn't take long. What is the biggest farce in the long and sordid history of MLS player transaction farces? Yes, MLS looting LA Galaxy's roster in return for forcing Sigi Schmid to accept the dubious services of Luis 'el Mierdador' Hernandez. Naturally, el Mierdador is a MLS all-star. No, not even the fans are that stupid. It's not a matter of stupidity, but of duplicity. Of course, that means MLS itself -- specifically Prãsident Don Garber, using something called a "commissioner's pick" -- put its biggest signing into its unwatched, ill-attended all-star showcase. Garber, by the way, used his other pick on Brian McBride, who has been injured most of the season. Despite the fact that the acquisition of Hernandez was indefensible from the beginning, and proven since to be worth nothing to the league at the gate or on the pitch -- el Mierdador's total in 15 matches? 2 goals, 3 assists -- Garber persists in in trying to prove the unprovable: That Hernandez is not a mistake. Oh, by the way, we should mention that Hernandez probably will move to Europe or back to Mexico in 2001. Was he really worth destroying Major Laughing Stock's last shred of credibility? No.

August 12
Taking the bullshit by the horns: Luis 'el Mierdador' Hernandez, proved himself worthy of his last minute selection to the MLS all-star match by repeating the heroic regular season performance that earned him the coveted "Commisioner's Pick". In a match that featured 13(!) goals, el Mierdador accounted for ... none of them. By the way, where was el Mierdador this week while his teammates were barely managing a draw against 10-man Kansas City?

	Fabien Barthez Man U / France keeper
Separated at Birth?
	Kazoo pre-historic space traveller

August 19
Unintended Consequence of the Week: The Major Laughing Stock trade deadline passed this week with nary a peep regarding teams taking it upon themselves to improve their lot. Not a single player was allocated, drafted, dispersed or traded. "No last-minute trades are expected among teams this season unlike the past two years where there was a buzz of activity leading up to the halt in trading," wrote Major Laughing Stock on its web wite. And why is that? Because MLS teams know they don't need to make trades because the league will force the trades on them anyway.

August 26
UEFA draw blind: UEFA drew the groups for the 2001 Champions League in Monaco this week. (Ever notice how UEFA and FIFA and their ilk always have their to-dos in exotic cities like Paris, Rome and Monaco and never in grimey, industrial, port cities with teeming masses of poor, unkempt immigrant types?) In its finite wisdom, UEFA managed to draw Leeds into the same group as Besiktas. Your heart will warm at the news that not only is Besiktas a Turkish club, but is also located in Istanbul, where two Leeds supporters were murdered, and dozens of others seriously injured, last spring prior to a Champions League match against Galatasaray. UEFA: The kind of people that give matches to arsonists and razor blades to manic-depressives.

Really Big Word of the Year
(aka, the Kenn Tomasch Trophy)

14. pene derecho: Spanish for 'erection'. (April 15)

13. Gotterdammerung: German for 'Twilight of the Gods'. (August 26)

12. servile: Abjectly submissive; slavish. (April 1)

11. seppuku: Japanese ritual suicide; disembowelment followed by decapitation. (September 30)

10. penumbra: An area in which something exists to a lesser or an uncertain degree. (March 11)

9. predilection: A partiality or disposition in favor of something; a preference. (July 15)

8. Capo di tutti Capi: Italian for 'boss of bosses'; the Godfather. (April 15)

7. rapine: The act of plundering; the seizing and carrying away of things by force; spoliation; pillage; plunder. (January 8)

6. de rigueur: Required by the current fashion or custom; socially obligatory. (October 28)

5. apologia: A formal written defense or justification of a strongly held belief. (September 30)

4. foie gras: A pâte made from goose liver (marinated in cognac) and truffles. (October 21)

3. opprobriation: Scorn, hatred. This word is so big, you can't even find it on www.dictionary.com! (June 24)

2. picoscopic: Whereas 'micro' is a millionth, and 'pico' is a trillionth (or a millionth of a millionth), then that which is picoscopic is infinitesimally smaller than something which is microscopic. In other words, it's really, really small. Brand new big word. (December 16)

1. cranial-rectal infarction: From 'cranial' (of or relating to the skull), 'rectal' (of or pertaining to the rectum), and 'infarction' (the act of stuffing or filling; an overloading and obstruction of any organ or vessel of the body). Literally having your head up your ass. Another brand new big word. (May 13)

