Turd of the Year
1999 Year-In-Review

MLS is not the only organization festooning America's 1st division players and pencil-pushers with more awards than a Russian general. Year-end awards are breaking out like zits on a Backstreet Boy! TotW does not want to be labelled a Scrooge for naysaying the festive holiday spirit, so pull your easy chair up to the fire, put on another log, put another splash of rum in the egg nog, put on your scratchy old album of Bing Crosby yuletide tunes, and prepare to have your belly jiggle like a bowl full of jelly. Or just like Gazza's belly.

990122
TotW Loses Cherry: Our Very First Rant Ever

    Biennial World Cup gains support of U.S. president Contiguglia

    > NEW YORK (Thursday, January 21, 1999) -- Hoping to have the United States host
    > the World Cup again as soon as possible, U.S. Soccer Federation president Bob
    > Contiguglia has announced his support of a plan to have the quadrennial
    > tournament held every two years. 

In addition to being Turd of the Week, Dr. Bob needs to get a new eyeglass prescription to cure his obvious short-sightedness, and see an EENT (eyes, ears, nose, throat) specialist to put his nose back in joint after he dislocated it shoving it up Sepp Blatter's butt. (990122)

990305
"Cable Monopolies Suck" Rant

Buccaneer of the Week goes to the money-grubbing, anti-competitive monopolists at mega-media outlet Time-Warner. For $35/month (basic charge!) my 100+ channel capacity TV is half empty of any channels whatsoever, and six of the remaining channels stand practically devoid of content (blue screen with some logo at the top) because they are devoted to government usage by two of the smallest suburbs in the county! Out of the dozens of sports channels that are available, I get a grand total of -- have a seat -- two! And we all know how eager ESPN is to preempt its dog shows, billiards, cheerleading and strongest man shows for a wee bit of the footie, don't we? So Tuesday, newly empowered by my hard-won knowledge of how to program a VCR, I scheduled to record English Premier League soccer on some new channel called Midwest Sports Channel (MSC). I notice that they seem to carry a game or two of soccer each week, so I figure this is a good test ground for taping a Champions League game on Wednesday. I get home and am delighted to find that my VCR actually recorded. Of course, Time-Warner being the buccaneers that they are didn't actually have anything on that channel at that time -- just a blue screen. What do they want, me to pay even more for the privilege of getting another sports channel that is 95% crap? Just bend me over and slip me the big bologna ...

990305
Debbie Keller Rant

    > Despite invitation to camp, Keller files for arbitration of USSF compliant
    > 
    > WASHINGTON, D.C, (Friday, February 26, 1999) -- Forward Debbie Keller, not 
    > invited to the United States women’s residency camp in January despite 
    > being the team’s second leading goal-scorer last year, filed a complaint 
    > with the American Arbitration Association today, seeking to be restored to 
    > the roster. 

990416
Standard "Sports Journalists Are All Baseball Geeks" Rant

... every sports reporter is at heart a baseball geek. Not just a baseball fan, but a geek. Oh sure, sports journalists will report extensively on other 'major' sports like football, but deep down in their heart of hearts they are baseball geeks. A geek in the same way that Trekkies are Star Trek geeks. It's what they live & breath and all they think & dream about. They even look alike: fat, pasty-skinned, poor grooming habits, unathletic, never get laid. In other words, like Paul Gascoigne. If another sport even crosses the sports journalist hive conciousness, it is basketball -- which also has its fair share of sports journalist geeks. (But at least Marv Albert gets laid, even if he has to wear women's undies to do it.)

990807
Standard "Change Must Begin at the Top" Rant

Incompetence in an organization is a top-down problem. It does no good to fire incompetent middle managers: an incompetent senior manager will just hire more incompetent middle managers, who will hire more incompetent employees. The only way to end the cycle of incompetence is to hire a decent senior manager. If the owner is incompetent, then you are truly screwed. What owner is going to ever fire himself? Because his shit don't stink.

990904
Gob of the Week

Charleston Battery forward Ivailo Ilarionov is currently sitting out three A-League matches (though not the US Open Cup semifinal). It's the result of a big misunderstanding. You see, we got these big alien critter mosquitos down here (pronounced as a 2 syllable word, "He-aw" by US Senator Strom Thrumond) and Ivo noticed an opponent with one these mutants firmly latched onto his eyebrow. Being a courteous young man from the old country (Bulgaria), he thought the sporting thing to do would be to remove it. However, knowing that swatting at it would appear as if he were throwing a punch, he did the next best thing -- he spat on it. Well, I think you get the picture. He figured since he wasn't in Italy or South America, people would understand it wasn't an insult. But alas, the refs blew another call and showed him the big red one. (Jim Gregory, TotW Bribe Taker)

