Turd of the Week
November 16, 2002

Hero of the Week: Trailing 4:2 at Mansfield, with a minute plus injury time to play, all hope seemed lost for Bristol City. As long as there is enough of the time-space continuum remaining for it to be physically possible to score, there is hope. There is chance. Maybe not much, but a chance nonetheless. In other words, it ain't over until Maradona sings. Indeed, City scored three goals in the final three minutes -- through Heroes Brian Tinnion, Leroy Lita and Christian Roberts -- to win 4:5.

Costa Rica pisses away Gross National Product: Steve Sampson officially became coach of Costa Rica after signing a four-year $1.4 million contract. (That's $350,000 per year, or per victory, take your choice.)

Headline of the Week: "Savage faces ban" (soccer365.com) They were talking about Birmingham City midfielder Robbie Savage, not Roy Keane.

7th Sign of the impending Apocalypse: You might want to take a seat before reading this news. Ready? MLS did something right for a change. The playoffs -- though such ought not exist in the first place -- have been switched from the obtuse first-to-five-in-three-or-is-it-25-or-six-to-four 'system' to normal home-and-home, total goals format, the way God intended it. Now, about cheaping $24,000 league-leading scorer Taylor Twellman ...

Dingleberry of the Week: Charleston Southern University, which permanently disbanded it men's soccer team. The CSU still has 18 other teams competing in the Jumbo Shrimp Big South Conference. In Charleston, coon-skinning is a more important sport.

Moron of the Week: Frankie Hejduk, who got sent off from the substitutes bench for insulting the referee during St. Gallen's 2:0 loss to Neuchatel Xamax. That red card may have been Hejduk's sole contribution -- other than playing defense in a St. Gallen-record 11:3 loss -- since his transfer from Bayer Leverkusen.

Whinger of the Week: The 1,000 AS Roma supporters who demonstrated outside the offices of the Italian football association, protesting that Italy's referees are prejudiced against the team -- which won the scudetto just 18 months ago, and finished second last year. Of course, it is hard to determine how the referees may have singled out Roma, when every other Italian team from Juventus down to Campbasso believes it is the one that has been singled out by the country's officials. "We want decent, fair football, that's all," said one supporter. Translated: "We want the referees to be biased in favor of our team."

Weekly Blotter

• Basel (Switzerland): Liverpool and Basel supporters brawled near the main train station. During the fight, someone threw an "incendiary device" into a nearby fast-food restaurant. 43 arrests, 1 casualty, $6,900 worth of burned all-beef patties.

• Cagliari (Italy): Messina was winning 1:0 at Cagliari when a home supporter ran on the pitch, knocking Messina's keeper unconscious.

• Cali (Columbia): Atletico Nacional supporters attacked Deportes Tolima supporters on their way to an entirely different match in Tulua. All six busloads of Atletico supporters were detained. Apparently some Atletico supporters made it to the match against America in Cali, where they and locals had a post-match knife fight in the stands. 19 arrests.

• Pescara (Italy): Three pistol-wielding robbers stole $60,000 intended for the Molise earthquake victims, from a stadium box office.

• Ramenskoye (Russia): We don't care what anyone says, the best riots are in Russia. Spectators hurled missiles, including -- *ahem* -- seats, on the pitch during the Saturn-CSKA match. After the match they fought police and "Interior Ministry" troops in the streets, which might not be the most career enhancing move considering what they've done in Grozny. (Or in Moscow movie theaters.) 100 arrests.

• Windsor (California): Robert Smith ran onto the pitch during a rec game, grabbed the ball, and took off running. A coach chased after Smith, as both sped down local streets, stopping only when Smith took a shot at him. Smith was later arrested at home, and jailed on $35,000 bail. Police say they have no motive for Smith's bizarre crime.

It Lives! When last we heard from North Carolina's most famous hair-dresser -- and in North Carolina, that is saying alot -- in March, 1999, former semi-decent Tar Heel Debbie Keller was setting an example for aggrieved soccer parents everywhere by trying to sue her way onto the US Womens National Team. A team that did just fine, thank you, without her, due to the uncommon common sense displayed by federal arbitrators. Keller sued because she wasn't invited to the National Team's World Cup training camp.

But that isn't why TotW concerns itself with a women who is a pimple on the ass of soccer. No, TotW concerns itself with Keller because she is still suing Anson Dorrance, the head coach of the University of North Carolina's womens team for sexual harassment.

Keller, and Melissa Jennings -- an even less significant pimple -- claim Dorrance asked them questions about their sex lives, and the sexual activities of their teammates, made unwanted phone calls, end engaged in physical contact that amounted to "assault and battery".

People who have problems with keeping their sexuality on the straight and narrow, commit their personal perversion on a regular basis. People do what they enjoy, and won't stop doing it until forced to stop. Serial killers, rapists, sexual harassers, it doesn't matter. John Wayne Gacy would have bodies up to his attic by now if he hadn't got caught. Where are the corpses in Dorrance's crawlspace?

Apparently, there aren't any. Keller and Jennings are the only women claiming Dorrance harassed them, while numerous other UNC players continue to support him. Even Rosalyn Carter didn't pose for any more pictures with Chicago's most famous clown after the cops dug up the first body.

So, this past week federal judge Carlton Tilley Jr. refused to dismiss Keller's get-rich-quick $12 million suit against Dorrance. Can you blame her? Hairdressers don't make that much money. Especially in Spivey's Corner.

TotW 2002 Archive

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