September 9
Keep me away from weapons: Does it irritate anyone else to no end that some morons insist on using the phrase "the MLS"? The MLS what? The letters M, L and S collectively are a noun. Using the word "the" implies some sort of posession. Or something like that. It just sounds stupid. And while I am at it, what else is the freaking deal with pluralizing names? "The Luis Hernandez's and Clint Mathis's of the league ..." Last I checked there's only one of each. Not even Major Laughing Stock is so depraved as to clone el Mierdador. Inevitably it is the same oatmeal mouth that also uses the present tense when referring to events that have already occured: "If United fires Rongen in the middle of the season, they get in the playoffs." Or should have occured. Use the correct tense, or I'm going to shove it up your ass and twist it sideways! The next knob that says "the MLS", I'm going postal.

Fun Fact of the Week: The Major Laughing Stock minimum salary ($24,000) is less then the WNBA women's basketball minimum salary ($32,500).

September 16

Diego Maradona's totalled SUV

Who died? Does anyone watching ESPN's "MLS ExtraTime" get the feeling it is filmed in a funeral home? Dark sets. Dark clothes. Dim lighting. Rob Stone's shiney teeth floating ghost-like in the gloom.

Hairy Sphincters of the Week: The cheating, lying, thieving rich bastards from Cedarburg, my town's tres chic next door neighbor -- think Martha's Vineyard without Teddy Kennedy or water -- for trying to win our O-30 match by cheating, lying and thieving. And they do it every freaking match. (See TotW #27, "Turd of the Week") Hey! Your kids suck too.

September 23
Idiot of the Week: Clive Charles for failing to start Landon Donovan in the Olympics©®™. Donovan has come further, faster, than any other American soccer player in the last 50 years. The 18-year old Donovan had 35 goals and 16 assists in just 41 matches at the U-17 level, earning the Golden Ball at the U-17 World Cup in 1999, and already has 6 goals in 9 matches at the U-20 level. He has even been called up to the senior US men's team (though even Bruce Arena has yet to turn to him to solve the United State's scoring woes), and is in the first team at Bundesliga power Bayer Leverkusen. Instead, Charles, in fine British tradition, started a clodhopper -- Conor Casey -- his butt-buddy from the University of Portland. (Where? Exactly.) Though Casey got an assist in the opening 2:2 draw with Czech Republic, he missed several chances to notch the winner. Naturally, Casey was rewarded with another start in the second match, against Cameroon, with whom the US also drew, 1:1, and against which Casey missed another sitter. "If I was going to put [Donovan] on up front I'd have to put him on for Josh Wolff because we needed a big guy up there, Conor, as a target," quoth Charles. Casey might be a target, but he couldn't hit one. Landon Donovan is the bright shining star in the American soccer universe, unfortunately sucked into the black hole that is coaching ego and tactical obsession. Of course Casey got the start in the decisive third match against Kuwait. But in the 30th minute, with the score level 0:0, the light clicked on in the dim recesses of Charles's skull, and Donovan was substituted for Casey. The US finally won a match, 3:1. Care to guess who scored the decisive third goal that won the group on goal difference for the US? Yep. Donovan. Though the US has never advanced past the group phase in the Olympics©®™ -- which would normally be cause for hero status for all involved -- the fact that the US struggled despite having the best young talent in its history is cause for grave concern. It shouldn't be that way. Yes, there are many soccer countries better than ours, but there are few countries with better young players. That's the reason the US did so well at the U-17 World Cup. At the Olympics©®™, nothing less than making the medal round will do.

Our shit don't stink: Is there a coach in the world who does not believe that his best laid plans are perfect: His tactics, his player selections, his choice of matchday dress? Does it ever occur to these morons that the reason they lose is because the slow, spastic hacks they deploy are unable to play the game? So, this week saw Pat Byrne resign from Kilkenny City in Ireland. Byrne claimed that referees made it difficult for him to continue coaching because the referees were unable "to see eye-to-eye with me this season." There you have it: He had to quit because referees wouldn't kiss his rosy red asshole, deferring to him with all the pomp & majesty his high station at Kilkenny City deserved.

