Turd of the Week
100th Anniversary Issue

Sorry about the long delay since the last issue, but I was on holiday most of the last month. Plus I was getting more burned out than Diego Maradona on a two-week crack bender ...

Before we get to main festivities of the 100th Anniversary Turd of the Week, we need to clear our desk of a few items that have crept up during the past month. Okay, items from just this week, as I have literally paid no attention to world soccer news in a month. (Really, when you're vacation reading is The White Goddess: A Historical Grammar of Poetic Myth, and the book is as difficult a read as the title, you have little time for less weighty subjects like Gazza's waistline.)

Sepp Blatter desperately tries to come up with new ideas

Actions speak louder than words: Italian football has been wracked by hooliganism and racism, especially this past season. One of the worst offenders has been Lazio. "We can't deny there's a problem with Lazio fans," admitted to the stadium's security head Saverio Mandetta. "There's a group which calls themselves the Indestructibles who have purely political motives and aren't connected with Lazio itself. These are the people behind the racial abuse and they refuse to enter any dialogue with ourselves." What a load of crap. Dialogue, my ass. There's no need to talk to cretins. Kick them out, and kick them out now. And forever.

Quote of the Week: "You foreigners don't know how to play soccer." American soccer parent to Iranian referee.

Divers of the Week: Playing before their home supporters, Colombia put on an attractive display of attacking soccer in the Copa America against South America's 9th-ranked World Cup qualifer, Chile. (Columbia won 2:0.) But that is not why we are here today. No, we are here because Chile went down more easily than Linda Lovelace in "Deep Throat". Except Chile were males -- like the Chinese Olympic women's swim team.

Weekly Blotter

• Bangkok (Thailand): A Thai supporter of Liverpool committed suicide by putting on the team shirt, then doing a dry dive -- much like Chile, but from a higher altitude -- from the top of a four-story building, when he couldn't get match tickets for the Reds friendly against the Thai national team.

• Labe (Guinea): The final of the Lansana Conte Cup, between Labe and Friguigbe, was apparently a hot ticket in Guinea, as a rush of supporters to get inside the jammed stadium resulted in two people being crushed to death. Sepp Blatter did not insist that Africa be awarded World Cup 2010.

• Vienna (Austria): 150 Bayern supporters attacked Vienna FC's canteen, throwing beer glasses and chairs (!) at the two dozen Austrian supporters inside. Then the sides played their 'friendly' match. After the match, which Bayern won 1:2, 300 Vienna FC supporters tried to storm the Bayern stand. 45 arrests, 8 casualties.

Dingleberry of the Week: We will not cite an official Turd of the Week this week, due to the much more important work that follows forthwith. Namely naming a Turd of the Century -- the fattest, slimiest, skunk-roadkill smelling, corn-infested redwood log of TotW's first 100 issues. Instead we cite some dingleberries*, a whole cluster of them clinging to the butthairs of sport: Ajax, perfectly illustrating the ripple effect caused by having an indoor ArenA (when God's sport is meant to be played outdoors where He can watch it), proposed to fix the fix by installing an artificial surface. Mequon, a town where I often ref, for besmirching a barely two-year old soccer field with goalposts and more white lines than Maradona's mirror. I about drove off the road when I realized what the town had done. I'm sorry, I'm not reffing any soccer games on a goddamn gridiron field. USA Today, a British tab without titties, for joining the long, black roll of American media which have recently fired their soccer columnist, Peter Brewington. (That's the thanx the 18-year employee gets for rushing his return from a serious car accident earlier this year: TotW bets USA Today's baseball urinalist would be given a year's paid leave if he had a hangover.)

