Turd of the Week (#72)

	Turd of the Week
10/14/00

Indulge

Real-ly in Debt: Real Madrid, already $271 million in the hole, are now negotiating with Rivaldo's agent for the rights to the Barcelona forward. If they signed the Brazilian -- no doubt for a world record fee millions greater than the last mountain of dubloons they dropped on Figo, crushing the poor lad in the process -- Real would surpass the US national debt.

Bruce Arena: Play Landon Donovan in Barbados!

Weekly Blotter

Preston McMurry, TotW editor, sealing off Zakhu border crossing

From Green Bay to the Persian Gulf:
The 432nd Civil Affairs Company in Operation Desert Storm

Zakhu (Iraq): Zakhu and Dohuk supporters brawled, burned cars, and looted shops, after a dustup between the players from the two teams. Turkey, a mere five miles away, closed its border to the Kurdish enclave. 20 arrests, 15 casualties, and the US still flying air cover 10 years after the Gulf War.
Pirouzi (Iran): Amir Abedini, a club director, was fined and received a suspended jail sentence for using $60,000 in public money from the mines & metals ministry to prop up the ailing club. (Not that it did much good, as Pirouzi were forced to sell $660,000 Karim Bagheri to Premier League Charlton.)
Belgrade (Yugoslavia): Red Star were fined $23,000 for their supporters' flair strikes on Leicester City supporters during the UEFA Cup match held in neutral Vienna. No word if Europe will fine itself for dropping somewhat larger ordinance during across the width and breadth of Yugoslavia.
Buenos Aires (Argentina): The Argentine government finally took a stand -- small though it was -- against the Barra Bravas, arresting one of Rosario Central's hooligans for shooting at the team's headquarters. 'Paquito' Ferreyra, previously convicted for arson against the club, was taken into custody after several eyewitnesses fingered him for the shooting. Nothing noteworthy in most countries, arresting thugs that is, but amazing in a country where soccer hooligans' finances and violence have cowed both league and government officials for years.
Istanbul (Turkey): Apparently it is one of the costs of doing business, but UEFA whacked Galatasaray with their monthly fine, this time $29,000 for handing out hundreds of toilet rolls for fans to throw during their Champions League match against Rangers. Apparently Celtic aren't the only ones who think Rangers are shite.
Kosice (Slovakia): UEFA also 1FC Kosice $23,000 crowd trouble after their UEFA Cup match Austrian side Graz AK, despite Slovakia having a government every bit as unpleasant, if not as aggressive or defiant, as Yugoslavia's.
Lodz (Poland): Riot police fired 'warning shots' in the air to disperse 'troublemakers' prior to a World Cup qualifer against Belarus. No arrest figures, no casualty figures, so one can only assume that the only crime being committed was that the assembled horde did not suck the cops Polish sausage, asking "How high?" when they were told to jump. 'Cruise Missile' Bill Clinton and Tony 'Bomber Harris' Blair immediately ordered the razing of Warsaw to end Poland's ethnic cleansing. A statement read by an animatronic presidental press secretary puppet oddly resembling a sentient human being said that "We have to destroy Warsaw to save it."
Moscow (Russia): UEFA fined CSKA $11,500 for the misdeed of their miniscule support at their UEFA Cup match in Denmark against Viborg. The 20 CSKA supporters, set off firecrackers and flares, fought in the stands, and generally behaved as if they were in Chechnya, far away from any NATO reprisal.
Piraeus (Greece): UEFA fined Olympiakos $28,000 for its supporters misdeeds during Champions League matches against France's Olympique Lyon and Dutch side Heerenveen. I know the Greeks and Serbs are traditional allies, but isn't this taking the vengence thing a little too far?
Next Week: The Football Confederation Formerly Known As CONCACAF fines Grenada for the US invasion in 1983, and FIFA boots Panama from World Cup qualifiers for the US invasion in 1989.

Bruce Arena: Play Landon Donovan in Barbados!

Quote of the Week: "The coach should keep out of the way ... He is an important figure, of course, but is more likely to lose a match than win it. Matches are won by players." (Romario)

Bruce Arena: Play Landon Donovan in Barbados!