September 30
Neutral venue not so neutral: UEFA tried to fix its cup competition by switching Red Star Belgrade's second leg home fixture against Leicester City to "neutral" Vienna due to concerns over the "unstable political situation" in Yugoslavia -- a situation not stabilized by the machinations and ominous statements of Europe's governments. Having undergone five years of random bombings, it is understandable then that Red Star's supporters would make neutral Vienna not so neutral, and exact a small measure of revenge, 11,000 of them bombarding Leicester's 1,500 supporters with flares. Still, it was not a Harrier or Stealth bomber wiping out a bus full of refugees.

Some people never learn: We speak, of course, of Clive Charles, US men's Olympic©®™ coach. The US played its fifth match of the Olympics©®™ and, of course, Conor Casey -- a slow, awkward, lumbering oaf of a 'striker' -- got his fifth start. Need we even mention that he played the whole 90? (In his one lucid moment of the Olympics©®™, Charles, realizing Casey couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with a battery of artillery, did not call on Casey to take a tiebreaking kick against Japan in the quarterfinals, the US duly advancing 5:4 as a result.) Unfortunately, America's semifinal opponent was Spain: a side always overflowing with quality, but prone to losing when it shouldn't. Definitely not unbeatable. Well, unless you have Conor Casey in your side. So, the U.S. lost 1:3. Granted, Casey isn't a defender, but he isn't a forward either. Landon Donovan? Substituted in for a defender in the 38th minute, with the US trailing 0:2.

Turd of the Week: The apologia were flying fast and furious this week among the Charles groupies: "Maybe Clive doesn't make the best selections, and maybe Clive doesn't have a firm grip on tactics, but he took the men's team further than any other in US Olympic©®™ history, plus gosh darn it, his players really like him." The problem with positively affirming effort and intent is that cold, hard reality has a way of eventually kicking you in the teeth. Reality in this case was the right foot of Inter Milan striker Ivan Zamorano. 0:2 the final. Bronze to Chile, jack squat to the US. No medals, but lots of warm feelings all around. Big whoop. With the talent the US has, making the medal round was the least we should have accomplished, afterall that was what we accomplished in the U-17 World Cup last year. That was a team that featured the likes of Bobby Convey (DC United), Kyle Beckerman (Miami Fusion) and Landon Donovan (Bayer Leverkusen), and not Conor Casey, that double-left footed klutz from the University of Portland. Is it any wonder that a third-rate school laboring under the leaden umbrella of the Nazi Colleges Against Athletes -- an organization which limits the number of games its indentured servants may participate in (when those games are not lining the silken pockets of the NCAA or its overseers, the univerisity presidents) -- would produce such an obviously defective product? No, unless you are Clive Charles. A year later, and with much first team experience under their belt, no less than the medal round should have been accomplished, except for one small problem: Only one of those U-17 players made the Olympic©®™ team. So, Donovan started right? No. But he did play lots of minutes, right? No. Instead of taking a bow on the world stage, that forlorn figure waving weakly from the end of the US bench is Landon Donovan. You might remember him scoring all those goals against world class youth competition the past two years, but Clive Charles didn't until the US was trailing 0:1 in the 82nd minute. (And even then, Donovan was substituted for a defender, not the stone-cold statue up front.)

Quote of the Year
(As voted on by TotW's editorial staff)

10. "Two severaly limited referees do not add up to one qualified referee. Can you imagine the number of whistles per match? The pitch will trill like a drum major in a marching band." (W.J. Marx, BigSoccer.Com, January 8)

9. "For starters, every time English teams go abroad, Hooligan Hysteria sets in. The local media whips itself into a curdled frenzy, to the point where, if everything goes smoothly, it is almost disappointed ... It's more fun (and a better story) to depict English fans as an invading army of shaven-headed, tattooed, beer-guzzling louts whose sole purpose is to break windows, defile women and vomit over national landmarks ... It matters little that, apart from a few morons stuck in 1977, most English traveling supporters today are as innocuous as Japanese tourists." (Gabriele Marcotti, CNNSI.com, June 10)

8. "Better to have ten disorganized players than ten organized runners." (Roberto Baggio, May 13)

7. "I'm Jesus Gil, not Jesus Christ." (Newly-reinstated Atletico Madrid president Jesus Gil, admitting that even he might not be able to save his struggling club from relegation, April 22)