"Two Blind Referees Are Still Blind" Rants

One Crap Ref
A bad (.50)       =  .50 (.50) +.50
A good (.50)      =  .50 (.50) +.00
Total               1.00       +.50
50% chance of bad call

Two Crap Refs
A bad (.50), B good (.50)  =  .25 (.50x.50) +.25
A good (.50), B bad (.50)  =  .25 (.50x.50) +.25
A bad (.50), B bad (.50)   =  .25 (.50x.50) +.25
A good (.50), B good (.50) =  .25 (.50x.50) +.00
Total                        1.00           +.75
75% chance of bad call

One Insightful Ref
A bad (.40)       =  .10 (.10) +.10
A good (.60)      =  .90 (.90) +.00
Total               1.00       +.10
10% chance of blowing bad call

Two Insightful Refs
A bad (.10), B good (.90)  =  .09 (.10x.90) +.09
A good (.90), B bad (.10)  =  .09 (.90x.10) +.09
A bad (.10), B bad (.10)   =  .01 (.10x.10) +.01
A good (.90), B good (.90) =  .81 (.90x.90) +.00
Total                        1.00           +.19
19% chance of  bad call

One God-Like Ref
A bad (.01)       =  .01 (.01) +.01
A good (.99)      =  .99 (.99) +.00
Total               1.00       +.01
1.00% chance of  bad call

Two God-Like Refs
A bad (.01), B good (.99)  =  .0099 (.01x.99) +.0099
A good (.99), B bad (.01)  =  .0099 (.99x.01) +.0099
A bad (.01), B bad (.01)   =  .0001 (.01x.01) +.0001
A good (.99), B good (.99) =  .8100 (.99x.99) +.0000
Total                        1.0000           +.0199
1.99% chance of  bad call

990528: Count Soccer America columnist Mike Woitalla among the apostate. In a piece titled "Bring on the second ref", Woitalla reminds us that Norway, Brazil and Trinidad & Tobago will kiss FIFA's vast derriere by experimenting with the two-referee system next season. Then Woitalla rubs our face in it, like a puppy's nose in a misplaced poop:

"Currently, the ref and two linesmen must keep track of 22 players. A ridiculous ratio. No other major sport places such a large burden on so few." That's because no other sport is as player-oriented as soccer, which, if the referee gives the appropriate amount of extra time, fills its entire allotment of game time with actual play, and takes only 33% more than game time to complete. Compare that to a referee-oriented sport, such as American gridball, which 60 minutes consists of maybe 15 minutes of actual play, and which takes 200-250% more than actual game time to complete. Is that really what we want soccer to become?

"Plus, the linesmen are outside the field of play and must concentrate on offside. Players away from the ball, the ref's obvious focus, can push, shove and grab each other. That they do. Just watch the goalmouth before a cross." Which is what the referee should be watching. Is another referee, stationed in the other half and at least 35 yards away, going to be able to see that push or grab any better than the attacking zone referee who is only 5 or 10 yards away? Not without a telescope! Furthermore, one of the beauties of soccer is the discretion it gives to referee to call, or not call, fouls. If a foul occurs away from the play, or otherwise does not affect play, or the offended team has an advantage that calling the foul would deny, the referee can play on. Again, compare this to American gridball which oft times punishes the offended team by its numerous referees competing to see who has the itchiest trigger finger and can blow a play dead before the offended team can fully develop its advantage.

"The referee must run more than players. With a two-ref system, FIFA could abolish its absurd mandatory retirement age of 45. When we find a good ref, let's keep him as long as possible." Until he really is blind, hunched over with the rheumatize, and needs to change his Depends at the half like your typical NFL referee? This illustrates, yet again, the Law of Unintended Consequences: Because we allow refs to remain past their optimum age, they can no longer run as fast or as far, therefore, we need more refs to cover the same amount of field. But those extra refs are sure to cause other problems, which will then need to be 'fixed' by yet further changes. And those changes will need to be fixed, and so on, until the sport is no longer recognizable as what it once was. You know, American gridball was once soccer. The Law of Unintended Consequences is how it became what it is today.

"Many of you have played in the two-ref system -- it's common at the high school level -- and remember incidents of a ref 10 yards from the action keeping his whistle down while the one 50 yards away makes the call. That's why FIFA should have been more precise in its parameters, which don't assign specific areas to each referee nor give one referee seniority." Shootings seem to be fairly common in high schools these days, also. Obviously, because a thing is common does not mean it is good. Mikey tries to wiggle out of the unintended consequences his inanity two paragraphs prior present by slathering on heaping helpings of regulatory red tape. Another of the beauties of soccer is its simplicity, the rules are unelaborate and easily understood by even the dimmest of bulbs, such as Paolo Di Canio. It doesn't take a lawyer to run the sport like the NFL requires. The unhealthy American obsession with mounds of rules and regulations and paperwork to govern, and hopefully pre-ordain, all possible outcomes of all possible actions will ruin soccer. Shakespeare had it wrong. Don't kill all the lawyers first, kill the politicians. That way you whack most of the lawyers anyway, plus you get the bonus of ridding yourself of a multitude of control-obsessed rule fetishists also.