Quotes of the Century
(As voted on by TotW's editorial staff)

15. "I, in my modest way, have for years now been trying to find a cure for soccer's most pervasive disease, coaching, before it lays waste to the entire sport. Coaching, my research has established, cannot be cured by applying logic or common sense or ridicule or exhortation or job loss or oodles of money or threats of violence or even by offers to take over at Scunthorpe United." (Paul Gardner, internetsoccer.com, TotW #81)

14. "Someone said to me, 'You Italian fucking bastard.' I know I am Italian, they do not have to tell me." (Paolo Di Canio discussing geneology with a Sheffield Wednesday supporter, TotW #50)

13. "This is pretty much sweating out the beer." (Frankie Hejduk, Leverkusen midfielder on his side's off-season US tour, TotW #96)

12. "He couldn't have swallowed his tongue to judge by the things he was shouting as he was carried off." (Colin Hendry, after elbowing a San Marinan player in the throat, TotW #90)

11. "To this day, I don't know what to consider how I got there, whether it was a trade, a dispersal draft -- what all that is I don't know." (Clint Mathis on his MLSnapping from LA Galaxy to MetroStars, TotW #92)

10. "What is the world coming to when you get a red card and get fined two weeks' wages for calling a grown man a wanker?" (Paul Gascoigne, Middlesbrough midfielder, TotW #34)

9. "Many years ago I played a couple of games against a prison team. The prisoners were formidably fit but, although some of them were inside for violent crime, the games were not at all dirty -- certainly nowhere near as dirty as matches against police teams." (Mick Dennis, Soccernet, TotW #26)

8. "Anywhere I've played, I've been tested and understood what's been banned. Random testing isn't so random when you're a long-haired freak." (Alexi Lalas, KC Wizards defender, TotW #11)

7. "Sure, the league may have plundered the depth of this team like a frat boy at the Tri Delt Christmas formal, but I am confident all those new fans can act as the burro L.A. rides to the semifinal fiesta. At least the ones that are still around after Luis Hernandez misses his 10th game to check on his wife and their kids. Or to see his hairstylist back in Monterrey where he really gets fuller body and better tones. Or because his shoulder hurts." (Garth Lagerwey, Miami keeper, regarding the LA Galaxy, TotW #60)

6. "To get a penalty at Old Trafford, Jaap Stam needs to take out a machine gun and riddle you full of bullets -- and even then there will probably be a debate over whether you were shot inside the penalty box or just outside!" (Paolo Di Canio, West Ham striker, TotW #83)

5. "The only way you could get me out to a soccer game is if my kids were to drag me out." (Jim Leahy, MetroStars marketing honcho, TotW #11)

4. "It's kind of like MLS. You have no idea what's going on. The rules change as we go along. There are trades and rule changes during the game and after the game. It perfectly approximates MLS." (Alexi Lalas on the Walsh Cup, a annual backyard 5-a-side tournament held among MLS players, friends & family. TotW #80)

3. "We had 22,000 for our first game, it was a tremendous atmosphere -- we had smoke bombs, confetti, painted faces, toilet rolls, it seemed to be a real soccer crowd. But over the following months, security clamped down -- you're not allowed to let off smoke bombs, you're not allowed to throw confetti, no toilet rolls, you're not allowed in here if you're enjoying yourself. We never got 22,000 again." (Ron Newman, KC Wizards coach, TotW #13)

2. "You're the parent and I'm the coach, and I'm the one who knows how to play this game." (Blissfully ignorant youth soccer coach to parent who suggested the coach screaming at players was inhibiting their play. The parent? Bob Bradley, whose Chicago Fire had just won MLS Cup 98. Bradley just walked away, and the unenlightened coach stayed that way. TotW #23)

   And the Quote of the Century is ...

1. "The rest of the Spice Girls wanted to invite the entire Bayern Munich team because they reckoned they'd never known blokes to be on top for 90 minutes and still come second." (Best man Gary Neville, speaking at the wedding of David Beckham and Posh Spice, TotW #22)

There's a couple of guys you can count on for good quotes: Di Canio is one, and Alexi Lalas is the other. Love him or hate him, every sport needs characters like Paolo Di Canio. The winner though is Gary Neville, who has a future in standup comedy after his career collapses in mediocrity.