Don't get your hopes up yet: Brazil, post-Luxemburgo, defeated Venezuela 6:0. Quite the accomplishment one would think, except Venezuela is the South American equivalent of Wales, as demonstrated by 34-year old Romario, who scored four goals despite having to push a walker around the pitch.

Bruce Arena: Play Landon Donovan in Barbados!

Quit while your ahead, pt. I: Candinho, Brazil's national team coach, resigned with a perfect 100% record in international competition. Having already been turned down by Felipe 'Big Phil' Scolari, and numerous less prestigious candidates, CBF president and chief weasel Ricardo Texeira is rumored to be considering a Sao Paolo street urchin for the position.

Bruce Arena: Play Landon Donovan in Barbados!

Scottish Romario: Forfar midfielder Dave Bowman notched four in a match against Berwick Rangers. Quite the accomplishment for a quadrant of the football galaxy not known for shining like Betelgeuse, or even Bebeto. Unfortunately, Forfar lost 3:5. "How can this be?" you ask. Easy, Bowman did not net four goals -- of course not, Forfar is currently in the relegation zone of Scotland's 3rd level -- he achieved the uniquely impossible, receiving four red cards in one match. Bowman was first sent off for a second caution, then received three more red cards for foul & abusive language. The fact is, the referee ought not have continued the match, after the first red card, until Bowman was in the dressing room -- assuming Forfar has a dressing room. But apparently Bowman's mommy and daddy were not present and so Forfar's coach feared Bowman would be kidnapped or molested if forced to wait in the car park.

Bruce Arena: Play Landon Donovan in Barbados!

Quit while you are ahead, pt. II: All the violence in Leeds UEFA Cup match in Turkey last month refreshingly occured on the pitch instead of in the streets as Besiktas striker Pascal Nouma run several meters to strike (how appropriate) Leeds defender Danny Mills. Nouma was not even in the match at the time, having been substituted, so he should have considered himself lucky to escape with only a three match ban. But no. Instead he chose to appeal the decision because obviously it wasn't his fault. UEFA rejected the appeal and raised the ban to four matches. Haha.

Bruce Arena: Play Landon Donovan in Barbados!

Hero of the Week: We suppose it is a pathetic sign of the times when a Daddy Warbucks team chairman garners this honor merely for not raising ticket prices, but this week's hero is Mohamed al Fayed. Fayed, is probably best known for being the father of Dodi, who shtupped Princess Di before going up in flames with her in a Paris car crash reminiscent of so many hackneyed 1950's tragic lovers pop songs. Fulham, with a perfect 27 points in nine matches, have the inside track for promotion in just their second 1st Division season. Fayed may not be able to buy himself British citizenship, but he's bought himself a fine side, and managed to rid himself of Kevin Keegan in the process. Fayed is thus a hero in more ways than one.

Bruce Arena: Play Landon Donovan in Barbados!

Beckham snit fit of the Week: The always even-tempered Sir Posh was fined a whopping $5,700 (or a roughly a days wages) by UEFA for "clear dissent" after spitting in the direction of the referee near the end of Manchester United's 1:3 Champions League defeat to PSV Eindhoven. (Ugly British defeats in Holland go back to even before Euro 2000, all the way to 1945, and the "Bridge too Far".) If it weren't for soccer, Beckham would be the sort of yob banned from travelling to England away matches. Instead, he is the sort of yob chosen by brain-damaged England coaches to be the national team vice-captain.

Bruce Arena: Play Landon Donovan in Barbados!

Compare & Contrast

"I'd like the job for the next 10 years."
(Kevin Keegan, prior to Euro 2000)
"I feel I fall short of what is required in this massive job."
(Kevin Keegan after losing 0:1 to Germany.)