"The American two-ref system did not include linesmen, rendering it farcical. FIFA's system would maintain the referee's assistants." More referees only result in more bad calls being made, as we demonstrated in the March 19, 1999, TotW.

"A favorite lament of coaches and players is inconsistency among different refs. Even referees argue that a two-ref system can spell disaster if it combines two different personalities. But guidelines and a hierarchy among the officials should address this problem." Like guidelines (laws) and hierarchy (governments) prevent conflict between individuals and nations? Gathering naked on a mountain top to pick daisies and strum sitars does as much good.

"If other sports can manage to police a game with a platoon of officials, then soccer should succeed in getting two refs to work well together." But they don't. There are fouls on literally every play in a gridball game, and with all the refs they have the fouls still don't get called. But the multiple refs, as multiple sources of authority will do, only cause confusion as to who is calling what on whom, and what the resolution ought to be. This of course leading to yet more time-wasting, though it does give couch potatos time to click over to all-star wrestling or hurriedly move their lard-filled hind-ends to the fridge for some more ice-cold suds.

And so we arrive at the only good argument for the two ref system: "And ultimately, the coaches and players will love the two-ref system. They'll have an additional person to blame their failures on."

World Cup Team Feted at White House

US co-captain Julie Foudy presents a gift to the Commander in Heat WASHINGTON (AP) - Bill Clinton told the US women's soccer team that its World Cup victory was one of the most exciting athletic events he's ever seen, "except for that one time Seka deep-throated John Holmes." Clinton, joined by his wife Hillary Robem-Cheatem, Vice President AlGore and his Stepford Wife Tipper, saluted the team that won the women's World Cup by beating China on July 10 in Los Angeles. Clinton said he "almost fell out of the sky box" he was so thrilled when Brandi Chastain made the winning penalty kick. "I thought I was going to see her knockers!" AlGore said he found time to watch all three of his daughters play soccer, once even forcing a world leader (hopefully one without nukes) to wait because his daughter's soccer match went to double overtime. "I gave the interpreter quite a workout that day," he said. "I gave her a workout too," winked Clinton, elbowing AlGore in the ribs. Ms. Robem-Cheatem labeled the World Cup players "our girls of summer," adding they have helped women's sports take a great leap forward. "Not only have they captured our imaginations, they definitely have stolen our hearts," Ms. Robem-Cheatem said. "And if I catch Bill stealing their ass I'll cut his pecker off and shove it down his throat." Captain Carla Overbeck and co-captain Julie Foudy presented the Commander in Heat a No. 69 team jersey, AlGore an autographed soccer ball, and Ms. Robem-Cheatem with a crystal figurine of a soccer player. "Hey, nice hooters," said Clinton. "Can I have your phone number?" It is unclear if Clinton was referring to the figurine or Ms. Foudy.

Really Big Words of the Year

Honorable Mentions

quisling: A traitor who serves as the puppet of the enemy occupying his or her country. After Vidkun Quisling, head of Norway's government during the Nazi occupation. (991204)

reductio ad absurdum: Disproof of a proposition by showing the absurdity of its inevitable conclusion. Literally, "reduction to the absurd". (990619)

überstürmbannführer: High ranking Nazi officer. (990521)

hoi polloi: The common people; the masses. (990904)

satyr: A licentious man; a lecher. (990807)

Milorganite: "America's leading organic fertilizer." When we flush our toilets in Milwaukee, Milorganite is what it gets turned into. (990731)

Top 10

10. detritus: Disintegrated or eroded matter. Accumulated material; debris. (991120)

9. apostate: One who has forsaken the faith, principles, or party, to which he before adhered; esp., one who has forsaken his religion for another; a pervert; a renegade. (990528)

8. bathetic: An abrupt, unintended transition in style from the exalted to the commonplace, producing a ludicrous effect. An anticlimax. (990724)

7. knights errant: Roving knights, especially in search of adventure. Mercenaries. (991023)

6. soused: To plunge or immerse in water or any liquid. To drench, as by an immersion; to wet throughly. Drunk. (991016)

5. obeisance: A manifestation of obedience; an expression of difference or respect; homage; a bow; a courtesy. (991127)

4. defenestrated: To throw out of a window. (990807)