(TotW #53)

Headlines of the Century
(As voted on by TotW's editorial staff)

15. Casual fans are sports heroin (TotW #23)
14. MetroStars make bold personnel move (TotW #21)
13. Lawyers' Wet Dream: Debbie Keller (TotW #7)
12. FIFA fines Albania two goats and a rusty knife (TotW #93)
11. MLS Lothar-free (TotW #81)
10. Opponents will be fouled. Survivors will be fouled again. (TotW #19)
9. Female shotputter manhandles defenseless little balls (James Gregory, TotW Bribe Taker, TotW #27)
8. Can't you kiss us after you screw us? (TotW #48)
7. "If you think we're small, look inside your pants." (TotW #74)
5. Mexico defeats drunk Tri-Delts (TotW #91)
4. It's hard to think straight with a stiff dick in your hand (TotW #92)
6. RFK Stadium more decayed than RFK (TotW #60)
3. Are MLS contracts written in crayon? (Dave Morris, TotW Paul Gardner Memorial Paper Coach, TotW #84)
2. Fuck baseball (TotW #93)

   And the Headline of the Century is ...

1. Blatter Proposes Moving Easter to July (TotW #8)

Sepp Blatter only made the #5 headline in 1999, and now he's all the way up to #1. Apparently, familiarity breeds contempt. By the way, Debbie Keller -- last seen unsuccessfully trying to sue her way onto the US Womens' National Team -- is now a hairdresser in North Carolina.

Womens World Cup '99 champion Julie Foudy presents a gift to the Commander in Heat, Bill Clinton. (TotW #23)

Really Big Words of the Century
aka, the Kenn Tomasch Memorial
(As voted on by TotW's editorial staff)

15. bathetic: An abrupt, unintended transition in style from the exalted to the commonplace, producing a ludicrous effect. An anticlimax. (TotW #23)

14. apostate: One who has forsaken the faith, principles, or party, to which he before adhered; esp., one who has forsaken his religion for another; a pervert; a renegade. (TotW #17)

13. Capo di tutti Capi: Italian for 'boss of bosses'; the Godfather. (TotW #52)

12. prescient: Perceiving the significance of events before they occur. (TotW #88)

11. endomorph: An individual characterized by relative prominence of the abdomen and other soft body parts developed from the embryonic endodermal layer. A fat guy. (TotW #90)

10. transcorporeal @ : From "trans" (across; on the other side; beyond) and "corporeal" (having material or physical form or substance), thus a previous life. (TotW #11)

9. villeinage: The state of a villain, or serf; base servitude; tenure on condition of doing the meanest services for the lord. (TotW #34)

8. defenestrated: To throw out of a window. (TotW #25)

7. reductio ad absurdum: Disproof of a proposition by showing the absurdity of its inevitable conclusion. Literally, "reduction to the absurd". (TotW #20)

6. opprobriation: Scorn, hatred. This word is so big, you can't even find it on www.dictionary.com! (TotW #60)

5. xara: Not just a famous soccer equipment manufacturer, it is also the Hebrew word for 'shit'. (TotW #81)

4. El Mierdador @ : Luis Hernandez was originally known as 'el Matador' or the killer. But Hernandez is a shithead, and the Spanish word for shit is 'mierda'. So, in a play on words, TotW dubbed Hernandez 'el Mierdador'.

3. picoscopic @ : Whereas 'micro' is a millionth, and 'pico' is a trillionth (or a millionth of a millionth), then that which is picoscopic is infinitesimally smaller than something which is microscopic. In other words, it's really, *really* small. (TotW #78)

2. cranial-rectal infarction @ : From 'cranial' (of or relating to the skull), 'rectal' (of or pertaining to the rectum), and 'infarction' (the act of stuffing or filling; an overloading and obstruction of any organ or vessel of the body). Literally having your head up your ass. (TotW #55)

   And the Kenn Tomasch Memorial Really Big Word of the Century is ...