They always die in threes: First Vialli was sacked by Chelsea, then Luxemburgo was sacked by Brazil, and now Kevin Keegan walked the plank of HMS Domitable. One would think that playing for a coach whose sole qualification is that he is a 'great motivator', against their traditional rival, in the last match ever to be played at Wembley, site of their greatest soccer triumph, England would come out fired up. But no. A lackluster performance saw England lose 0:1 to the Germans, when the English -- especially David 'I'm so old I only have one sperm in my' Seaman -- were inexplicably unprepared for a free kick from just outside the area. At least Keegan did the honorable thing, falling on his sword, though one is left to wonder why he didn't do so after Euro 2000. As Keir Radnedge wrote on Goalnetwork.com, "Certainly, to go in between England's initial two World Cup qualifiers was crass. Keegan was right: he was not up to the job. The confused manner of his departure merely proved the point." Prior to England's mid-week match against lowly Finland, interim coach Howard Wilkinson ordered super size fries and chocolate shake, and England to play with more pride. England drew 0:0.

Twin arches to replace Wembley's twin towers
TotW (11/20/99)

The new Wembley Stadium
(artist's rendering)

LONDON, Nov 15 (Reuters) - Wembley's twin towers are to be replaced by a twin arches when the famous stadium is rebuilt, its developers revealed on Monday.

The 133-metre arches have been designed by architect Norman Foster (Hamburger U., Class of '67) as part of plans for a 90,000-seater multi-menu food emporium.

"They are triumphant arches," rumbled Lord Foster (Hamburger U., Professor Emeritus of Ketchupology), the architect responsible for the giant revolving pepperoni pizza atop the historic Reichstag in Berlin.

Earlier plans to replace the landmark twin towers with four 153-metre masts were dropped after complaints from the public and media.

"The twin arches are much more tasteful," said local resident Quinton Dudley-Farquhar IV. "Much like McDonald's zesty burgers and ice cold shakes."

Work will start next year on the new stadium, which is the centre point for England's campaign to host the 2006 World Cup finals, plus a convention of drunken, lecherous McDonald's franchisees intent on giving drive-thru teenage ordertakers their "Big Mac" and "special sauce".

Bruce Arena: Play Landon Donovan in Barbados!

Slam of the Week: "The Germans played like Germany again, something after a surprise after their pathetic display in Euro 2000. But this was a classical German performance. Good technique, solid passing, plenty of movement, well organized, intelligent. What a difference it makes when you kick Lothar Matthaus out." (Dave Bowler, MatchDayUSA.com)

Bruce Arena: Play Landon Donovan in Barbados!

Wenger a Whinger: The French are masters of many refined practices: Cooking. Art. Making love. Whinging. What sort of barbaric trade would English football be without the French to teach them how to moan, and cry and feel persecuted? Unfortunately, the benighted backwaters of Britain do not get to benefit from this social largesee as all the French missionaries seem to be concentrated in North London, at Arsenal. Even by coaching standards, Arsene Wenger is near-sighted, never having seen any misbehavior by his players, not even when Patrick Vieira cuts down opponents with a 122 cc Leatherface autograph model chainsaw. It only follows then that Wenger also missed his own misconduct, when he threatened and pushed official Paul Taylor after a match against Sunderland two months ago. Or maybe it's senility. Or maybe he really was trying to prevent violence -- for the first time in his career -- between his players and Sunderland. Right. Either way, Wenger got waxed, receiving a 12-match ban and record $160,000 fine from the FA. Wenger's sensitive sensibilities were so wounded that he ruled himself out of the running for the England job. Thank God. That's all England needs: A coach who when England inevitably lose, cries about it.

Bruce Arena: Play Landon Donovan in Barbados!

Crybaby of the Week: Union Minas coach Jose Torres. "Everyone knows that Union is a small club, but now we are in the top four, they are always sending off our players, I don't know why they don't let us progress," waahed coach Torres. It seems the referee had abandoned the Union Minas-Sports Boys match one minute before halftime for "collective rebellion" after being accosted by a throng of angry Union players. (The referee had allowed Sport Boys to retake a penalty.) Union also received three red cards.

Bruce Arena: Play Landon Donovan in Barbados!