3. villeinage: The state of a villain, or serf; base servitude; tenure on condition of doing the meanest services for the lord. (991023)

2. transcorporeal: From "trans" (across; on the other side; beyond) and "corporeal" (having material or physical form or substance), thus a previous life. (990416)

1. necropaedohomobeastiality: Sex with dead gay baby animals. (990828)

Headlines of the Year
(As voted on by TotW's editorial staff)

10. Lawyers' Wet Dream: Debbie Keller (990305)
9. MetroStars make bold personnel move (990626)
8. Opponents will be fouled. Survivors will be fouled again. (990612)
7. Female shotputter manhandles defenseless little balls (990821)
6. MLS Signs Players for Savings Bonds (990717)
5. Blatter Proposes Moving Easter to July (990312)
4. DC United hones plumbing skills in Charleston (990814)
3. You people are morons (990612)
2. Casual fans are sports heroin (990724)
1. Colonel Klink Sends Sergeant Schulz to the Eastern Front (990430)

Quotes of the Year
(As voted on by TotW's editorial staff)

Honorable Mentions

"The only way you could get me out to a soccer game is if my kids were to drag me out." (Jim Leahy, MetroStars marketing (!) honcho, 990416)

"The most problems aren't caused by the guys involved in the initial incident. It's the Henry Kissingers who run 50 yards to get involved in something, thinking they can sort it out who give me most trouble." (Hugh Dallas, Scottish referee, on dealing with on-pitch melees, 990514)

"Give me the fuckin' ball. Jesus!" (Revs player to ball boy, caught by sideline mike, 990911)

Pigtail Hooligan: "Dear Cindy, I was wondering how you can head ... so aggressively and long. Every time I try, I end up hurting my head and it gives me a really bad headache."
Cindy Parlow, US international: "Heading takes a lot of practice. Heading has everything to do with technique and timing. It definitely hurts if you head it the wrong way." (990828)

Top 10

10. "Many years ago I played a couple of games against a prison team. The prisoners were formidably fit but, although some of them were inside for violent crime, the games were not at all dirty -- certainly nowhere near as dirty as matches against police teams." (Mick Dennis, Soccernet, 990814)

8. "Anywhere I've played, I've been tested and understood what's been banned. Random testing isn't so random when you're a long-haired freak." (Alexi Lalas, KC Wizards defender, 990416)

7. "We have too many people involved in soccer in this country just out for carving out their piece of the pie. They really have no interest in the end result for soccer, just in protecting their little turf." (Bruce Arena, Soccer America, 990911)

6. "I have never been shot but that is what I would expect a bullet hole to look like." (Hakan Mild, Sweden international, after being fouled by England's Paul Scholes, whose tackle caused an 18-inch gash, 990612)

5. "You're the parent and I'm the coach, and I'm the one who knows how to play this game." (Blissfully ignorant youth soccer coach to parent who suggested the coach screaming at players was inhibiting their play. The parent? Bob Bradley, whose Chicago Fire had just won MLS Cup 98. Bradley just walked away, and the unenlightened coach stayed that way. 990724)

4. "Anything less than a complete overhaul of MLS will leave it sputtering along next season, heading shakily down the road to oblivion, trailing smoke and dropping parts and pieces along the way." (Grahame Jones, Sporting News, 991030)

3. "What is the world coming to when you get a red card and get fined two weeks' wages for calling a grown man a wanker?" (Paul Gascoigne, Middlesbrough midfielder, 991023)

2. "We had 22,000 for our first game, it was a tremendous atmosphere -- we had smoke bombs, confetti, painted faces, toilet rolls, it seemed to be a real soccer crowd. But over the following months, security clamped down -- you're not allowed to let off smoke bombs, you're not allowed to throw confetti, no toilet rolls, you're not allowed in here if you're enjoying yourself. We never got 22,000 again." (Ron Newman, KC Wizards coach, 990430)

1. "The rest of the Spice Girls wanted to invite the entire Bayern Munich team because they reckoned they'd never known blokes to be on top for 90 minutes and still come second." (Best man Gary Neville, speaking at the wedding of David Beckham and Posh Spice, 990717)

Some other Good Slams

990409: Liverpool striker Robbie Fowler has been charged with misconduct by the FA ... Fowler's foot is now so far in his mouth that he ought to be able to get a grip on it next time he grabs his buttocks.

990807: That wet, smacking sound you hear is Jerry Trecker planting sloppy, slobbery kisses in and about the region of Sepp Blatter's bunghole.

990814: The NFL Europe season is only three months long, fer crissake, you'd think [Garber] coulda spent a few hours here and there attending even a tiny fraction of the thousands of conveniently located soccer matches liberally sprinkled about Europe like track marks across a Dallas Cowboy's elbow?