1. necropaedohomobeastiality @ : Sex with dead gay baby animals. (TotW #28)

Wow, check that out! Five of the top 15 Really Big Words, including the top four, were made up by me! ME! Me and no one else! And without fiddling the results even. I am so-o-o smart! (@ marks new words created by Turd of the Week.) ... Okay, necropaedohomobeastiality was really something we came up with in a college sex education class, between showings of educational porn films. But hey, I participated. In the class, not the film.

Mandatory A-League Content (TotW #95)

Compare & Contrast of the Century
(As voted on by TotW's editorial staff)

5. "The new Soccer America is tremendous ..." "... very impressive." "Awesome!" "... GREAT ..." "Tremendous!" (The 'FanSpeak' letters-to-the-editor section of the magazine which was four days late this week despite now being a bi-weekly. Geezus, it sounds like Rex Reed and Gene Shalit reviewing some godawful boring, bloated Hollywood romance movie like 'Titanic'.)

   The botched, non-proofread Soccer America U.S. Keeper Comparison. (TotW #97)

   ---

4. The Minnesota Timberwolves were caught red-handed cheating on the NBA's salary cap in negotiating two contracts with Joe Smith (one public, that was sent to the NBA offices and one private that was intended to be undisclosed). As a result, not only has Joe Smith's contract been voided, but the T-wolves have lost *five* first-round draft-picks. This, in essence, relegates them to the status of also-rans for a significant period of time, perhaps a decade. The punishment was severe for a number of reasons, but one of the biggest was that by circumventing the salary cap, the T-wolves would have gained an unfair advantage over the other teams in the league, calling into question the fundamental essence of sport -- that all teams are competing on a level playing field. The contrast with MLS, where the league office actively facilitates and encourages such cheating to directly impact the standings table, could not be greater and points out everything I believe is wrong with the way the league is currently run. MLS appears to be alone in the entire sporting world in believing that you can undercut fair and transparent competition without undercutting the credibility of the sport and the league. (Soccernethost) (TotW #75)

   ---

3. Cameroon started a 16-year old keeper in the Olympics, while a 17-year old reserve was the hero of Cameroon's epic 2:1 two-man short, quarterfinal victory over Brazil. Cameroon won the gold medal.

   The US risked nothing, substituted rarely, and started Conor Casey, the coach's pet, in every match, leaving 18-year old wünderkind Landon Donovan to catch splinters in his ass. The US didn't win shit. (TotW #73)

   ---

2. "If anything goes bad, I did it. If anything goes semi-good, then we did it. If anything goes real good, then you did it. That's all it takes to get people to win football games for you." (Bear Bryant, who rarely lost at anything)

   "The formation wasn't the problem. The problem was that the defenders were sleeping in their positions ... When the team loses, the coach loses too." (Barcelona manager Louis van Gaal after his side crashed out of the Champions League to unfancied Valencia; van Gaal was fired after losing the Spanish league a week later.) (TotW #56)

   ---

   And the Comparison of the Century is ...

1. "This league will help develop a whole new group of leaders who aren't tainted by the politics [within the administration of United States soccer]. This league will set us free, and provide a great place for so many others to develop." (US international Carla Overbeck on the Women's United Soccer Association)

   "Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new bureaucracy." (Franz Kafka) (TotW #57)

Separated at Birth of the Century
(As voted on by TotW's editorial staff)

Proving that soccer players really do have the wierdest haircuts ...
#5

	Wade Barrett M, SJ Clash
	Eddie Munster & Woof-Woof

(TotW #18)

---

#4

	Fabien Barthez Man U / France keeper
	Kazoo pre-historic space traveller

(TotW #65)

---

#3

	Tom Presthus GK, DC United
	Reverend Jim Ignatowski cab-driving burnout

(TotW #16)

---

#2

Francisco Franco Spain Dictator Still Dead	Ferdinand Marcos Phillipine Dictator Henpecked Husband	Francisco Marcos USL Dictator Soccer Purist

(TotW #42)

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And the #1 set of long-lost twins is ...

