Turd of the Week
8/28/99

Is it just me ...

... or does the LA Galaxy mascot look like a turd going down the tube?

Quieroz gets canned: Carlos Quieroz was sacked as coach of the United Arab Emirates after losing to Palestine 0:1. Palestine, minnows even by Asian standards, are currently ranked 191 by FIFA, 127 places below UAE (and 10 below mighty Vanuatu). Perhaps it was giant killers Palestine that the AFC had in mind for their fifth spot at World Cup '02?

Collymore takes a licking ... "During Saturday's 0-0 draw with Fulham, big bruising centre-half Andy Morrison was despatched to the early bath by referee Paul Rejer for committing an offence on the delightful personage of Stanley Collymore. Did he hack Stan down while the mighty forward was clear through on goal? No. Perhaps he showed Mr.C naughty pictures of Ms. Ulrika Jonsson? Nope. Perhaps he incited violence by telling Stanley 'cheer up mate, it might never happen!' Not at all. The crime was far more heinous. Morrison had the temerity to lick the end of Stanley's nose. Quite why anyone would want to lick the end of anything attached to Stan -- no giggling at the back -- is anyone's guess, but it hardly classifies as violent conduct." (Dave Bowler, Team Talk)

Speaking of which ...

Quote of the Week

Pigtail Hooligan: "Dear Cindy, I was wondering how you can head ... so aggressively and long. Every time I try, I end up hurting my head and it gives me a really bad headache."

Cindy Parlow, US international: "Heading takes a lot of practice. Heading has everything to do with technique and timing. It definitely hurts if you head it the wrong way."

20 Things Only Other Clubs Do

1) Dive
2) Hack
3) Fake injuries
4) Yell abuse at opponents
5) Yell abuse at each other
6) Spread rumors
7) Steal players
8) Steal coaches
9) Take bribes
10) Embezzle club funds
11) Fix tournaments
12) Fix regular matches
13) Fix the schedule
14) Fail to mow pitch
15) Fail to mark pitch
16) Fail to replace dangerous goals
17) Fail to fix the toilets
18) Wear ugly uniforms
19) Have ugly mothers
20) Have shit that don't stink

I swear to God, this is true: Irish midfielder Ronnie O'Brien was voted Time Magazine's "Person of the Century", trumping a wizened midget known for spreading hope, and a half-brained whore known for spreading syphilis: Mother Theresa and John F. Kennedy. Not even the most fervent Juventus supporter (for whom Ronnie is currently employed) would believe that O'Brien's benchside exhortations were that important to the squad's Champions League semifinal appearance. With apologies to the Holy Mother, how then did this miracle come to pass? "When the system crashes, it scrambles results," said a Time editor. "But there's no sign that a huge number of people logged on to power him up the list." Not even the most-crooked Chicago politician could have stacked the vote that high.

Fun Facts: Since a one-week break at the beginning of August, the RotMasters have lost six games in three weeks by a combined score of 5:18. Good thing they signed Lothar Matthãus. (As Jeff Rusnak wrote in the Sun-Sentinel, "If he can make the woeful New York/New Jersey MetroStars watchable, let alone respectable, he will have done plenty.")