990814: What's the transfer fee for the entire national team of Vanuatu: two coconuts, a shrunken monkey head and Tab Ramos?

991204: TotW would not have a dishonoree if Sven-Goran was merely content to put his foot in his mouth. No, he proceeds to shove it in so deep he's got toes wiggling out of his rectum.

Staff Picks

OTotY (Organizational TotY): To USSF for several repeat offenses: Pandering, for changing the name of the US Open Cup and its trophy to the "Lamar Hunt US Open Cup". Attempted manslaughter, for trying to rig a US Open Cup final involving Columbus in Columbus. Nice try swami. Finally, for overall negligence and ineptitude. (Forgot who)

OtTDotY (Over the Top Display of the Year): This category is getting harder and harder to judge with all the taunting, goal celebrations, kicking, spitting, diving, ass grabbing, etc. done by players nowadays. But we've narrowed the selection down to one and it's not much of a surprise he plays in the EPL. He's none other than Robbie Fowler of Liverpool, who, after converting on a penalty & in response to criticisms about alleged drug abuse, knelt down and sniffed the white line on the field. Now, Rob, if this was an attempt to convince us you're innocent of those accusations, I'd say you failed miserably. If it was an attempt to REALLY piss off the home fans at Everton, then I'd say you won a gold medal. However, you also won yourself a consolation prize from the FA, a few days off. (Jim Gregory, TotW Bribe Taker)

USMPotY (US Men's Player of the Year): Kasey Keller gets my vote. He has lifted his game to a true international level where he probably is the best known American player worldwide. He's done well wherever he's gone, and continues to play consistently, which is the mark of a true professional. I don't recall anyone in 1999 saying "Kasey had an off day". He currently has elevated a scruffy, low budget side in Madrid to the top of the Spanish heap and drawn praise from players, fans and the media alike where before now, the only time "America" was in print in that part of the world was usually preceded by the words "Down With ..." (Jim Gregory, TotW Bribe Taker)

USWPotY (US Women's Player of the Year): This one is really tough. A whole team of all stars and while everybody in the world picks Mia as the all-everything, I'm going to buck tradition and pick Kristine Lilly. In 1999, she was tied for the team lead in goals with 20 (Mia had 13) and set the world record -- yes, that includes the men too -- for international appearances at 158 (and still counting). Mia does get double teamed, hacked and ambushed, and that opens things up for her teammates, but Mia was only average in the WWC, so my vote goes to Kristine. Plus she gave my son an autograph in a restaurant. Hey, TotW don't call me Bribe Taker for nothing! (Jim Gregory, TotW Bribe Taker)

FTotY (Female Turd of the Year): To Lynne Menstral, or whatever her name is, for changing the Clash to the Earthquakes. May a 7.6 rock her while she's on the toilet trying to pass a redwood. (Forgot who) (Turds are something I prefer not to think about women producing - ed.)

Little Sinker Award: To Raul Diaz-Arce, for inciting violence at RFK Stadium against his former side, DC United, and the thugs that took part in it. (Forgot who)

Fat Bastard Floater Award: To CONCACAF, for changing its name to "The Football Confederation". TFC sounds like a home shopping channel. Then they held their Champions Cup in Las Vegas, awarding the finals to that city for years to come, so the TFC honchos can partake of Wayne Newton, gambling and legal brothels. (Forgot who)

The rank of Turd Emeritus is only bestowed after much grave and learned debate by the Collegium Fecal, thus making it an award of singular dishonor. Before we turn to this year's candidates, let us see what has developed of late with the current Turds Emeritii (and there be only one):

Steve Sampson, T.E.
Ex-Coach, US National Team

990319: "After this is done and we're all old, we're going to have scrapbooks, but hopefully the most important thing is the respect of the people you associated yourself with. Steve (Sampson) is going to have to settle for a scrapbook." (Alexi Lalas, KC Wizards defender)

990319: If you throw Steve Sampson at a wall, will he stick?

990521: Steve Sampson as Idiot Savant: In spin worthy of the master, Doug "The Centrifuge" Logan, Soccer Spot columnist Alex Gorman claims Sampson's classic hash of America's 1998 World Cup effort was actually part of a secret Sampson plan to prepare for future international honors:

"It can be argued quite effectively that lack of experience and team unity caused our great nation’s horrible showing in France. Ditching the old guard certainly played a part in the tragedy, but did Steve Sampson do the wrong thing? If his goal was World Cup success, he most definitely screwed up. But I (having received secret signals from Steve Sampson via the receiver implanted in my teeth) think that moment, the clearing out of the dead wood and creating real competition for starting spots, will be regarded in the future as the turning point for American soccer. A lot of young players got their first caps in the run up to the World Cup and even more players have been tested since then. (Because Steve Sampson also sends signals to Bruce Arena's teeth.) The US National team may now be stronger than ever simply because Steve Sampson had the courage to say no more 'business as usual'." How could I be so blind!? *head slap*

990731: What would you get if you combined (Doug) Logan and (Steve) Sampson in the same room? Milorganite.