	Eric Cantona Le God
Separated at Birth?
	Marlon Brando The Godfather

(TotW #68)

Hero of the Century
(As voted on by TotW's editorial staff)

Lest people say we are always negative, we say 'nee!'. Oh, and we also cite heroes when they are so deserving of honor:

15. Mike Ammann: Defied MLS attempt to treat him like a slave. (TotW #84)

14. Jurgen Klinsmann: Quit the game to spend time with his family. (TotW #42)

13. Alexi Lalas: Signed an autograph for my son. (TotW #22)

12. Brandi Chastain: Scored the winning goal in the final of Womens World Cup '99. (TotW #22)

11. Kalin Bankov: Put family and freedom before money. Unfortunately, after being cut by TB Mutiny, he signed for the moose-screwing Minnesota Thunder. But we will ignore that gross indiscretion. (TotW #50)

10. Kasey Keller & Joe-Max Moore: For their performance in 1:0 win against Argentina. (TotW #20)

9. Monopolies and Mergers Commission: Denied Rupert Murdoch's Manchester United takeover. (TotW #10)

8. Martin Froeberg & William ten Brink: Dutch journalists who refused to snitch their sources to the government. (TotW #79)

7. Hristo Stoitchkov: Did not blame the refs after the Fire lost the MLS Cup final. (TotW #73)

6. Earnie Stewart & Clint Mathis: For their performance in World Cup win away to Honduras. (TotW #90)

5. Calais: 4th Division side gave 1st division Nantes the scare of their lives in the French Cup final before succumbing 1:2 on bogus PK. (TotW #55)

4. Paraguay: Handed Brazil it's second ever World Cup qualifying loss. (TotW #63)

3. Lower Division US Teams: Richmond Kickers, Chicago Sockers, the amateurs of FC Uruguay, and especially Mid-Michigan Bucks for their Open Cup runs against MLS teams. (TotW #59, 64)

2. Connecticut Wolves: Encourage fans to make their own noise. (TotW #56)

   By a landslide, the Hero of the Century is ...

1. Werner Fricker: Brought World Cup '94 to the United States. (TotW #97)

THE DAY TAB RAMOS SIGNED(To the tune of "American Pie") A long long time ago I can still remember how the Cosmos used to play But some billionaire's saw their chance Knew they could make us supporters dance And maybe we'd be happy for awhile Charlie's mustache seemed to quiver With every foreigner he delivered Bad news on the doorstep Lothar wants one more cap I can't remember if I sighed When I saw Lothar's teenage bride But something hurt me deep inside The day Tab Ramos signed Did you dial the call-in show Did you complain on the radio And have the DJ tell you where to go Do you believe what Subotnick said It's not the same crap all over again When Vega was too fat and real slow We all knew Sunil was in love with him But not with Kerry Zavagnin The match kicked off to boos Man, I dug Sasa's tatoos There was a lonely fan in the upper deck Hiding his face with a paper sack Because he knew he was out of luck The day Tab Ramos signed He started singin' {Refrain} Bye, bye Nansha Kalonji Drove my Chevy over Leahy And Leahy just died Them borough boys were dissin' Foudy and Ty Singing this will be the day that I die For ten year's we'd been on our own Til the Metros came to Hoffa's home When El Ferry played in New Jersey In a kit he borrowed from Pele And moves that stunned you & me Oh, and while the Kluge was looking down Donadoni snuck out of town Metros supporters were spurned While its players got carpet burns Do you recall who was the narc When the quartet practiced in the park And we drank Guinness in the dark The day Tab Ramos signed We were singing {Refrain} What the hell's this silly crap Some lawyers call the "Super Draft" Sasa's high and rollin' fast Oh, Tanque's shot landed in the stands The Galaxy ventured a forward pass But Palacios put Cobi in a cast The halftime restrooms need more ventilation No toilet paper's an aggravation We all queued up to piss And the floor was wet cause some guy missed When the players tried to take the field The cheerleaders refused to yield Who won the Supporter's Shield? The day Tab Ramos signed We started singing {Refrain} There were forwards with no pace And midfielders with no sense of space With no time left to start again Lexi be nimble, Lexi be quick Meola ate all my sausage sticks While Branco took some savage kicks And as I watched Diaz-Arce on the tube I screamed in rage, "We were screwed!" No angel born in hell Could break Stillitano's spell And as the score reached 0-8 I saw Satan laughing with delight The day Tab Ramos signed He was singing {Refrain} I met an Ultra who hurled abuse And I asked him for some allocation news He just slurred and stumbled away I went down to the Jersey shore Where I'd seen footy played before But security said the drummers couldn't play And in the stands the children screamed While supporters cried, and their parents dreamed But not a word was spoken Young Americans were just tokens And the three players I admire most Ezra, Roy and Gio's ghost They got traded by the dolts The day Tab Ramos signed And they were singing {Refrain} (TotW #46) (c) 2004 By Preston McMurry. Distribute freely.

