Turd of the Week
February 23, 2002

MLS "Developmental Player"

Quote of the Week: "I'm not too sure that the level of interest is there between either party. I'm really not too sure what MLS could do for me right now. I'm trying to keep going forward, and I don't know if MLS is a step forward for me. I don't see it as a step forward." (Jonny Walker, Universidad Catolica keeper)

Fun Fact of the Week: Dema Kovalenko, currently on "loan" (i.e. trial) with St. Pauli, in Germany, made more money for the club's recent 2:1 upset defeat of Bayern Munich than MetroStars made combined for their entire Copa MercoNorte run, $5000 to $4000.

We are the champions! Okay, were. Of the world! For a grand total of 13 days. If one assumes that in order to be the champion, one must beat the champion, then the United States won the title from England, 1:0, on Joe Gaetjens miracle goal on June 29, 1950. They lost it three days later to Chile, 2:5. The United States other title reign lasted a little longer, from June 3, 1992, when they won it 1:0 from Portugal, until June 13, 1992, when they lost it 0:1 to Australia. The first champion was England, which defeated Scotland 4:2 in the first ever international match on March 8, 1873, and so on down the line. Besides the United States, other countries traditionally thought of as minnows who've been champions include Wales, Switzerland, Peru, Costa Rica, Ecuador, Israel, Australia, South Korea, and Netherlands Antilles. Check it out. The stats haven't been updated lately -- Spain being listed as the current champ after defeating France 2:1 on March 28, 2001 -- but it's fascinating reading nonetheless.

Weekly Blotter

• Boulogne (Argentina): "The Gunfight at the Acassusso-Ferrocarril Midland Match" just doesn't have the same ring to it as "The Gunfight at the OK Corral", but it was as violent. 5 casualties, 1 fatality.

• Buenos Aires (Argentina): Independiente and Racing Club are not just cross-city rivals, but cross-street rivals, as their stadia are just 200 yards apart. Ninety minutes before they played each other, a knife & gun fight broke out on the street between rival hooligans. A thousand police responded with tear gas and rubber bullets. The Argentine Football Association (AFA) decided postponed Racing Club's next match, against Rosario Central, due to rumors of Independiente seeking vengeance. Argentina's secretary of internal security threatened to close down the entire league if the violence continued. 80 arrests, 25 casualties, 2 fatalities.

• Glasgow (Scotland): At least 200 of the 2000 Feyenoord supporters in for the UEFA Cup tie against Rangers made a sudden surge into a home stand, over-running stewards and police in the process. 34 arrests. And the best part is, next week Rangers -- possibly with hooligan allies from England -- travel to Rotterdam for the second leg. Yee-haw!

• Istanbul (Turkey): The violence in Turkey was restricted to the pitch. (Shocking, we know.) Galatsaray had four players sent off against Fenerbahce, finishing the match with the FIFA minimum of seven. Several arrests (off the pitch).

• La Plata (Argentina): Estudiantes and Gimnasia y Esgrima supporters had interpersonal diffilculties. 30 arrests, 10 casualties.

• La Plata (Argentina): There was also a midweek fracas between Gimnasia y Esgrima and Nuevo Chicago supporters, during which a policeman was shot. 6 arrests.

• Milan (Italy): An Inter supporter fell off the second deck smashing his head when he landed 15 meters later.

• Nancy (France): AS Nancy-Lorraine keeper Philippe Schuth is "brain dead" after crashing his car. (As opposed to England, where players are brain dead after an all-night boozer.) Schuth lost control of his car on a wet road, smashing it into a crash barrier, a misnomer if there ever was one.

Unfortunate Choice of Words of the Week: Apparently Lee Bowyer, for some unknown reason, did not rush to sign the huge new contract Leeds offered him, despite his legal troubles, over a month ago. His coach, David O'Teary said that if Bowyer sought a transfer rather than signing, it would be a "massive kick in the teeth". A subject Bowyer is intimately familiar with.

Paging Mr. Anschutz ... Two month's ago, pre-extermination, Don Garber cited Silicon Valley Sports & Entertainment as Major Laughing Stock's Bay Area saviors. TotW knew then he was lying, as was proven by SVS&E's own CEO who said at that time SVS&E didn't have the money. Six weeks ago, Miami Fusion and TB Mutiny were executed, a fate probably avoided by SJ Earthquakes only due to their status as newly-crowned champions. A week later, SVS&E said not only would it not 'buy' Earthquakes -- a term used in the most advised way as no one buys anything under single-entity anymore than they do under communism -- but that they would completely bail from MLS if the league didn't compensate SVS&E for losses in excess of $1 million. (Or about $2.8 million in compensation, as the average MLS side loses $3.8 million per year.) This week, a month after the threat, with SVS&E's Sharks hockey team already on the block, MLS caved, agreeing to spread the Earthquakes' losses amongst the other league teams, until a buyer ... sucker ... investor-operator is finally found.

Top 10 Names for the New Beckham Baby

10. Bedford-Stuyvesant Beckham
9. Yellow Cab Beckham
8. Test Tube Beckham
7. Haystack Beckham
6. George
5. Subway Beckham
4. Broken Condom Beckham
3. Concorde Lavatory Beckham
2. On Your Knees Bitch Beckham

   And the #1 name of the new Beckham baby is ...