991113: Steve Sampson? Moron that makes the banjo kid from "Deliverance" look like Stephen freakin' Hawking!

Doug 'the Centrifuge' Logan
Ex-Prãsident Crapshoot MLs

990521: The Centrifuge is happy because he effectively picked Phillip Morris' rapidly emptying pockets, while getting in tight with the Ohio Anti-Tobacco Nazis; the überstürmbannführer is happy because she got to trample all over our rights; Philbin is happy because she got to piddle all over; and Phillip Morris is happy because it didn't get a billion dollar government baloney shoved between it's buttocks.

990612: Darwin Award winners are smarter than the Centrifuge. Vegetables -- the plant kind, not the human kind -- are smarter than the Centrifuge. The hairy, crumby goo under the keys on my computer is smarter than the Centrifuge.

990724: [Regarding trade of Raul Diaz-Arce from San Jose to Tampa Bay for Alejandro Sequeira -- who was cut after the season] ... it doesn't take much to see the Hand of Logan behind this latest farce. One can almost picture the Centrifuge in a black cap & top hat, twirling his black mustache and laughing maniacally as his diabolical plan comes to fruition.

990807: There's been a whiff of desperation in the air the last two weeks: First, Doug Logan consummated his relationship with Lothar Matthãus (though the groom has been defenestrated and the honeymoon isn't until January 2000 anyway). Then, like a randy billy goat, the Centrifuge pursued and mounted Ecuadorian international Ariel Graziani (though a free transfer, Graziani is surely not selling Ecuadorian happy dust to get by). With a still raging hardon, the Centrifuge eloped with college star Chris Albright, stealing him away from his betrothed, Bayer Leverkusen, in the middle of the night. Logan was poking his pee-pee wherever he found an empty hole. He almost nailed France'98 star Davor Suker, instead having to settle for the warm embrace of Suker's former countryman (minus the odd ethnic cleansing, or two) Sasa Curcic. The Centrifuge seemed to be seeking more willing partners than even renowned satyrist Bill Clinton. Perhaps the Centrifuge simply knew his gig was up and was willing to sacrifice league financial stability in order to save his own weasely hide? ... But no one could be worse than Logan. Well, at least in theory.

990904: Logan may be gone, but the spin has not ceased. I swear to God, MLs said the battle of the titans between Miami and Kansas City was "a game with serious playoff implications." Honest. Really. Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. (If I was blind I wouldn't have to actually watch the match.)

9901016: Though he is now at ESPN.com, part of the Go Network, Trecker is still committing the same sort of written idiocy he did for his former employers at Sporting News for Baseball Fans and Everyone Else Be Damned. The article was headlined "MLS could use Logan's skills, abilities" -- I shit you not! Trecker assumes that failed former Prãsident Crapshoot MLs Doug 'the Centrifuge' Logan would still be useful to the league because Hispanics -- being ignorant fruit pickers -- would somehow flock to MLs because the league trotted out the Cuban Logan as its talking head, like a big city sharpie running a three card monte scam on the local rubes. The White Man's Burden: bringing MLs salvation to the heathen ethnic masses. Show'em the "lightning stick" and next thing you know the savages will be worshipping you as a god! Or is it, rather, the same sort of ad nauseum mentality usually on offer by Trecker's former employers wherein the same failed retreads are trotted out year after year, after year, after year, to lead the local baseball team to the Greater Glory of mid-level mediocrity? Said Logan, "I've told Dr. Bob (Contiguglia, president of USSF) and the General Secretary (Hank Steinbrecher) that I'm available for projects in the future that I might be helpful with." Like scrapping out toilets at Soldier Field, removing toxic waste at the Meadowlands, or washing Alexi Lalas' jock.

Charles Stillitano
MetroStars General Manager

The MetroStar's Lothar Matthãus Saga

990612: Lothar Matthãus' coy, eye-lash batting, hiding-face-behind-fan, catch-me-if-you-can, courtship with MLS is apparently on again, and the nuptials are now scheduled for early next week. In a league where the maximum salary is supposed to be $250,000, and where team wages are supposed to total no more than $1.7 million, the ancient one will make $1 million over 18 months while propping up the flailing MetroStars. When asked about the impending signing, MLS media relations director Dan Courtemanche said, "It's news to me." Good to see Dan's staying on top of his job.