And finally this week's main event, the creme de la crap, the

Turd of the Century
(As voted on by TotW's editorial staff)

There have been 90-some odd different weekly turds cited during the last two and a half years. (Not counting weeks we've taken off, or -- mirable dictu! -- those rare weeks when there was not a single purple-headed pecker worth racking up. In this case -- with such a plethora of peanut butter, with so many turds in the cistern -- we cannot help but pick a Top 25:

Umbro's new 'Celtic' shirt.

25. Umbro: The Celtic shirt makers, apparently Rangers moles, were cited for ditching the club's hallowed hoops in favor of mundane stripes, thus crapping on nearly a century of tradition. (TotW #85)

24. Scotland Police: Toadying up to the English, they banned that most Scottish of symbols -- the bagpipe -- from a Scotland-England match. (TotW #33)

23. Jeff Carron: The Fox Point, Wisconsin, school board president and his wussy colleagues -- safety Nazis all -- mandated that all scholastic soccer players in the village wear helmets. Seriously. (TotW #61)

22. Thomas Rongen: Still the DC United coach, and still losing. (Last night it was 4:0 to San Jose.) You know, the team used to actually be halfways decent. (TotW #69)

21. Galatasaray: People unfortunately die all the time, and sometimes even die in and around soccer matches, but there aren't too many clubs that actually encourage assaults on visiting supporters. Galatasaray is one. (TotW #51)

20. Moron Judges: Having the IQ of a protozoa must be a prerequisite for putting on a black robe. Judges put in regular appearances in TotW, inevitably putting their heads up their asses as well. David Russell allowed a kid in a walker to play soccer (accompanied by an adult to ward off other players); Justice Blackburne allowed Newcastle to breach a contract with its season ticket holders, jobbing them out of seats they had already paid for; and C.N. Clevert for all intents and purposes copyrighted the word "referee". (TotW #37, 48, 86)

19. MLS Competition Committee: Thankfully many of MLS's more bizarre and experimental rules have been done away with the last two years, but this panel of pinheads were responsible for worst abomination of all: the crapshoot. (TotW #32)

18. Soccer America: More poorly edited than most fan e-zines and so late, so often, that you could set a sun dial by it. (TotW #4, 17, 95)

17. Nazi Colleges Against Athletes - NCAA: These gangsters prevent athletes from making a living while in college, so they can in turn leech off the athlete's efforts. Not to mention which, they inhibit and delay the development of American professional players, the inevitable result of which is the US having good U-17 teams, but mediocre U-20 teams. In this case they were cited for the travesty of a field -- smothered in more logos than a stock car -- that they foisted on their finals. (TotW #54)

16. Nicolas Anelka: There's gang bangers doing life at San Quentin with better attitudes than jolly St. Nick. (TotW #41, 49)