Innumerate of the Week: Joe Donnatelli, of the Scripps Howard News Service, for stating in his "Garber feels good about MLS' future" article that "... only 13.3 million people attended MLS games this year ..." Only? Only??? Bwa ... bwa ... HAHAHAHAHA! *wipe tears from eyes* I don't know which is worse, the "only", or the 13.3 million. MLS has 12 teams, each team plays 32 matches, each match features -- oddly enough -- two teams: That means there were 192 MLS matches this year. I don't know about you, but just off the top of my head that's got to be a an average larger than MLS drew to its best selling match of the year. Whip out the old calculator ... *tap* *tap* *tap* ... 69,270 ... point 8. Hell, that may be more than Miami's total for the season. TotW will grant MLS spinmeister Dan Courtemanche the half person, making it 69,271, except MLS own web site states total league attendance as 1/5th of Donnatelli's figure: 2,641,085.

Bruce Arena: Play Landon Donovan in Barbados!

Another straw on the camel's back: TotW wonders how The Garb feels about ABC cutting four of six MLS matches from its 2001 schedule, leaving only the all-star farce and MLS Cup on a major broadcast network. Granted, MLS couldn't draw flies, eeking out a 0.7 rating that absolute dead last among all ABC shows, even "The Geena Davis Show". That is lower than whale shit on the bottom of the ocean. ABC bastard child ESPN and evil twin espn2 will still carry matches, right? Maybe, maybe not. But even if they do, MLS may owe its advertisers 'make good' time, or even cash, for failing to produce the ratings they charged the advertisers for. "Discussions with our broadcast partners are ongoing," said MLS marketing malpractitioner Mark Noonan, while feverishly stroking the trouser trout of ABC vice president Mark Mandel. "Our business discussions with our partners are not for public consumption," gasped Mandel, between gritted teeth, before hastily closing his office door. "We might not have a league, but I can tell you the 2001 MLS Cup and 2001 All-Star Game will be on ABC. Everything else we're hoping for," said MLS PR honcho and chief shit shiner Dan Courtemanche, while buckling his pants. The bow-legged Courtemanche then gingerly exitted the news conference.

Bruce Arena: Play Landon Donovan in Barbados!

I warned you! "The knock with the MLS early on was, 'The play is kind of mediocre'," said Columbus Jim Smith. *twitch* "Now we're gaining respect on the field and internationally by guys going back to their homeland and saying, 'Hey, the MLS ..." Argh! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM-BLAM! BLAM! BLAM-BLAM-BLAM! Goddammit, I told you'd I'd go postal the next time someone used MLS as an adjective and not a proper noun.

Bruce Arena: Play Landon Donovan in Barbados!

My next postal delivery: "All of these calls are very close, but if a call or two would have gone our way, it would have been a different story." (MetroStars coach Octavio Zambrano after losing to Chicago) I swear to Christ I am sick and tired of coaches and players wheeling out that lame excuse like a senile grandparent on the 4th of July. Coulda, woulda and shoulda don't mean shit. You know what, Octavio? If a few more calls had gone against you, you would have lost even worse.

Ivan Gazidis
Tool of Satan

Bruce Arena: Play Landon Donovan in Barbados!

A funny thing happened on the way to MLS Cup ... Neither Los Angeles, the team looted by MLS in return for acquiring the dubious 'services' of Luis 'el Mierdador' Hernandez, nor the MetroStars, the pawnshop who laundered the ill-gotten gains, made the Cup final. Los Angeles fell to Kansas City in one semifinal, scoring only two goals in three matches (none by Hernandez), while being shut out twice. The MetroStars -- MLS personnel czar Ivan 'the Terrible' Gazidis's pet team -- put on a better showing than Los Angeles in the other semi, as they should have, but still fell in three matches to Chicago. Chicago has MLS's best offense, Kansas City it's best defense. The Cup final thus features an irrestible force versus an immovable object. TotW predicts ... The match ending 0:0 after regular and extratime ... but Bob Gansler doing the A-League/MLS double, Kansas City winning on pk's. Chicago dare not win, lest they have Maradona foisted on them in return for 'trading' Armas, Wolff and Stoitchkov to the MetroStars. For failing to take advantage of their many Satan-given gifts, and for failing to fulfill their official MLS-mandated destiny:

MetroStars

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