990619: In a mating dance more intricate than a horney dragonfly's, the MetroStars on-again, off-again courtship of Lothar Matthãus is back on the rocks after Matthãus' Bayern Munchen club team, suffering from post-Champions League traumatic stress disorder, gacked in the German Cup finals to lowly Werder Bremen. Daily Variety reports that several networks have development deals in the works based on the real life MetroStars-Matthãus soap opera. Meanwhile the hapless MetroStars are bereft of foreign allocations, marquee players, and hope.

990828: Since a one-week break at the beginning of August, the RotMasters have lost six games in three weeks by a combined score of 5:18. Good thing they signed Lothar Matthãus. (As Jeff Rusnak wrote in the Sun-Sentinel, "If he can make the woeful New York/New Jersey MetroStars watchable, let alone respectable, he will have done plenty.")

990904: "Maybe they'll end up next-to-last with me. That would be a success, too." (Lothar Matthãus, German international, recent RotMasters signing. The RotMasters are currently last place in MLs.)

990911: News reports indicate Lothar Matthãus is "interested" in becomming the next coach of the RotMasters. "It could be that Bora gives up -- then I could take over," said Matthãus. Not content to merely express his interest in any, you understand, possible, future coaching vacany, Germany's answer to Alan Shearer has already begun assembling his squad. "We need to put together a good team, one with the right mix of veterans and hungry players," Matthãus continued. Good ideas, perhaps, certainly ones the RotMasters have yet to figure out, but who exactly is Methuselah interested in? Why, fellow pensioners Giuseppe Bergomi and Roberto Donadoni who are both a creaking 35-years old -- spry young whipper-snappers compared to the 38-year old Matthãus. Apparently fellow ancient Italian Walter Zenga, player-coach of the New England Revolution is ready to get in a bidding war for Bergomi's 'services'. Other headlines we can expect to see in the future: "Wortman wants Pele and Garrincha for Miami Fusion", "Schmid wants Beckenbauer and Müller for LA Galaxy", "Rongen wants Cruyff and Gullit for DC United" and "Zenga wants Zenga for Revolution".

991120: "If Charlie survives this, the Metros should just fold up their tents and quit. How long is the Metros ownership going to let Gilligan run his team into the deserted island?" (20WMD, BigSoccer.com)

991120: Matthãus to stay with Bayern through next millenium: It was probably not a good sign when Oldthar was introduced by Tab Ramos, another famous no show, at last week's RotMaster's press conference. Among the searing queries the New York press lavished on Ramos, Oldthar and Charlie Stillinajob were "Why were you named after a key on a computer?", "Do 55% of medical doctors believe Bayern works better than Tylenol to cure menstrual cramps?", and "Are you really that fucking stupid?" Stillinajob defended his latest blockbuster signing, saying "Most importantly, he's a winner and brings that to the MetroStars. His commitment to this organization is absolute, giving his absolute best to area fans."* Stillinajob did not specify what organization he might be talking about, as supporters have never before been able to use the words "MetroStars" and "organization" in the same sentence. Oldthar, bound, gagged and heavily sedated, was only able to drool "ah ... mmm ... gurgle". Apparently, Oldthar has since regained his senses and fled to Germany, explaining "I thought I signed to join the MetroStars on January 1, 3000." So, whether Oldthar in fact joins the RotMasters in six weeks as he contracted to do, or he joins them in mid-March after Bayern's next round of Champions League games, or he joins them in June (we are still talking about 2000, not 3000) after the Bundesliga season, or he joins them whenever his pre-pubescent model girlfriend finally lands that breakthrough kiddie porn role, is as open to speculation as to whether Charlie Stillinajob sucks or blows.

* Honest to God, real live quote!

991127: Oldthar Watch: Oldthar Matthãus scored a rare goal in the 12th minute of Bayern's Bundesliga match before leaving the game with a torn thigh muscle. He will miss Wednesday's Champions League game at Norway's Rosenborg, and several decades of duty with the RotMasters. Charlie Stillinajob flew to Munich to personally massage the injured muscle, in the vain hope that his obeisance will one day earn him the opportunity to masturbate in The Great One's shadow.

991204: Bayern Name Zambrano Coach: In a constantly evolving rivalry, one sure to soon exceed Fenerbahce-Galatasaray, Ajax-Feyenoord, and even Rangers-Celtic, Bayern Munich once again beat MetroStars to the punch, inking deposed LA Galaxy coach Octavio Zambrano to a new contract just hours after Zambrano signed with MetroStars. Zambrano, who has encouraged attacking soccer throughout his career, despaired within minutes of shaking GM Charlie Stillinajob's hand, upon discovering that the MetroStars biggest threat, was also it's biggest player -- 440 pound, former WWF superstar, Eduardo 'El Tankit' Hurtado. Zambrano quickly excused himself from his introductory press conference citing an urgent need to make "number #1". Stillinajob took that as his cue to assume the podium and blather on at length about how the RotMaster's many foreign superstars would indeed help the RotMaster's soar to number #1. Zambrano was last seen in Groucho Marx disguise boarding a Lufthansa flight to Frankfurt. RotMasters insiders speculate that Zambrano will return to New York on January 1, 2000, with Oldthar Matthãus in tow.