15. Betty Montgomery: The Ohio attorney general and finger-testing-the-political-winds opportunist anti-smoking Nazi strong-armed MLS into shitting on one of its few sponsors, Phillip Morris, and then had the gall to claim bleeding-from-the-butthole Phillip Morris had "voluntarily" withdrawn its cigarette ads from MLS's programs. (TotW #16)

    Europe's new transfer plan

14. European Union: The unelected, unaccountable, pocket-picking Eurocrats implemented a system that allows players to break contracts, but two years ago also removed nationality as a criteria for playing on national teams. (TotW #20)

13. Lennart Johannsen: Johannsen was just TotW's second ever dishonoree (for proposing more referees, one of our pet peeves). He or UEFA, the European football body which he rules, have been cited three times since: For fining Leeds for its behavior while losing a cup match wherein their opponent, Galatasaray, openly encouraged violence against Leeds supporters; for not allowing tiny Brann to play its UEFA Cup match on its own grounds; and in a throw back to the early days of football, proposing a wage cap on players because teams are unable to control their own profligate behavior. (TotW #2, 52, 84, 96)

12. Disney / ESPN: Another tarnished example of the dubious benefits arising from corporate "synergy". (What next, Fat Boy Berman as the voice of Ariel in Little Mermaid 3: Ariel Does a Dolphin? Goofy doing another endless round of baseball lowlights on Sports Center?) And therein lies the problem: Disney's many nefarious tentacles, of which ESPN is the largest, disrespect soccer. Disney's first citation was for 49 of its ABC TV stations pre-empting a US Womens match against Canada -- the match in which Mia Hamm broke the record for international goals -- pre-empting it in favor of a charity begathon. Its second citation was for its ESPN Zone saloon showing "Married With Children" re-runs during a rained delayed baseball game -- that no one was watching anyway -- rather than the US men against Guatemala. In the immortal words of some long forgotten New York punk band, "I hate Disneyland. Mickey wouldn't shake my hand. Mickey Mouse is a rat. Mickey Mouse is a rat." (TotW #19, 63)

    Ivan the Terrible MLS Personnel Czar

11. Ivan Gazidis: MLS's personnel czar decides who will play where for how much. He is a one-man contract clearing house, despite what the Taxachusetts antitrust judge said. Among his many shady dealings, the worst by far was raping LA Galaxy's roster so they could sign Luis Hernandez, the dirty proceeds then being sent to the MetroStars, who used the miraculously acquired players to turn around their own club. Look honey! The tooth fairy left Clint Mathis under our pillow! Ivan the Terrible continues to maneuver players from the shadows, while treating the public that pays his healthy paycheck like they are the enemy, undeserving of information or even respect. (TotW #56, 66, 72)

10. Clive Charles: Despite starting his coach's pet, Conor 'Clive Jr' Casey, the US Olympic coach somehow managed to reach the Olympic semifinals. The US should have medalled. Landon Donovan is leading San Jose's emergence as MLS's top team, while Conor Casey ... Whatever happened to him anyway? (TotW #71)

9. Massachusetts State Police: Now we know why the Kennedy's keep getting away with murdering coeds or child-molesting babysitters: Because Taxachusetts finest stormtroopers are busy with more important matters like arresting soccer fans for having a few pre-match brewskis. (TotW #39)

8. Australia: The bullies from Down Under have never won crap, never beaten anyone tougher than them when it mattered, yet like bullies everywhere stoke their undeserved, delusional self-esteem by beating up on 90-pound weaklings. In this case, American Samoa by a score of 31:0. That is not a misprint. The score was not 3:1. Australia scored thirty-one goals in one match. In soccer, not cricket. Which is hardly cricket. (TotW #91)

   Matthãus displays shirt with Stillitano's IQ

7. Charlie Stillitano: Stillitano took MLS's most important franchise, in the largest TV market in the United States, with a soccer-savvy fanbase, and sank it lower than whale crap at the bottom of the ocean. Stillitano clinched his Turd Emeritus status by signing Oldfart Matthãus, perhaps the worst international in MLS history. The club was only saved by the personal miracle of Our Lord & Savior, Clint Mathis. (TotW #21, 38)