FLURRY OF Matthãus MARKETING INTEREST

"John Rea's Dirty Shorts" is the site this column originally appeared on, but it was so funny I had to pinch it. The news that aging German football star Lothar Matthãus will be playing for the New York/New Jersey MetroStars next year has sparked a flurry of marketing industry interest in the Major League Soccer franchise. But while soccer is a game normally associated with youth, in the case of Matthãus, 53 years old next month, his longevity in the game has added a profitable niche revenue stream to MLS marketeers. According to MetroStars GM Charlie Stillinajob, the club has had talks with a number of companies with a view to exploiting Matthãus' "mature" image. The ailing franchise is desperately seeking ways to boost revenues in response to ghastly attendance figures and complete lack of interest in the team from the local community. "We hope to sign a footwear deal with a leading orthopedic cleat manufacturer by the end of the week," said Stillinajob from his New Jersey office, adding that the capture of the former German national team captain has prompted sponsorship interest from hair-growth potion makers Rogaine, supplement specialists Centrum Silver, and bumslip plastipant face-saver Depends. The signing last week was heavily criticized by fans and pundits alike, something Stillinajob acknowledges. "This club has a history of buying expensive foreign players at the twilight of their careers and giving them carte blanche to fuck things up before they leave with a wad at the end of their first season." Any question of Matthãus emerging as soccer spokesman for greybeard erection wonder drug Viagra were quashed when manufacturer Pfizer revealed they already have an exclusive contract with Alexi Lalas.

More good Gardner slams: "Major League Soccer. MLS. Make that MLs. Marketers, Lawyers -- and the afterthought with the lower-case 's', soccer ... Subotnick went further in belittling the idea of a soccer expert, saying that 'we don't want that kind of person leading this enterprise, that's a recipe for disaster.' The marketers will be in charge ... Useful thought: alongside its RICO (Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations) statute, I encourage the U.S. government to add the MICO, which would investigate Marketeer Influenced and Confused Organizations."

Common sense from a European court: The Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS) upheld a UEFA rule that soccer clubs under common ownership may not take part in UEFA competitions starting next season. The CAS said UEFA's rule did not violate European Union competition laws, and that "when commonly controlled clubs take part in the same competition, the public might perceive such a situation as presenting a conflict of interest potentially affecting the authenticity of sporting rules." Think MLs commissioner Don 'Shemp' Garber might want to have a word or two with his sugar daddies?

Lalas to Leicester? That is properly pronounced "Lalas to Lester" to get the full alliterative effect. Wow, four alliterations in one sentence! Never say TotW is not the Bible of the Queen's English, to mangle a few more metaphors (and alliterate yet again). Anyway ... TotW Intern Jonathon Long writes: In the English Premier League (EPL), there have been 9 own goals in 41 matches, in just three weeks. An average of three own goals a week! Even the Rotmasters aren't that bad ... well, maybe they are. Big losers here: Ugo Ehiogu, of Aston Villa, and Frank Sinclair, of Leicester City. Sinclair had the singular misfortune of giving up two injury-time own goals in two weeks to cost Leicester a total of 4 points. Once against Arsenal to give them the win and again against his former club, Chelsea, to bring that game to a 2-2 draw. But look at the bright side, Sinclair: At least you don't have to worry about not getting any points by losing in a crapshoot!

I hate it when that happens! There is a difference between right and wrong, and correct and incorrect. Right and wrong are matters of morality; correct and incorrect are matters of fact, or law. The two do not necessarily coincide, the classic example being slavery prior to 1865. TotW is sure you could think of other examples, perhaps including the the finale to last week's battle of the titans between the skidding NE Revolution and the plummeting RotMasters, whose fortunes share much in common with FunJets flying over Okefenokee. That the game ended in a crapshoot is no surprise, but did referee Kevin Stott, and his assistants George Vergara and Jorge De la Bandera, have to flag offside against John Harkes after he had scored what would have been the game winning goal ... in the 89th minute??? Good God! The crapshoot is only slightly more morally defensible than necropaedohomobeastiality (sex with dead gay baby animals). Couldn't the MLs refs have blown one more offside call than usual? Who would have noticed? It would have been the moral, if illegal, decision. The Revolution went on to "win" in the crapshoot, so justice of a sort was served. But was it really necessary to foist upon the soccer consuming public anymore of those two wretched teams than absolutely necessary? (The RotMasters have now lost an MLs record 10 straight decisions, a failure rate only matched by the Los Angeles district attorney's office.) Blind adherence to the law leads us to tyranny. And crapshoots. Or both.

For subjecting us to more than 90 minutes of Revolution-RotMasters "action":

TotW 1999 Archive

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