(Truth is indeed stranger than fiction, as a few days later Stillitano and Zambrano did make a pilgrimage to Munich to win Lothar back.)

And the winner is ... Charles Stillitano! The newly-minted Turd Emeritus wins out over Doug Logan because Doug really had only six months in which to screw up soccer (from the time he acted as MetroStar InvestorOwnerOperatorWhatthefuck Stuart Subotnick's hatchetman by firing Sunil Gulati until he himself walked the plank in August -- Sunil having spent MLS's first four years diluting Logan's worst excesses.) Emeritus Stillitano, on the other hand, was allowed four full years free rein to fuck up MLS's most important franchise in the world's most important media center (New York) by Subotnick and John Kluge, Subotnick's puppeteer. And fuck up Charlie did. The most egregious example of which TotW reproduced for your dubious pleasure above. Furthermore, Charlie may soon have an opportunity to fuck up on a much grander scale as Rumor Control is reporting that Emeritus Stillitano may yet prove the Peter Principle is just a principle, and not an immutable law, by being promoted past his level of incompetency to ... yes, you guessed it ... the league office!

However, Doug Logan's bolos were manifest and frequent, and thus merit further consideration for end of year dishonors, in this case for Turd of the Year. And the Turd of the Year nominees are:

Doug 'the Centrifuge' Logan: For spin that would make a dervish proud, the Slick Willy. The Centrifuge's malfeasance may yet tell in the demise of MLS, the rot may be so ingrained.

Charlie Stillitano, T.E.: For the Best Imitation of a Tragic Clown, the Pagiliacci. Surely a so recently invested Turd Emeritus rates consideration for Turd of the Year?

Stuart 'Step-n-Fetchit' Subotnick & John 'the Puppetmaster' Kluge: For outstanding achievement in Overall Incompetence. As mentioned earlier, TotW is a firm believer that shit does not float, it sinks, and thus organizations that suck, suck from the top down. Subotnick and Kluge are the two bozos who hired Charlie Stillitano, then stood by Stillitano (or just stood by) as he ran the MetroStars into the ground. They hired Jim Leahy, a soccer hater, to be the MetroStars marketing honcho. They stabbed Sunil in the back, leaving the Centrifuge free to crap all over MLS. They were so busy fucking up, it's a wonder they had time to make any more filthy billions.

Massachusetts State Police: For Best Imitation of Storm Troopers, the zealous guardians of public decency and morals turned a blind eye to the rampant crime (not to mention the occasional Kennedy rape or murder) in the People's Gun-Free Paradise so they could more fully devote their finite energies to protecting mom, apple pie and Chevrolet by putting the hammer down on the most despicable crime syndicate the Commonwealth had seen since ... well, since Joe Kennedy made his fortune running booze in the 1930's: The Midnight Riders and their nefarious leader Tom Hill. The Midnight Riders horrific crime? Tripping decrepit old widows? Stealing from orphans? Butchering babies? No, drinking beer in the parking lot prior to a match! Evil, pure evil. (See the 991127 TotW for full details ... if you dare.)

Robert & Jonathan Kraft: The cheese pimp from Taxachusetts and his coattail riding offspring pulled the shadiest player deal of the year (which is really saying something in MLS) when they traded Jeff Baicher from San Jose Clash, a team they didn't actually own, to New England Revolution, a team they own but mismanage, for the often injured Jair -- who was cut after the season! Oh, and guess what? Four months and a name change later and the Krafts still haven't bought San Jose.

Doug Newman: For outstanding achievement in the category of Really Crappy Marketing, Doug (it was not a good year for Doug's) Newman oversaw the most pathetic attendance in MLS at Kansas City. The Wizards had previously suffered grievously at the gate despite having some decent teams. Doug's brilliant pre-season innovation for attracting hordes of non-toilet roll throwing supporters? Raise the price of walkup tickets to increase season ticket sales! Despite resigning at the end of the season (perhaps in shame?), Newman is still listed as the Wizards GM on MLS's web site. Incompetence just just sticks to some organizations like stink to shit.

And the winner is ...

Massachusetts Gestapo

Turd of the Year

("State Police" is simply a misnomer)

TotW 1999 Archive

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