1. Alex Ferguson's Bedroom Beckham

When it rains, it pours: Last week TotW inveighed against the farcical concept of "all-star" games because they represent the reality of a sport the same way muppets do mankind, and because even though they are played with something less than normal intensity, they expose players to unnecessary and unrewarding risk. The game means nothing, why bother? If TotW was a soccer player, we'd pull a Darren Anderton on the all-star game. The cause of our concern was the punctured lung suffered by US national team defender Sara Whalen. Turns out she wasn't the only one who suffered a catastrophic injury: Her national teammate, Brandi Chastain, memorable scorer of the winning kick at the finals of Womens World Cup '99, blew out her knee in the same WUSA all-star game last week. For the love of God, and all that is holy, end the slaughter.

Whinger of the Week: Jaime Pacheco, coach of Boavista. After his side drew Bayern Munich 0:0 in the Champions League -- a good result, really -- Pacheco whinged that, "Portuguese soccer has been growing in the eyes of everyone except the referees. We are getting big, but for the referees we are still small. When there's some doubt in the official's mind, he will decide in favour of the big European clubs. If it wasn't like this, we could have won ..." Every guy thinks he's bigger than he is.

We told you he's a plant: Given the chance to opine on Major Laughing Stock's efforts to loot the wallets of McKinney, Texas, Don Garber revealed his true colors: "We're on the 10-yard line, and we just need to take it in for the touchdown." TotW is only surprised Satan's Tool didn't use a baseball analogy. But then Garber was (is?) a 20-year veteran Numerous Felons League flunky.

Keeping up with the Joneses: At the end of last season, NPSL and WISL, America's two indoor leagues, merged, the re-christened MISL becomming -- TotW is gagging -- single-entity, just like Major Laughing Stock. Over the past two years, MLS has shed investors and teams, for all intents and puroposes becomming a two owner ... err, operator-investor ... league. Not content with whoring themselves before the single-entity Idol, MISL continues to play "Me too!", with two owners ... err, operator-investors ... Richard Dietrich (Cleveland Crunch) and Don Kincaid (KC Comets) trying to buy 50% each of the indoor league. "The significance is the league is capitalized, and has the financial resources, to launch initiatives. It says the league is going to be here for a long time because it's got the financial stability and the wherewithal," said MISL president Steve Ryan. "Just like MLS has."

How much for the velvet Elvis?

This week, the Football League ruled that Queens Park Rangers' transfer embargo would remain in place until the club was out of administration (i.e., no longer bankrupt). No disrespect to QPR's unfortunate supporters, but the only reason TotW cares about the club enough to mention it week after week is that QPR is the financial black hole Milwaukee's would-be MLS operator-investor, and paltry millionaire, Tim-MAY! Krause is so damn eager to hop in financial bed with. Perhaps this explains a bit: Tim-MAY! Krause "Special Friend" of Milwaukee Soccer Milwaukee already has a professional team, the Rampage. Support for professional soccer in Milwaukee is insufficient to sustain two teams. It is also insufficient to support an MLS team. Tim-MAY! Krause is rich by our standards, but poor compared to Ken Whoreowitz, who is in turn poor compared to Hunt, Anschutz, Kluge, etc. Tim-MAY! Krause is looking for financial support from teams with no support to offer (QPR, MVV, etc.) Thus, the sequence of events would be: Stadium gets built with tax dollars. Tim-MAY! gets MLS team. Rampage fold. Attendance is paltry. Milwaukee MLS team gets in financial trouble. Tim-MAY! can't support team, bails. Milwaukee loses MLS team. Milwaukee has no professional soccer of any sort. Milwaukee has gleaming $50 million downtown flea market. That is why TotW opposes putting an MLS team in Milwaukee. Ask yourself, would you piddle yourself with puppy joy if someone ran the team you support out of town, only to see the new team eventually go under? I don't think so!

And why would Tim-MAY! need help?

Maybe because he blew his baseball inheritance buying Milwaukee's indoor soccer team, the Wave. As the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinal reported, Krause's payments to MISL and local creditors are in arrears. (Including to powerhouse law firm Michael Best & Friedrich. Oops!) In other words, not only is he trying to get money from groups which have none, but he has none himself.

Krause is apparently throwing in the towel and moving back to Milwaukee after spending much of the last year living in Europe, trying to make stones bleed: "But no tangible progress has been reported in that effort in recent months," the Journal-Sentinel wrote. Gee, we wonder why?

If Krause can't afford to maintain his $150,000 letter of credit with MISL (the league withdrew it last month), then he has no hope of ever making annual $3.8 million payments to Major Laughing Stock, let alone paying a franchise fee of $10 million, or building a stadium for $50 million.

MISL is hardly likely to cut all ties with Krause, the man who MISL president Ryan, himself a former Turd of the Week, has made a cornerstone of the league's restructuring effort -- check that foundation! -- but as an inside source said, if the MLS effort in Milwaukee isn't dead, it is at least on life support.

I think I just came.

For a few days there TotW thought there would be no dishonoree. Boldly leaping into the breech:

TotW 2002 Archive

© Copyright 1995-2011 by Preston V. McMurry III