6. "Someone said to me, 'You Italian fucking bastard.' I know I am Italian, they do not have to tell me." (Paolo Di Canio discussing geneology with a Sheffield Wednesday supporter, April 1)

5. "Let's not blame the referees -- it's a team loss." (Hristo Stoitchkov after Chicago Fire lost the MLS Cup final.) Who says the man isn't class? (October 21)

4. "The coach should keep out of the way ... He is an important figure, of course, but is more likely to lose a match than win it. Matches are won by players." (Romario, October 14)

3. "Sure, the league may have plundered the depth of this team like a frat boy at the Tri Delt Christmas formal, but I am confident all those new fans can act as the burro L.A. rides to the semifinal fiesta. At least the ones that are still around after Luis Hernandez misses his 10th game to check on his wife and their kids. Or to see his hairstylist back in Monterrey where he really gets fuller body and better tones. Or because his shoulder hurts." (Garth Lagerwey, Miami keeper, regarding the LA Galaxy, June 24)

2. "I just can't wait for April 1 to see Chris Albright run past Oldthar like Bill past Hillary on new intern day!" (Anthony, BigSoccer.com, March 4)

1. "Landon, you were 10 seconds away from getting on the field tonight." (Clive Charles after the US drew with Cameroon, September 23)

October 14
A funny thing happened on the way to MLS Cup ... Neither Los Angeles, the team looted by MLS in return for acquiring the dubious 'services' of Luis 'el Mierdador' Hernandez, nor the MetroStars, the pawnshop who laundered the ill-gotten gains, made the Cup final. The MetroStars -- MLS personnel Czar Ivan 'the Terrible' Gazidis's pet team -- put on a better showing than Los Angeles in the other semi, as they should have, but still fell in three matches to Chicago. "All of these calls are very close, but if a call or two would have gone our way, it would have been a different story," said MetroStars coach Octavio Zambrano after the loss. I swear to Christ I am sick and tired of coaches and players wheeling out that lame excuse like a senile grandparent on the 4th of July. Coulda, woulda and shoulda don't mean shit. You know what, Octavio? If a few more calls had gone against you, you would have lost even worse. Chicago dare not win the final, lest they have Maradona foisted on them in return for 'trading' Armas, Wolff and Stoitchkov to the MetroStars. For failing to fulfill their official MLS-mandated destiny: MetroStars, Turd of the Week.

Compare & Contrast

• "I'd like the job for the next 10 years." (Kevin Keegan, prior to Euro 2000)

• "I feel I fall short of what is required in this massive job." (Kevin Keegan after losing 0:1 to Germany in England's first WC'02 qualifier.)

October 21
Excuses are like assholes -- everybody has one: When Turd Emeritus Doug 'the Centrifuge' Logan spun that 1999 was the "Year of No Excuses", it was just PR crap. Though MLS's on-field product has continued to improve -- especially with the rule changes implemented by then new MLS grand poobah Don Garber -- off field, MLS hangs on a precipice. Investors have pulled out (Warburg-Pincus in DC and the Krafts in San Jose), practice facilities have been lost (DC United), attendance is falling (everywhere), the TV deal is in imminent danger, and integrity is non-existant. 2001 really will be the Year of No Excuses: MLS has a gun to its head in a five-bullet game of Russian Roulette.

Stupid Ass Statement of the Week: "The Heisman is the most important trophy in sports." (Stupid ass ESPN Radio announcer, 10/17/00)

Weah quits Man City: How did I just know when I saw the title of this thread on BigSoccer.com that it would be another "Let's sign some washed up old foreign guy for massive bucks while ignoring the player distribution rules to the benefit of the league's favorite team this week while compromising our last shreads of integrity" thread?

Dumbass Question of the Week: "MLS or Europe, where would you rather play?" (Actually, Soccer America poses this dumbass question every week to an elite college player.) In Europe, of course! Where else? The only question is whether or not the player can get any minutes at all playing for European team. If he can, then there is no question where he will go -- even being a bench warmer for a second division team in Europe will pay better than being a rookie starter in MLS. (This week's answer: "Europe, the standard is higher. They get more money too.") If he can't get the minutes, then he will play in MLS until he can get European attention and then flee like a rat off a sinking ship.