6. Luis Hernandez: While Oldfart was the worst signing, El Mierdador was the most sordid. MLS had to make up new rules to break to secure Blondie's Juan Hancock. That trust was repaid with an 18-month lack of goals and excess of attitude that has only within the past month seen a turn for the better. But he is still a diving hack. (TotW #82, 87)

5. Francisco Marcos: Apparently the hearts of A-League supporters are not filled with a great deal of love for the United Soccer Leagues president. (The USL is the umbrella organization for America's lower tier divisions, which includes the second division A-league.) Marcos has experimented with blue cards, larger nets, short corner kicks, Designated Makeup Games, minigames, shootout attempts during the game for certain penalties, and point systems you had to see to believe. (TotW #36, 42)

   "You deserve the award more than I do." "No, you deserve it. I insist."

4. Diego Maradona: The best, and worst, thing you could say about Maradona is that he is one of a kind. If he doesn't die soon, his reputation as a lout, a boor, and an addict will outweigh his legend as a player. What has he done in just the past two and a half years? Oh, have a coke induced heart attack, skip his own testimonial, get high then crash his SUV while in rehab, fail to show up for his first coaching job, and walk out on FIFA's Player of the Century gala. (TotW #43, 78)

3. Doug Logan: The Centrifuge -- famous for spinning any situation until threads of feces glittered like gold -- as MLS's first president laid the foundation for everything 1st Division soccer is in the US today. Which is why he is here. (TotW #11, 23)

2. Soccer Parents: If you were spending this fine saturday outside at a soccer pitch watching yuppie spawn play, you would understand why their parents are ranked so poorly. Besides being myopic morons who truly have no clue about the sport -- "Boot it! Just boot it!" -- they ruin the fun for everyone around them, including their own kids; they sue to get their literally brain-damaged kids on teams; they "joke" about killing refs who aren't much older than the players; and occasionally they actually try to kill each other. (TotW #37, 53, 70, 73)

   Finally ...

   By the biggest landslide of all ...

   The biggest bam of TotW's first 100 issues ...

   The Turd of the Century is ...

   The 11th Labor of Blatter

1. Sepp Blatter: Really, could it be anyone else? We could cite FIFA's president nine weeks out of ten, but that would get boring. It's like, why bother giving a speeding ticket to a serial killer? Blatter is such a prolific bungler that he recieved more TotC votes than Doug Logan and Soccer Parents combined! Two-thirds of TotW's editorial staff rated him their biggest turd. (We have to admit that one editor -- Anthony Calabrese -- didn't rate Blatter at all. We are having his head examined. It's covered by TotW's medical plan.) Besides receiving TotW citations for experimenting with the two referee system, instant replay and distance penalties; the unified world soccer calendar; interfering in the political affairs of sovereign nations (especially those whose FA chiefs are Blatter vassals such as Brazil); and whoring the World Cup to now-bankrupt Blatter backers ISL ... Blatter also created the World Club Championship fiasco; proposed the truly daft biennial World Cup; awarded a World Cup to two hosts who hate each other (Korea and Japan); almost awarded a World Cup to a crime-ridden country slowly sliding into anarchy (South Africa); proposed quotas on foreign players; bungled transfer plan negotiations with the European Union; expounded on the evil's of nandrolone while in the same speech saying he wanted to hire 'Dime Bag' Diego Maradona as FIFA's director of fitness (!); used FIFA funds to compensate the victims of government perpetrated violence at soccer matches; tried to force the consolidation of Britain's independent Olympic soccer teams; and bollixed the Player of the Century vote. And after all that -- I'm sure we haven't covered the half of it -- he actually had the gall to announce his candidacy for re-election! (TotW #5, 8, 76, 92)

TotW 2001 Archive

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