South Brunswick (New Jersey): A brawl erupted during a match between Staten Island and Hunterdon County. Tensions were running high as the highly anticipated derby had resulted in a regulation time draw. During the shootout, the Staten Island coach complained about the Hunterdon County coach leaving his technical area. The verbal dispute led to punches, with the supporters quickly getting stuck in. Even after police separated the warring factions, they continued to shout threats at each other. The players just stood around, bewildered. They probably cried too, and may have even peed themselves, because the match was between 8-year olds. In the great scheme of things -- when people are being murdered, robbed and raped, by uncountable thousands, around the world every day -- there is not a single thing that happens in a sporting event that really, truly matters. Not even when it's the World Cup. Bottom line, regardless of level, it's just a stupid game. That's the complete lack of perspective that is most glaring in guilt-ridden, over-protective yuppy parents who think their kids' shit don't stink.

Hero of the Year
(As voted on by TotW's editorial staff)

Honorable mentions: Spain forward Alfonso for his performance at Euro 2000 (June 24), France defender Laurent Blanc for his performance at Euro 2000 (July 15), Paraguay for handing Brazil it's second ever World Cup qualifying loss (July 22) and Hristo Stoitchkov for not blaming the refs after the Fire lost the MLS Cup final (October 21).

5. Landon Donovan: For his performance in the friendly against Mexico. Donovan merely did what Donovan has always done: Score goals and setup goals. His 53rd minute goal was brilliant: Donovan ran onto a perfectly placed Clint Mathis through ball, juked the keeper to create space for myself, and then did what few Americans seem to be able to do, put the ball into the net rather than 20 yards over it. All that from a player who in Clive Charles' Olympic©®™ team only got to see the field when he was selling peanuts in the stands. (October 28)

4. Connecticut Wolves: For actually encouraging their fans to provide aural support, rather than playing the one billionth blaring, feedback-distorted rendition of "YMCA". Not only that, but they provide drums to the fans, and offer prizes to the fans who write the best songs! (May 27)

3. Lower Division US Teams: Richmond Kickers, Chicago Sockers, the amateurs of FC Uruguay, and especially Mid-Michigan Bucks for their Open Cup runs against Major Laughing Stock's finest. MLS disrespected the Open Cup and their lower division opponents by not taking it seriously, thinking they could walk in, fart, and win. (June 17, July 29)

2. Calais: For giving 1st division Nantes the scare of their lives in the French Cup final before succumbing 1:2. The 4th division amateurs led 1:0 until the 50th minute, and still clung to a 1:1 draw in the 90th minute, when cheating bastard Alain Caveglia dove in the area, earning Nantes a penalty, which they duly converted for the win. (May 13)

1. Kalin Bankov: For putting family and freedom before money. "It was a difficult decision to come to America. I passed up big money offers to play in China," said the Tampa Bay Mutiny defender and Bulgarian international. "But because of the communism there I could not bring my family. I've made my decision now to be here forever. This country is best for me and my family." (April 1)

November 11
The Minnesota Timberwolves were caught red-handed cheating on the NBA's salary cap in negotiating two contracts with Joe Smith (one public, that was sent to the NBA offices and one private that was intended to be undisclosed). As a result, not only has Joe Smith's contract been voided, but the T-wolves have lost five first-round draft-picks. This, in essence, relegates them to the status of also-rans for a significant period of time, perhaps a decade. The punishment was severe for a number of reasons, but one of the biggest was that by circumventing the salary cap, the T-wolves would have gained an unfair advantage over the other teams in the league, calling into question the fundamental essence of sport -- that all teams are competing on a level playing field. The contrast with MLS, where the league office actively facilitates and encourages such cheating to directly impact the standings table, could not be greater and points out everything I believe is wrong with the way the league is currently run. MLS appears to be alone in the entire sporting world in believing that you can undercut fair and transparent competition without undercutting the credibility of the sport and the league. (Soccernethost)

This is no joke: No, this item is not about sheep -- Why do Scots wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away. -- but about money, and how tight Scots are percieved to be with the coin of the realm. Proving that every stereotype has at least some basis in fact, is the Scotland FA, who will hold on to the real trophy after the FA Cup, while the winners will have to make do with a replica.

December 9
You don't say! In an AFP article titled "Fund-raising efforts for new Wembley facility hit snag", it was revealed that the agency charged with building McWembley may fall a few shillings short of the £410 million still needed to build the Golden Arches franchise. It seems Michael Constant, the knee-breaker for the robber barons at Chase Manhattan (McWembley's chief financier), is having a hard time persuading the City of London to steal from orphans. As a result, the destruction of the legendary Twin Towers has been mercifully indefinitely delayed. Naturally, the £660 million price tag touted as McWembley's really, truly finally final price is not the full cost -- oh, no! Barring the inevitable overages, and including the Cost That Dare Not Speak It's Name (interest), McWembley will run a hefty £1.035 billion -- or roughly 500 million Big Macs. "It is very hard for a bank to reach a deal with us," said Constant, "when they are reading so many things about the whole scheme." Like the truth?

He went that away! Mike Petke returned to Major Laughing Stock after an the tryout of a lifetime with Bayern München was aborted by MLS. Petke, making $30,000 a year -- or what Roy Keane makes in 45 minutes -- had his chain yanked for being in violation of his contract. Of course the overseers in MLS IQ 40 'braintrust' make tons more, though we'll never know exactly how much because as Soccer Times Robert Wagman once noted, "If there is one thing reporters have learned over the past four years it is that it is much easier to get straight answers out of the Kremlin and the CIA, than out of MLS offices." What clause in his contract Petke may have been violating is equally fuzzy, though rumor has it personnel Czar Ivan 'the Terrible' Gazidis was jealous that Lothar was winning the young defender's affections. Meanwhile, MLS's halo-wearing shysters were before a judge claiming that MLS honest-to-God, cross our hearts and hope to die, poke a needle in our eyes, wasn't running slave trade in players because they gave a midget Mexican keeper two Ferrari's while most of the league's players have to make do with duct-taped Pinto's.

December 16

"You deserve the award more than I do." "No, you deserve it. I insist."

The fetid downstream soccer watershed continues to be polluted by the effluence generated by last year's Turd Emeritus inductee, Charlie Stillitano. And the Turd of the Year nominees are:

Ivan Gazidis: As the person in charge of MLS personnel -- including signings, sales, salary negotiations & allocations -- Czar Ivan is responsible for the greatest loss of prestige by a US sport since the Black Sox scandal in 1919. It was his efforts on behalf of Stillitano's former team -- the MetroStars -- that saw Czar Ivan twice dishonored as Turd of the Week. He was also instrumental in the dishonors accorded to Don Garber, Metros Fans Who Love Oldfart, and the MetroStars themselves. Thanx to his efforts, MLS is not the fifth major league in the United States, the WWF is.

Diego Maradona: Twice dishonored in 2000, Maradona was also involved in numerous other unsavory incidences, including insulting the Pope and Pele (and we're not sure which is worse), to not reporting for the coaching gig he miraculously received, to crashing his SUV.

Nicolas Anelka: On the fast track to nowhere, or becoming the next Maradona (take your pick), Anelka's attitude and mysterious ailments saw him out of Real Madrid less than a year after his English-record transfer from Arsenal. A French record transfer to Paris St. Germain followed, after which naturally followed more mysterious ailments and PSG's horrible Marseilles-like loss of form. When you look up 'cancer' in the dictionary, it's his picture you'll find.

Conor Casey: US U-23 'striker' who bagged a grand total of one assist, while starting all six US Olympic©®™ matches (playing 510 of 570 minutes). But it's not Clive Junior's fault he was put in a situation that was beyond his meager experience and abilities.

Clive Charles: Clive Senior put Junior in that situation, and for that he bears ultimate responsibility for the US Olympic©®™ failure. With all our talent, making the semifinals was the least that Senior should have accomplished. We should have medalled. But with the best young player in the world sitting on his ass collecting 'experience', we didn't. Still, Senior did not fuck up as bad as Turd Emeritus Steve Sampson did at France'98.

Turkish Supporters: Though English hooligans were getting the blame for everything from riots to global warming, Turkish hooligans committed greater acts of violence, more often, across a larger swath of the globe: Switzerland, Holland, Belgium, Denmark, and of course Turkey itself where when they weren't busy killing each other in celebration of some victory or another, they were killing Leeds supporters.

And the winner is ...

Ivan Gazidis

Turd of the Year

TotW 2000 Archive

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